SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday I found out that my wife was having a almost 5 yr affair with a co-worker. After being sent several text messages with proof, she admitted to it. I'm totally empty inside. The details are awful. Taking off work to go to hotels and take trips. She was clearly leading a double life. I just don't know why. She says she was unhappy but again I don't know why. I showed her nothing but love and affection. Daily. I found $800 in cash. Money he gave her for when she was ready to leave me. She said she was giving it back but lets face it, only because she was caught. She says she loves me and wants to make this work but I think those are just the words of someone who is confused. I feel she loves, but no longer wants me. I don't know what to do. My pride tells me I'll never get over the affair. Sex with someone else for years! I've contacted a lawyer and a counselor. Can a marriage really survive this? Do I want it to? My confidence is shot. Is 4yrs any worse than 1? I need help. Anyone in the same boat.

A 5 year A is almost 25 percent of your married life. Can you get past this? Depends on two things.

One - Your wife must demonstrate with every word, look, and action that she is genuinely remorseful. She needs to be desperate to save her marriage; not just compliant. She must be willing to accept all the consequences and own what she did.

Two - Even given that your wife meets that test, it's still a matter of coming to understand your own capacity to forgive. Most men would feel that a 5 year PA is just to brutal of a betrayal to get past no matter how much remorse is shown. You may be one of them.

But if you think that you might want to consider R, don't decide now. Don't commit to anything. Determining one and two will take months. And one of the consequences your wife needs to experience, is not knowing whether she'll lose her husband for cheating.

Good luck and keep posting. We're here for you.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:02 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

First and foremost, let me say I am so sorry you are going through this. Learning of a betrayal like this is so heartbreaking. You will find support here. All of us have gone through infidelity. Some cases are far worse than others but all know what you are going through.

A five year affair? Man. You asked, can a marriage survive this? It can. But that is not the right question. The question to ask is do you want to be in a marriage with a woman that cheated, lied, and betrayed you for 5 years? You don't have to answer that questions right now. Take your time. First breath and get into IC. It is good that you contacted a lawyer and a counselor. Follow through with that. Since it is a coworker, and she says she wants to work on the marriage, my suggestion to you is she must quit her job immediately. I mean ASAP. As long as they work together she will remain in an affair with him. She will also need to send a formal No Contact letter to the AP ending the affair. In that letter it needs to be matter of fact. No emotion whatsoever. Basically, "...the affair is over. No more contact between us. Working to save my marriage that I destroyed. Bye."

All social media, email accounts, and phones should be open to you with access to them. She must give you her passwords to all accounts. Find out if he is married. If he is then you need to tell his wife so she can know what her husband is doing to her. How much do you know about the AP?

Your wife also needs to give you a timeline of the affair. From when it started to the end with all details you require including sexual details. If you are going to reconcile you need to know the full extent of what she did and the damage she did. Do you have any children?

You can but it is very very very difficult. Mine was 10 years. WS the pain is imaginable. There is not a day that goes by that i do not think about it. DD 4.5 years ago. It may be a deal breaker for you. Think real hard. Some time away from WS should help you think straight. This will be the most difficult situation in your life ever. I wish you well and more will speak to you soon.

You'd better take as much time as you need to find out what you want to do.

First step is inform other mans wife without warning. Do not help hide their affair.

The thing is she got caught. Upfront she may tell you one thing but do another.

She's been living another life separate from you.

Don't offer R or jump into MC upfront.

Take some time to yourself you are in shock right now but clarity will come.

We have 3 children. Mostly grown. 21,18,15. The other man is recently divorced. His wife discovered his affair.

[This message edited by sadjustsad at 10:20 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

((SJS))

You will survive this. With or without your wife, I promise you will survive this. I was married for 20 years when I found out my H had multiple affairs. I was in total shock. I had seen red flags but never thought he was capable of infidelity. We both come from very stable families. My parents have been married 52 years and his parents 47. Infidelity was nothing I ever heard about growing up. We went to church every week and had a wonderful relationship and had sex very often. Affairs don't happen in marriages like that...or so I thought.

