SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been married for almost 20 years and would consider my marriage strong. Due to family circumstances, myself and my children had to leave my husband for 7 weeks. 2 days after my return, while looking at something that he was showing me on his iPad, I noticed searches re STIs. When I confronted him, he admitted (eventually) to having slept with a prostitute one night while I was away. He had travelled for a work night out, was drinking all day and ended up in a bar, with the other guys, which was full of hookers.

He has had a bad year-lost his job and started a new job which is very difficult. I knew that he was feeling very low. He said that he just wanted physical contact, that he felt very low and very lonely.

It's now 10 days since I found out. I've been through anger, sadness, grief and many other emotions.

I've made the decision to stay-he has been extremely remorseful and is willing to do anything to save the marriage.

He's been crying a lot (which is very unlike him) and is constantly telling me that he's sorry and feels disgusted with himself.

I feel like I'm ready to start moving forward-obviously not to forgive and forget but to try to move on form this.

My question-am I being an idiot? I keep second guessing myself. I really don't feel that he will ever do this this again but I wonder when the initial feelings of shame and disgust wear off, will he cheat again.

We've been having very open and honest discussions and he's answered everything that I've asked. He's had an STI screen, we're just waiting for results. I guess I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to keep loving him and that by moving on so quickly, it's not making it acceptable for him to cheat again,

I have no intention of being intimate with him-he understands that. I just want my best friend back.

Any advice gratefully received

Welcome, Maclou. Sorry you had to join the club you never wanted to join. If you haven't already look to the Healing Library on the left-hand side for very valuable resources.

Take the time to take care of yourself. It's great that he wants to work it out, but if you sweep this under the rug and continue as you have without working on why he allowed himself to do this, then it's a high probability this will happen again in the future.

Are you both in individual and marriage counseling?

Thanks for your reply Forks027.

It's not possible for us to have counselling due to our location.

He is open to counselling and willing to try it but our only option would be online which neither of us are keen on.

We've talked and talked about why he did this and I think it was just a series of bad circumstances and bad decisions at a time when his self esteem was at rock bottom.

He's not eating at the moment and looks unwell. I can see that he's suffering and it's breaking my heart. I know that he loves me and would never intentionally hurt me and I find myself being his support at the moment-he's very concerned about the prospect of STIs. He is very appreciative of everything, even the fact that I'm still here. He has offered to sign our house over to me and to transfer all of our savings to my account-he says that he has no right to anything after what he's done. He is putting no pressure on me and said that if I leave-all that he asks is that I not turn the children against him. He's happy for me to tell anyone that I wish to tell in order for me to have the support that I need. He's making all of the right noises-I'm just so nervous about it happening again.

As one who has been there. I would be very very careful in believing him. My husband told me the same thing and then come to find out there were several more prostitutes. Not saying that everyone is alike but I would certainly proceed with extreme caution. And it doesn't matter that he had lost his job or that he was rock bottom there are absolutely NO excuses for infidelity.

Hey, MacLou. I am terribly sorry to see you here. It's the best place for you to be at the worst time of your life. It's doubly sad because there are kids involved. IMHO, it is too soon. You just had you whole world up ended. Please get your equilibrium back before you make any important decisions. You have not even begun to process this trauma. If you are like me, your brain will continue to process and the questions will start coming. Try journaling It's sad that you do not have access to a therapist, but please start reading in the healing library here. And don't be surprised if what you think is true right now turns out to be not exactly true. Good luck. Keep posting, there is so much help here,

KarmaAwaits is correct - it's very likely this was not his first rodeo.

Just the first one you CAUGHT him at.

I know that he loves me and would never intentionally hurt me and I find myself being his support at the moment-he's very concerned about the prospect of STIs. He is very appreciative of everything, even the fact that I'm still here.

You're falling into a trap that's going to bite you in the butt. This is NOT the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW. And that's what he's managed to turn it into.

If you keep feeding into it - rationalizing how the poor fellow made a 'mistake' due to some bad life circumstances, worrying about his physical and mental health, worrying about his emotional state, and being his 'support person,' then what you're doing is effectively ignoring your OWN pain and setting his supposed 'pain' as a priority.

DON'T DO IT.

I need to talk about REMORSE here. It's something he's sorely lacking because everything seems to be ALL ABOUT HIM. I will hand it to him, though. He's managed to not only get you to quit thinking about your own pain and devastation for the most part, and concentrate more on poor, poor HIM.

Remorse is his ability to TRULY empathize with your pain. Not HIS. Yours. Remorse is what drives him to want to be a better man and better husband for you because he feels you deserve nothing less. And true remorse is what drives him to be brutally honest with you - because he knows you need that to heal - even though he knows he's going to take the lumps for it. He's so busy with having you cluck over him and worry about him because he's not eating and worrying that he's all upset - but I have one question.

