SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a WW. It has been almost 4 years since DDay. I had an A with a COW that lasted a couple months and has done irreparable harm to my BH. My story - I was previously married with 2 boys. My ex also had an A. I remarried a wonderful man who was kind, honest, and provided everything to me and boys. Three years into our M I began an EA with this COW. He wanted more and we ended up physical twice. His W found out and told me she would tell my H, so I told him myself. This person has since moved out of state. I was in a fog - I actually stayed at the job for 8 months falsely thinking my H was going to leave me and I would end up being a single mom again. I was terrified. I was selfish, thinking only of myself at the time. Fast forward, we have both been in MC and IC. I think 10 therapists in all. Its a roller coaster - he is a selfless person and wants to make this work and so do I but the hurt and the anger has finally become too much for both of us. He's taking a leave of absence and going home to his family as he needs the love and support he says he is not getting from me. Neither one of us wants to live like this anymore. I can't imagine life without him. I had spending issues before but have since become very frugal, got a new better paying job to be more equal and take pressure off of him financially. My father left for his AP when I was 11 and I have struggled with this all my life. I am now 50. I always shut down emotionally and I don't share because it's always worked for me in the past - keeping my thoughts quiet and to myself because the pain has always been too much. This is now why my H has had enough - he doesn't think I have done anything to take responsibility or help him to heal. He wants me to talk about it more, initiate the conversation more but this is difficult for me as this is not how my FOO dealt with trauma. I was taught to not bring up bad things from the past, to put it behind me. That did work when I was growing up. I had to be strong because my mom was an alcoholic and my father left. I had to be the mother. I know I'm rambling, sorry, I'm trying to get this out. My H has wanted me to post in here for years and I couldn't because it's too painful. And now he's leaving. I love him and I don't want him to go. My older son is gone, we have one more year with our other son, then he'll be gone. My H and I have worked very hard to put together a financially secure future, everything is in place but the A is too much. It's overpowering. I don't know what to do. I support him to spend time with his mom and take time away for himself. I am going to stop now as I gather my thoughts. Any help from other waywards please. I know I'm leaving a lot out but will come back. Thank you.

I am just about to finish a book called Worthy of Her Trust. It may help you as it has helped me.

I to am unable to bring up the affair because I am a confrontation avoider and I see the pain that it causes. This book has a method for helping with this using an Amends Matrix. I just finished this chapter and have not done one yet, but it seems to be a good tool. I will let you know how it goes.

AJ

Hi H4L,

Welcome wayward. He's a big hug to you.

You have been fighting hard for four years. Four years. That's a long time. Whew.

I sometimes wish there was a Wayward's Punishment Book that we could just open to the right chapter and get our punishment and move on. Give me my lumps that I've earned and deserve. Alas there is no book. We live in ambiguity. Never sure how to heal.

Your parents gave it to you hard growing up. You've found your "whys". Do you see them as excuses too perhaps?

10 therapists. Why so many? They can't all be that bad.

Does your H think you're a safe partner? Are you truely NC with other men? Has his pain abated in the last 4 years at all? You open up well to us......I get a good snapshot of who you are from your above paragraph. Why the trouble communicating with your H?

Hi there Hopeful4life,

Welcome to SI. You will get a lot of support and advice here from people who have been right where you are. Like you, I took a long time to start to really be able to give my BS what he needed to heal. We are about 7 years out from when I finally sent a NC letter to AP, which is where my BS's healing clock started. It has been in the last two years that he has started feeling like we had made some solid progress. Not to say that no progress was made earlier, but it took that long before he started to feel hopeful that I was going to be able to truly transform into someone who could offer him real emotional security.

These statements really stood out:

he doesn't think I have done anything to take responsibility or help him to heal. He wants me to talk about it more, initiate the conversation more but this is difficult for me as this is not how my FOO dealt with trauma. I was taught to not bring up bad things from the past, to put it behind me. That did work when I was growing up. I had to be strong because my mom was an alcoholic and my father left. I had to be the mother. I know I'm rambling, sorry, I'm trying to get this out. My H has wanted me to post in here for years and I couldn't because it's too painful.

It's really common for coping strategies we learned as kids to fail us when we become adults. I can see why you might be reluctant to do the things he is asking you for. But can you see how to your BS these statements might mean that your needs are more important than his? That your desire to avoid pain and change are more important than helping him heal? It has taken a looming consequence for you -- losing the marriage -- for you to be willing to begin to give him what he has asked you for, for a long time. Can you see how that might also look as if you are only giving him what he needs now because you stand to lose something?

To help your BS heal, if he will give you the chance to, you are going to have to get out of your comfort zone and learn to do the hard work of figuring out how and why you were able to betray him. When he wants you to "bring it up" that's likely what he's looking for -- some kind of evidence that you are digging down and getting to your "why". You can't demonstrate to him that you are doing that without talking about the affair. And if you only ever talk about it if he brings it up, if you shut down when he does because it's painful for you, that sends a signal that it's not a priority for you.