What I have learned is that infidelity is a coping method. I used to think it was a wife being mean to her husband. They never have sex. She lets herself go and then some beautiful woman comes into the office and she is such a temptation that the H can't resist her. What I have sense learned is again, infidelity is a coping strategy used by a broken person is who is trying to fill an inner void.

My H and I are reconciling only because he is doing the work. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I lost my sister, who was my best friend, 9 months before Dday and this trial of infidelity is still so much more difficult for me. Because my sister didn't choose to die, but my H chose to cheat. That is hard to overcome.

I am glad you have contacted a lawyer and a counselor. Arm yourself with as much information as you can and get all your ducks in a row. Knowledge is power. Even if you choose to R, it is good to know your options. And it shows her you are not afraid to lose her. We speak all the time that you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. (If that is the route you decide. And just know you will change your mind a million times a day whether to R or D--that is known as the rollercoaster and it is normal)

The only way your marriage will work in the future is if your wife does the work.

1. No Contact. She needs to drop him and not talk to him ever again. Moving forward he is dead to her. She needs to block his number/social media and any access to her. Should he still manage to find a way to connect with her, she needs to tell you immediately.

2. Transparency: she needs to give you all passwords, account numbers, etc to all of her accounts/social media. She lost her right to privacy and a truly remorseful wayward spouse (WS) will not hesitate to do it.

3. She needs individual counseling (IC) to work on her brokenness that led to her infidelity. If she says she doesn't need it, run for the hills. She will never be a safe partner without professional help in learning proper coping strategies and boundaries and fixing her inner issues. That takes work. If she is not willing to do it or doesn't see the need..then cut your losses because you will be back here again for Dday 2.

4. She needs to OWN her affair. Meaning you should be able to tell anyone you want. If she is truly remorseful she will take ownership of what she has done and not try and make excuses, change marital history to justify her affair, blame you or ask for you to just forget about it so you can move on. (We call those gaslighting, blameshifting and rugsweeping.) All of those are giant red flags and show she is not ready to do the work and won't be a safe partner for you.

These are just the tip of the iceberg for her to start doing. Any failure on her part to not jump at the chance to do these is a red flag. Write down the stipulations you require to consider staying with her. Reconciliation is a gift the betrayed spouse (BS-you) give. So, you determine what you need for that to happen and then if she does the work you outline then proceed with caution. If she only half-asses it, or ignores it all together go ahead and safe yourself more heartache and file for D because she is not a safe partner.

You need to eat, and sleep and exercise (as best as you can.) This is traumatic and you are in shock. And you will be for some time to come. You are about to get on the worst rollercoaster of your life, please know we are all here for you and you will hear all sorts of advice. Take the advice you find helpful. You don't have to divorce her but you also don't have to give her the gift of reconciliation. The choice is up to you. It's not a choice you have to make today. What you do need to do is make sure that she doesn't take the affair underground. If she is truly remorseful she will be an open book and let you track her with GPS etc and but resistance to any of those things is a red flag she might have gone underground.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

Hope

You've told us nothing to make us believe she's worthy of R.

His wife discovered his affair.

Was she, the OBS, the one who had sent those texts to you to expose the affair?

I agree with a statement you made and what William M said.

The real question isn't whether it can survive but if you want it to.

You will have many people come on here telling you that it is your decision on what to do. Well, of course it is your decision. That goes without saying. However, to the chagrin of many here who chose reconciliation (and there's nothing wrong with reconciliation btw even though I am most normally opposed to it), I don't think I have ever advised anyone to reconcile after a long term affair. Too much of an investment in trying to reconcile with someone who betrayed you for so long. Too much pain and suffering. There are better fish in the sea, many good people who would never do this to you. I often feel that time invested with someone who chose the path she did is better invested in someone else who is not so broken. Naturally, others may disagree.