What the HELL has he done for you?

This has been all about him and his crying and his excuses and his 'need' for support. What has he done for YOUR pain?

Crying is NOT remorse. He's crying for HIMSELF because he might lose what's important to him. Begging you not to divorce him and proclaiming his undying love to you is NOT remorse - again, it's simply him not wanting to lose what he's got.

Cheaters don't cheat to LOSE what they have at home - that's not their intention. That's obviously why they keep it a secret. They cheat for the extra they get while still wanting to keep what they have at home. So all his crying and histrionics are for his OWN sake, not yours.

You need to flip this script off of him and onto you. That's where your attention BELONGS. That's where HIS attention belongs instead of him selfishly looking to YOU to make him feel better. That is just the epitome of selfish and self-absorbed. It's time to STOP patting him on the back and telling him to eat and soothing him and telling him it's all going to be alright, and all that nonsense.

I can see that he's suffering and it's breaking my heart.

He's wallowed enough in his own little pity party and he needs to look past his own nose and start worrying about what needs to be done to help YOU.

I'm telling you, you're going to regret this if you keep ignoring your OWN needs and your OWN pain and your OWN devastation while pandering to his.

He has offered to sign our house over to me and to transfer all of our savings to my account-he says that he has no right to anything after what he's done.

I would get down to your lawyer's office tomorrow morning and have him write this post-nup agreement up IMMEDIATELY. have him sign it while he's still in a giving mood. Do not waste time - get this done YESTERDAY.

Lastly, of course it's ok to still keep loving him. But you NEED to address your pain and you ARE moving forward too quickly by acting as though your pain is inconsequential to his.

Please, stop it.

Good luck to you.

I was dragged through the cabbage patch a few times before I figured out I wasn't making coleslaw, just a dirty mess.

You should be suspicious if he is willing to pay for sex.

Nobody can make the decision but you. You have to live with it. You need to become an expert on you and your relationship, then make the most informed decision you can.l for yourself and those in your life.

It helps to talk about it.

I agree 100% with NoMercy.

He didn't come to you with a remorseful confession of what he'd done. You had to pull it out of him, after you found something suspicious.

He is not making all of the right noises. He is trying to manipulate you with a pity play. He is not the injured party. You are the injured party. Please do not lose sight of that fact.

Take him up on his offer to sign everything over to you. See an attorney first thing next week and get the ball rolling on that.

More than anything, I'd strongly recommend a polygraph exam to find out whether he has done this before. I'd make the polygraph a condition of offering to try to R. If he won't take one, then you have your answer.

You don't deserve this. Big hugs.

[This message edited by somer222 at 11:11 PM, September 2nd (Saturday)]

Do the polygraph if possible. Get him to sign the documents you requested ASAP. R only works if the WS is truly remorseful. His focus should be on you and how you are feeling. He should be doting on you. You should not be the one comforting him, this is twisted. If this is the only time that he has cheated after so many years of marriage I wouldn't consider him high risk for re-offending and I say that very very rarely about WS. I wish you the best.

I agree with others who say proceed with caution. I don't believe in lie detector tests because of the poor and unproven science they are based on, and because of their lack of accuracy and no way to even know if the test was "right or wrong" in the final determination.

But there are other ways to find out if he is lying. I recommend you pretend to let your guard down a bit as if you believe everything and are not suspicous of anything else.

But take every opportunity to go in spy mode. Get a VAR in his car, get a keylogger for his computers, get his email passwords and access to everything on his phone. Even more important, be on the lookout for things like secret phones or accounts that you know nothing about. Look at what he is buying through bank records and credit cards, etc.

I'm saying all this because I don't want you make the same mistake I made early in my first M. First of all, I just want to say his story is POSSIBLE and it is also possible members here are being to harsh, saying he is not remorseful.

Crying is NOT remorse. He's crying for HIMSELF because he might lose what's important to him. Begging you not to divorce him and proclaiming his undying love to you is NOT remorse - again, it's simply him not wanting to lose what he's got.

These statements can be true but I don't think it is a bad thing to have a man begging you not to divorce and proclaiming undying love. It may have selfish aspects but people need to realize we are ALL selfish, and it is not realistic to expect even a remorseful WS to forget completely about themselves and what they want in life going forward. As a former BS it was rather important to me to know that my H wanted me, even if a big part of it was for his own "selfish" reasons.

Being selfish about something like that is not something I hold against a WS if they also find time for empathy, AND if they can show real reasons why this is not going to happen again.

But I think it is most important to do some investigating and see if there are signs there is a lot more than he told you, or not. That would be the thing I did not do in my first M. And of course I did not have the tools to do it. There was no email or cell phones, VARS, etc.