What has your experience of IC been? Have you educated yourself about the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved? What books have you read? What kinds of things are you doing to foster self-reflection? What kinds of tools are you developing to help you deal with difficult feelings without getting overwhelmed by them?

It probably seems like I'm throwing a lot of questions at you in this first response but your marriage is on life support and he's about to pull the plug. You don't have a lot of time to dip your toe in the pool and get used to things slowly. Jump in and start swimming, sister.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Wow. My eyes are open wide. I told my H last night that it should be a requirement for therapists working with couples and infidelity to have experienced it themselves. EvolvingSoul- you are so spot on. By not bringing it up and meeting his requests of course that sends the message that it’s not a priority. When in fact, it really is. I feel like my brain was hardwired at a young age (and scientifically I do believe this is true) to not face my fears and sweep them away - put the past in the past. I while I truely want to move forward, it’s not fair to my H. The book The Seven Love Languages, I think it’s called, my H and I are opposites. I do actions like keeping the house clean, being transparent with money, etc as showing him my love. But he doesn’t see it that way. He needs physical and emotional connection. I’m learning but I need to work harder. Lucky77 - to answer your question about NC with other men - I have limited contact with other men. My first couple jobs after the A I was either working alone or only with women. I think he does worry this will happen again but I try to reassure him it won’t. He has all passwords, access to my phone, I literally run to make sure I’m on the scheduled bus home. I’ve been out with a woman friend only 2-3 times in 4 years. I’ve never in all my life broken the law, never took drugs, didn’t cheat on boyfriends or Ex, I was always the perfect child. I took care of everything. I am still that person and I know for a few months 4 years ago I wasn’t, but I want him to know I will never go back there. Long post - I’m trying to learn and all of you are really supportive and providing great insight.

(((Hopeful4life)))

I wish I pearls of wisdom or some magic wand for you. I don’t.

The only thing I can think of is to suggest you read EvolvingSoul’s post over and over again and follow her advice. Many of her questions were about things you can do and actions you can take to figure yourself out and help your BH.

You need to do everything in your power to help him. Even if you’re not comfortable with some of the behaviors. Put him first. I don’t know for sure what made me realize it, but that’s what I did. I think it was because it hit me that he was going to leave me. For real. This was a few weeks after DDay. And I knew my life was over. And so I promised myself I’d do anything and everything I could to help him.

From what I understand your marriage is sinking ( ) and using a bucket to throw out some water isn’t going to help. You need to take big steps. The only other thing I can think of is that make sure those steps are real and authentic. Not because you have an outcome in mind, although saving your marriage would be a very happy side benefit. But that whatever you do it’s to help your BH heal, get the answers he needs, and make yourself a safe partner for him. That’s it.

I think your BH wants to stay married to you. I think he’s trying. I think he’s looking to see what you’ll do. So show him.

My H has wanted me to post in here for years and I couldn't because it's too painful.

For me this was an epiphany. I avoid things because it's too painful which leads to....you guessed it MORE pain. I wanted to somehow beat that whole pain thing. I'm 4 years out and realize that the only way out of this is to FEEL PAIN. If there was a pain free way to fix this crap it would be posted as a sticky at the top of each every single board on this site.

Hopeful-

I have been trying to contribute to the WS here wothout coming off as hurtful, because I was a BS first. So I will try to put this gently as a WS

What you want is tips how to help your BH. I will give you the best ones I can think of.

If you haven’t read MRS. Wallopeds thread, please read it in entirety. You will see some tough questions, but also candid answers that as a wayward wife trying to prove something to a betrayed man, are very important.

-there is really no way to put it without it coming across as sexist In some way, but you must be willing to be humble and vulnerable to your husband. You can’t allow yourself to get any kind of defensive or aggressive with him. The reason is simple. You emasculated him. By picking another man over him and leaving him in the dark, you tapped deeply into his ego as a man. So now he is vulnerable and hurting.

You effectively kept the most desirable traits in a woman sexually and emotionally (desire, doting, adoration, submission, tenderness, sexual passion, kindness) for the OM, and left your husband with the waste (your issues, sadness, resent, anger, rejection, humiliation, mundane, etc). Maybe you havent realized it, but you need to shower him with undisputed and unquestioned affection and deference to his taking the lead. You need to express to him that anythimg the AP got emotionally and sexually, that catered to his masculinity and his ego, you will give to your husband. And you need to figure that out quick.

I’m not Downplaying issues that contributed to your 100% personal decision to cheat. Life isn’t fair or perfect, and I’m sure there are reasons you feel for doing what’s you did, but none of that will make him feel better about himself. Your unwavering commitment to his happiness is the major step at first to rebuild his sense of trust, and worth to you as a man. No ifs and or buts about it.