5 years of a double life is extreme.

Trips and hotels are extreme.

Having thoughts of leaving you and using you in the meantime for security is extreme

You know yourself better than anyone. If you don't think you can get over it, you probably won't be able to.

And to be quite honest, she doesn't deserve you.

Your confidence being shot is a natural reaction to this issue but it shouldn't be. Don't allow her immoral actions to change the way you feel about yourelf

Your confidence in her should be shot.

Have you implemented a 180 yet ? Look it up if you don't know what it is. I would suggest this. What are your interactions with her at this point ?

Good for the OM's wife. She didn't tolerate his crap. I hope she ruined him in the divorce. Watch out for those two to potentially plot.

How did you find out ?

You have one advantage. Aside from the 15 year old, your kids are of college age and the damage to your family will still be there but the impact is somewhat limited regarding responsibilities.

You should keep in mind that she betrayed the family too. Not just by betraying you but how could she be a good mother to a 10 and 13 year old when taking trips with the OM ?

I know another poster suggested time away from her. I am not bashing that nor am I being critical. I just always worry about 'time away' and the reason why is as you are away from her, the cheating continues. Then that complicates matters because how would you be in a better position to forgive when you don't even know if she has stopped the assault on the foundations of your marriage, one that she already burned down.

I agree with Marz on not offering R or MC upfront.

She said she wants to make it work. Has she even dumped this other guy yet ? And even if she said that she did, how do you know ?

When do you meet with the lawyers ?

[This message edited by Western at 10:51 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Sorry this happened to you. Iam gonna make this short. As a guy your not gonna get over this, no way no how. A long term affair that spanned years is a different kind of animal. Looking back now Iam sure you see all those things your wife said or did an for the most part it was all about facilitating her affair. She lied daily to you all those years an was ok with it. I'll bet she didn't lose any sleep over it. Exposed you all that time to God knows what kind of STD"S, neglected an disrespected you.Iam sure you have wondered how much money for gifts an what-nots she spent on this worthless chad an oh by the way is he married ? If so please tell his wife or or girlfriend. How can you contemplate having a future with someone who cheated an lied to you for years ?Cut her loose. If your so inclined you will find some gal that wont do that to you. Ive walked in your shoes. Stay strong.

I'm so sorry to hear this and for your pain.

You are very freshly hurt and it is hard to process all of this.

Read "The Healing Library" in the upper left hand corner of this forum. There are a lot of great articles there.

Remember to eat and breathe. This is very painful.

Talk with an IC to help you heal.

Get a consult with lawyers about your legal rights. Gathering information will help you with decisions.

Can it survive? It depends on whether or not you want to give the gift of R and whether or not your WW is truly remorseful and will work towards R WITH you.

Unfortunately, it will be a long hard road whether you R or D, but we are here for you on SI. Keep posting.

My husband had a 4.5 year LTA. I am a couple of years out from the discovery, and it still hurts like it happened yesterday. Of course, I caught him cheating before, but rugswept. A 4 LTA is hard to get over. They risked everything for each other, and likely loved each other, in a way. That's a tough one that I struggle with myself daily.

My advice is to not jump into R too soon. Don't force yourself to forgive too soon, to "get over it", and rugsweep. Get yourself into IC for a while.

Any conversations about the A that you have with her, if she says "but" and starts making excuses for what she did, or blames you, walk away. Don't even entertain that. She did what she did because she wanted to, and thought she could get away with it.

Sorry, skipped over your post that said the POS OM was married an that his wife discovered the affair an divorced him. Did his ex expose the affair to you ? Is that how you found out ? I see you have three kids look how she neglected them .

Being caught does not mean the affair is over.

Steps to end the affair. First thing is that the

affair must be exposed. You must tell WW's parents,

her siblings and your kids.

Being this was a work place affair that business

must be told. Was the OM in a position higher then

the WW?