Around 1980, my XH confessed to getting BJs from two prostitutes. His confession seemed to be sparked by newfound religion. There was no SI at the time and I was a very young mother with a baby; we'd only been married a couple of years. Looking back, I think I saw some guilt but not remorse. Anyway, I mostly swept it under the rug and we went on in life, and went on to have two more children.

Later in the M, I learned he was a serial cheater who'd been with more prostitutes than he could count, and had at least two EA/PAs with women who were not prostitutes. I AM NOT SAYING that because my X was like this, that yours is too, but I think you need to do some investigating (other than just asking him) to find out if there seems to be a lot more. And if you do find he is a serial cheater, file for a D. I don't believe there is much chance of them changing to be a good spouse.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Just to clarify a couple of things-when I asked him, he told me immediately that he had slept with someone else. The "eventually " relates to the fact that he paid for it. He has been extremely remorseful-some of which I know has to do with concerns re his own health. He is apologising several times a day. Prior to this, one of my issues with him was his difficulty admitting that he was wrong, so this is a big deal for him. He has told me to figure out what I want and he will go along with it whatever I decide. He has answered every question that I've asked-honestly as far as I can tell. He has taken any criticism and abuse that I've levelled at him. He has said that everything is on my terms and is showing that in his actions. 2 days ago I felt the need for hugs-I was very emotional. He hugged me as needed but said nothing when I woke up angry the following day and had a go at him-I haven't hugged him since. He is changing job as his current workmates are married men who live single lives. His new job will also mean no time away from home. He is happy for me to tell everyone or no one as I see fit. I've only told my sister so far but he's anxious for me to tell a friend so that I have support. I know that there's a chance that I'll be back here in the future-I really hope not but you can never be sure. I'm as sure as I can be though that this is his first time and he swears that it's his last. I know all his passwords. I've been checking his phone and iPad including historical stuff which he knows and doesn't have a problem with. He's also given me full access to his bank records -I haven't found any evidence of anything else. I've always known his passwords and he's never had an issue sharing bank records with me so I think I'd have noticed if this had happened before. I really hope that I'm not fooling myself and I really do know that that's a possibility but he is currently doing everything in his power to prove himself to me. At the moment-I'm working through it with the intention of getting past it. I've made it very clear that I may decide that I want to move on alone and I've also made it very clear that if it were to happen again (or I found out that it happened before) that would be it for me. That's my spiel for now. Thanks again for taking the time to offer support and advice. To my knowledge, none of my family or friends have been though this so it's helpful to hear from people in a similar position

Just one final thing-he's been a good, kind, thoughtful husband for almost 20 years. We have had a fun, happy marriage. We are quite different but work really well together. I have no reason to believe that this happened before. I can't turn my back on 20 years if this was one drunken mistake.

From what you've said he does sound remorseful.whether he's sone it before or not, only he knows. There has to be a first time, but it seems coincidently nearly everyone gets caught out first time here.

Is he really saying this is his first occasion of infidelity in 20 years? And he was found out pretty quickly on that one time. Make sure you know what you ate forgiving and/or reconciling with.

Though the fact that he started looking up STI info does make him seem like a bit of a novice, not a seasoned cheater/prostitute user IMO.

Sometimes people aren't remorseful until they see the impact of their actions.

I Would actually take him up in the offer of signing the house over tomyou, whilst still reconciling. It gives you some security and his actiond during that time will help you determine if he is truly remorseful and can show it continuously.

I say this only because, otherwise he won't have really suffered any consequences.

You mentioned no intention of being intimate.... Is that while the sti tests are being done? Or permanently?

Just one more thing though ....it seems he was so in need of being touched, that he had unprotected sex with a prostitute....that's very worrying.

You say neither your H nor you are "keen" about online therapy but that there is no possibility for counseling where you live.

It sounds as though you and your H are very isolated and insular in this trauma you are dealing with; you need not be keen about online therapy to at least try it. It's great that you have found SI and it seems all of the responses here are giving you sound advice but IRL counseling can also make a huge difference and even the the online type can be better than no counseling at all.

Seems as if you are acting as your H's counselor and that might not be the best way to go.

Thanks Sandylee and Marti.

He had unprotected oral sex but used a condom for full intercourse but he's still having the full STI screen done.

Re intimacy-I'm nowhere near ready at the moment. I'm not sure how I'll feel when the STI results are back but I don't think it'll be happening any time soon. He knows this and is anxious that I take every step of this at my own pace.

I'm hoping that if we continue to reconcile, that I will in time feel comfortable with intimacy but I'm dreading the first time.