You need to go out of your way to prove to him you love him, and shower him with what he likes. Follow his love language to a T. And don’t for the love of god reject him in anyway reasonable.

Here’s why: his self esteem being shattered, he needs someone’s to show him he matters. As a WS, we come to understand that is just another unhealthy form of validation, but the BS doesn’t get that. In my case, I became a mad hatter, and one main driver was to feel loved and appreciated By a woman who hadn’t hurt or disrespected me. Its validation, but in my mind, a damn good one at the time. I couldn’t imagine being cheated on and then having my wofe haven’t hen audacity to be anything but catering to my needs. So I encourage you to ask yourself if you are giving your H what’s he needs? Do you make him feel like a king? Like a man worthy of respect? I say this because o don’t want to see him do what i and many MH did. And he’s vulnerable to do that especially now, if you aren’t meeting his needs as a betrayed man. Worship him.

I really suggest you take a few pages out of MRS. Walloped thread. I think with the right approach you will have a lot to gain.

Welcome, thanks so much for sharing!

It's not too much, it FEELS like too much - big difference. Our feelings, particularly when you push them down repeatedly, come up like a tsunami on us.

It's one day at a time, one step at a time. Don't run from your pain, learn to sit with it. No one has ever died from emotions, I promise you.

Remember when you were little and thought there was a monster under the bed or in the closet? The more you thought about it, but didn't say anything it grew and grew? That's what pain is like.

The more you shove it down and push it away, the bigger it seems.

Just something to think about...

Thank you everyone for posting. I think he’s pulled the plug. It’s been 4 years and because of my posts here and that I have not responded fast enough, the work we have done or at least I’ve felt I’ve done, isn’t enough. I worried about posting because I knew he would be reading them and would check in to make sure I was responding. He read the replies before I had a chance tonight and now he wants a divorce. I’ve done a lot of work these 4 years and do realize with all your help that I do need to change my thinking about the real impact I’ve made. I’m flawed, I’m human, but I’m not crazy. It’s hard when we do talk details and dive deep into discussions about the A because after those talks I’ve been called a sociopath, a criminal, and it hurts. I know I need to treat him like a king and in my own way, given I never knew what a healthy adult relationship looked like, I thought I was doing it. I’ve told him everything. I live every minute of my day thinking about him and worrying. I’m physically sick because of it all. Not sure where to go now but we seem to be over.

Hopeful-

I would like to add that after reading your Hs story, I hope you have come to understand the especially painful aspects and cruelty he felt. As a ws, I am coming to terms with the fact that infidelity is still infidelity, no matter how you slice it. But I also beleive that there are varying degrees of cheating that are either less or More damaging to the BS.

For example, when I became an MH. I knew it hurt my wife to some extent, but we agreed that it wasn’t as devastating as the initial betrayal on her part. Just as for some a one night stand isn’t as painful as a 5 year love affair, or an EA is less hurtful than a PA. These aren’t binary, but certainly decent generally seen themes.

In your case, I would imagine your husband has particular issue with the fact that you asked him to get a vasectomy while having sex with a still virile man. It’s a form of mental and physical castration to him, and frankly, utterly devastating to man.

Something along those lines for a man would be raising another mans child unbeknownst to him. I believe what your husband is looking for is utter contrition for your actions. For you to truly embrace humility and recognize just how painful what you did. And of course as waywards, we struggle to know the actual level of hurt we have caused, unless we have been there.

What I am saying is in this example, your actions were particularly devastating, and therefore, your level of empathy and remorse needs to be particularly strong. Again, please reread Mrs. wallopeds posts. She screwed up totally and she knows it. She fundamentally ruined the life she knew, she had, and loved, but threw herself at the mercy of her hurting husbands every whim. She knew she could never make up for what she did to him, but she found solace in trying every damn day. Rain or shine, good or bad, she tried to salvage whatever feeling of loyalty he had left for her, and nurture it back to the most he could ever give her again. And on top of it, be happy with the man she turned him into.

If you can figure this out, your fight isn’t over. If it is over, the kindest thing you can do is let him go fairly, amicably and peacefully, and give him what he needs to be happy again, even if it is with someone new.

These are tough to read and the last few days I’ve become physically ill thinking about what I’ve done. Almost like it’s dday all over but seeing the damage for the first time. I do need to cater to his love language and mrswalloped is right, I have nothing to lose as he literally has both feet out the door. I’ve been a robot all my life - it’s easier not to feel. Even my dad advised me not to bring it up, to tell him I wasn’t going to talk about it anymore. My father has no friends and has never hugged me after we told him about the A. Of course I took his advice, it’s what got me through my first divorce. But I really love my husband and I’m going to go out kicking and screaming, not literally but try everything. If he does leave, I know I gave it everything. I brought so much anger and resentment from my first marriage into this one and it wasn’t fair to my H. I want him to be at peace. He deserves it.