Contact the HR department stating that they were

using work to conduct and finance the affair. You

want to know what action they are going to take

to make sure this affair stops and that there will

be NC between the OM and WW.

Transparency, WW must be an open book giving up

all of here internet, social media and cell

passwords. Must reveal how all contact was done

with the OM. All of those forms of contact must

be shut down and WW must get a new phone number.

Last thing is WW cannot work for the same company

as the OM. She will have to leave that job. Can

no longer have a job that requires travel.

She must be willing to write out a complete

timeline of her affair for you to read and then

she must be willing to answer all of your

questions.

Sorry to have you here.

As others have told you she has to ooze remorse and not just regret at being caught. This means words, actions, pre-empting your feelings - the whole works.

She has to dump the POSOM spectacularly by calling him out to be vile human that he is and then cutting him off (this most likely will not happen like this because it then makes her realise how vile she is too).

But why would you want to reconcile with her - your kids are grown. Try and get her to leave while giving you as amicable a divorce as possible. Especially if the POSOM is ready to pay for her. Grab this lifeline with both hands!

You do need a detailed timeline and all the sordid details (as others have said too). How did you find out? How did you find the money ?

jduff I'm sorry I don't know how to replay to your direct question. But no, his wife didn't tell me. Someone they both work with got fed up with their attitude and decided to rat her out. They entire building they work in knew. This mystery person gave me very detailed information and the proof was in the pics. He even texted me telling of the affair! He was more honest than she was. Sorry for not taking the time to read all the FAQ. I needed someone to talk to. I shake when I type and star to cry at the end of each sentence.

I found the money and a ring by going through her things. She said she was taking it all back to him.

I totally understand. What is your wife doing now to help you heal? What is her behavior toward you? About answering questions? Has she cut off all contact with the AP? Man if the entire office knows about the affair then she truly needs to resign immediately. What was "their attitude" at work? Must have been just blatant and open with it. He lost his marriage so he wants your wife to lose hers. Does your wife want to remain married? Better question is do you want to remain married to her? She has shown you a great deal of disrespect. Has she apologized (even though it might not be sincere right now)?

As for the money and the ring. Here is an idea. How about you taking the money, sell the ring, and place it in a savings account for you and your children if the marriage does not last?

[This message edited by WilliamM at 11:55 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation sad. It's painful and it's going to be painful for some time. The pain is sadly normal and there's no quick way out of it. Only time can heal this one.

Know that many cheaters trickle-truth the faithful spouse so get ready for it. Also know that most cheaters continue to lie after their found out. Some even keep the affair going or on hold until the fallout stops. Also know that the likelihood that you can ever trust her again is very slim. Because of the way the we're wired it's more common that men only find peace by removing the offending party from their life, i.e. divorce.

You have two goals. 1) get yourself out of infidelity now. The affair must end or your WW must leave now. 2) take back control of your life. This affair is controlling your life and your emotions. You've got to conquer it internally, move forward, and become a better person because of it.

I'd recommend you separate all finances and things into his and hers. Take her name off of everything that's yours and your name off of things that are hers. I also recommend finding a good and well recommended "men's" lawyer. A lawyer who advocates for men in particular. The legal system generally discriminates against men and you need a lawyer who recognizes and can overcome the bias. Also provide copies of your evidence of your WW's affair to the lawyer.

Read about and implement the 180 as outlined in the Healing Library on this site. Do it for your own sanity.

Stay on amicable speaking terms with your WW until after the D (if you D). You've got to protect your assets, finances, and future life.

Not many men can deal with the betrayal and live with the betrayer, so don't feel like you're an oddball; it's normal. Also know that your emotions are going to roll up and down; it's normal.

I feel really bad for you. I was where you are now and it was horrendous. The good news is that although you don't feel it right now, you will get through this. The other good news is that no one that I've talked to after their divorce has ever regretted their choice; that includes me.

Life will get better after this. You can make it. Keep posting and reading. Ask questions. There are many who've walked this road before you and they can warn you of the pitfalls.