I've quizzed him inside out and upside down about this and also about other booze weekends away and I can't find a hole/inconsistency in any of it. I'm 75% sure (I'm not prepared to draw a line under the possibility that it isn't just yet) that this is his first time.

Here's hoping that I'm right.

Re online counselling-would you know of/recommend any that we could try?

Maclou, I'm so very sorry you are here. I understand what you are going through. I'm with the others - please move forward with caution.

I remember when I first found out about the porn, the dating sites, etc. he swore up and down, on our kids, on everything we owned, on our "marriage" that there was nothing more. There were no inconsistencies in his story. He became the epitome of "remorse". He cried and begged and apologized endlessly. He started IC. He started reading books. He started SI. He was the model WS looking to make amends.

I remember reading on here and thinking, "is it possible that MY husband is literally the only WS who told the truth from the very beginning?" I was hesitant to believe that because the experience and wisdom that is SI, was telling me that the chances were incredibly slim. BUT like your WH, mine was a good, solid guy. I would have bet everything I own that he would never in a million years cheat on me. He was just "that guy". Everyone thought the world of him.

No, it wasn't possible. It was revealed after I did more digging, asked more questions that he had been cheating on me since we met. He fucked many hookers and god knows what else. He was lying to me, to SI, to his IC. He was only willing to admit to what I could prove. He is now a diagnosed sex addict.

WS's lie. They do and say anything to cover their own asses. They are not at all interested in whether or not they cause you more pain. They're only trying to protect themselves....at your expense once again.

I hope I'm wrong about your WH. I really do. But please, for your sake and that of your children, tread incredibly lightly. People who pay for sex usually have more going on than your everyday cheater.

[This message edited by Inveigled at 12:06 AM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

Maclou I am going to agree with the others here in that you need to be careful not to believe too quickly that this was his first time. I remember when I first posted about my stbx innocently booking a package of 7 massage sessions to find out it was a happy ending type set up and then giving in to their offer of hand jobs and naked massages in the final four sessions, I was told to be cautious. In fact NoMercy had some caustic things to say that seemed to me over the top at the time but later i found her words of warning were spot on. He stuck to his story until I stumbled across a hidden account that proved he had been at it for over a year. So far he has only admitted to what I have uncovered and nothing more. If you look at the stories in the Emotional Infidelity thread you will find this to be a common story with the kind of men who use prostitutes.

I know it is not what you want to hear when you are already struggling with the trauma of discovery and some of the words of doubt might be hurtful. But believe me every single person here is desperate to spare you the additional trauma of discovering that you only had a partial confession or rather a diluted version of the truth to begin with. That is a pain we want you to avoid at all costs because not only is it devastating but it makes it that much harder to move forward once time has been wasted in false reconciliation. Sadly this is the one truth the WS struggle to understand and shoot themselves in the foot time and again with their selfish motives through TT and minimisation.

Your husband could have been searching STIs because he had some symptoms and was afraid of passing something on and being busted whereas his previous encounters, if any, might have been less risky i.e. no oral without condom and without symptoms. Or it could well be he was lying about the condom for intercourse. I find it troubling that he claims he needed human touch but instead of having a one night stand (which btw is not in any way less of a betrayal) he indulged in something seedy which reeks of exploitation and to most people amounts to something a subhuman would do. I think we need to be careful not to allow anyone to cloud our view of immorality under the guise of human weakness. He didn't need a human touch, he was horny and wanted to use your family money to buy the body of a sex worker because he felt entitled to do so. There is something wrong with the emotional wiring of men who do this kind of thing. I'm sorry you are suffering. I pray that the road ahead is not too difficult and you are strong enough to navigate it. Whatever happens, you will survive it. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by RoadtoPerdition at 2:06 AM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

Maclou I don't know of any on-line counseling personally but you might Google BAN (the Beyond Affairs Network) to start a search for on line programs. There's also something called Recovery Nation. You can also make some calls to S-ANON which is a national support group for people who have been adversely affected by the sexual behaviour of a friend, relative, etc. Some of these groups focus on helping partners of SAs but you need not say your H is an SA to ask for referrals. You can simply ask for names of on-line counselors or programs that deal with betrayal.

Thanks Marji, I'll look in to it

Maclou, don't know if anybody has mentioned or have you thought about asking him to take a polygraph test, to find out if he is telling the truth and there is nothing more, his first reply to you, can tell you a lot, immediately yes is what you want to see, I don't have to tell you what no means, but don't stop there if he agrees, still do it, it might be a bluff, sometimes when it is a bluff you get a car park confession before going in, the test involves 3 or 4 questions they all need to be a yes or no answer, but the polygrapher can advise you there.

Although not infallible, they can be a great help towards regaining trust in him.

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 5:28 AM, September 9th (Saturday)]