SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My H and I have been together for 23 years since I was 18. We have 2 grown daughters. I found out recently that he's been having an affair with co-worker for the past 5 years. I feel stupid and humiliated. However I also feel that he's going through a mid life crisis. He's said the affair is over. We've got a counseling appointment next week. I've seen a lawyer already to protect myself. Has anyone been through this when the H may be having a mid life crisis? His moods are so up and down. He has a hard time making decisions.

Both my WW and I went through a mid life crisis a few years ago. I grew my hair long in a stupid attempt to regain my youth, she chose to fuck an old boyfriend.

there's no excuse for infidelity, mid life crisis or not.

A five year affair isn't a midlife crisis. It's a major character flaw.

I am sorry you are here.

As you sort through all your emotions and begin looking at this man for what he truly is you will realize he has had very selfish behaviors over the course of the marriage.

Your husband has another life with a woman. This isn't a midlife crisis.

Has it occurred to him what he will lose financially yet?

He is not invested in you as a woman. He is invested in his retirement. You and he built the retirement and you will get half of it. Plus half of all other assets.

That is his motivation for MC or counseling.

Carebear, I'm sorry you find yourself in our club.

I have to agree with Iwantmyglasses - a 5 year affair isn't a passing fancy because he's having a midlife crisis. Sadly, it sounds as though you two married far too young and he's outgrown the marriage.

I also agree with the statement that he's more invested in his assets and retirement than he is in your marriage.

I don't believe his affair is over at all. Five years is a LONG time to be involved with someone and if in all those 5 years these two never willingly CHOSE to stop their affair, then a D-Day isn't going to magically change their feelings and make them stop. They've more than likely agreed to play it cool while the heat is on, but it's pretty unlikely they've completely cut contact.

And lastly, a lot of BS's think their cheater is in 'the fog' when they're engaged in an affair. If they can only get their WS 'out of the fog,' they'll come back to earth. But you need to be realistic here - if there really is a 'fog' that makes cheaters not think clearly because they're too bedazzled by the excitement of their affairs, your husband is far beyond that stage.

Just be very careful about reconciling with someone who chose to betray you for 5 years and is more than likely still involved with her. I don't think his intentions are 'pure' at all with respect to reconciliation. He's had 5 years to 'work on the marriage' if he wanted to and he chose not to. The only reason he's doing it now is to avoid divorce court.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 4:12 AM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

My H had a midlife crisis A. He was turning 50 - very unhappy about it and would make jokes about it. His career was not what he expected either. Unhappy there too.

Goes out one night and meets some girl. Hires her to work for him. BOOM!!! Start of an A that he initiated. He tells me about 4-5 months in that it started. It was an EA but about to turn PA.

This A lasted about 12 months in total time. But he insisted he wanted a D 5-6 times. Last two times I was certain it would happen - but within a day or 2 would change his mind.

When I found out the A had resumed (b/c I had no idea that DDay2 would occur) I had enough and was out of patience and told him to leave. I was going to D him. And that "kick him to the curb" action snapped him out of the A and ended it completely. No further contact.

The A fog was over and I no longer had to watch that behavior.

But I question a 5 year A - mid life crisis may have started it but why would it last so long??

Only YOU can decide if you can live with this. Everyone has their own threshold.

But my therapist told me that a MLC A breaks up more marriages than anything else. I hope you can R if that is what you choose.

CB

Sad you are here but glad you found us.

Long term affairs are difficult but can be overcome. In the "I can relate" section of this website is a thread for long term affairs. Head down there. You will get good advice.

The above posters are right, MLC is an excuse. Everyone ages, only broken people have affairs. That's said, you can and will recover. You may reconcile with you partner, you may not. Either way, healing has to occur and it's going to be difficult no matter which path you chose

Going to counselling is a good sign. He should also go to individual conelling. He clearly has issues that need addressing which are separate from your marriage.

Ask for passwords for everything. No more secrecy as this aided the affair. Demand a timeline too. You deserve to know exactly what happened and when.

And ensure you are looking after yourself. Eat, drink water and exercise. Sounds bizarre but many of us forget to look after ourselves during this time.

And keep posting. This site saved me.

Mid life crises don't last 5 years. They certainly don't explain or justify a 5 year affair.

[This message edited by JS84 at 9:14 AM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

I feel stupid and humiliated.

Yeah, been there, ain't it a wonderful feeling...

However I also feel that he's going through a mid life crisis.

I feel like you just started making excuses for him. Quit that!

My FWH was in a terribly low spot in his life. Feeling old, invisible. That certainly contributed to his just-under-2year affair.

He also had shit boundaries. That contributed.

He had really unhealthy drinking habits. That contributed.

He was conflict avoidant in our M. That contributed.

He framed me in unhealthy, untruthful ways. That contributed.

It's never as simple as midlife crisis. To simplify it like that is a recipe for disaster. The WS needs to dig deeper to figure out their Why's and fix that shit. Not just have an epiphany that they were going through a midlife crisis and they're ok now. FTS.

He needs to be in individual counseling, (IC) before marriage counseling (MC) is worth anything. He's got a LOT Of work to do.

Keep posting. Sorry you had to find us.

Nah, not midlife crisis.

Don't give him that out. I did with my WH's first A, but what the hell was his excuse for the second? Now, I know, it wasn't a midlife crisis. It was his crappy choices.

I felt stupid and humiliated, too, but know that you were lied to. You didn't cause this and you didn't deserve this.

I'm glad you saw a lawyer. Take care of yourself. Read the healing library.

I'm glad you found SI but I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

hugs

5 years is not a mid-life crisis. It's a morals crisis.

Five years?

Did you get a post nup?

Did he get tested for stds?

Did you tell her SO about the A?

you should without letting your H know.

You would want someone to tell you.

Mid life crisis is an excuse. He did it because he wanted to, and thought he could get away with it. Period. I am so sorry to be blunt, but that's what it boils dpwn to inost cases. We, as BS, look for excuses like Mid Life Crisis, but really, they did it because they wanted to, and had the opportunity to do it. Period.

[This message edited by mharris at 5:54 PM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for all the responses. It's giving me a lot to think about. I feel like I'm at standstill right now. Everyday is filled with emotional up and downs. I know he needs therapeutic help and medication but that was something I tried to get him to accept years ago. Our physician medicated him for depression but he wouldn't take the meds constantly. Letting it get to this point is his own fault. I don't want him or myself putting in a lot of hard work if he's just going to leave anyway or because he's worried about the legalities. He would lose a lot financially. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. So many questions.

CB

We are often advised not to make big decisions for 6-12 months....that's how long it takes to shake the shock of it all.

Take the time you need. Look after yourself and your needs. Regardless if you d or r, recovery will take time.

Don't feel stupid or humiliated. We are here because we trusted our spouses

Midlife crisis? Buy a corvette you old fart.

I knew his finances played a role in his decision to not leave the marriage. A 5 year affair is a serious relationship.

If you want this to go your way. See a lawyer. You need to know all of your rights. Frankly, you have him by the balls. He wants to protect his retirement.

Once I stopped the pick me dance and retained a lawyer. My husband knew I would not play games anymore.

Guess what...because I stood up for myself, I was suddenly so hot to him.

There isn't a doubt in my mind he understood the exact amount of money he would be paying out to me.

He had 5 week PA followed by 4 weeks of bullshit. It was not a EA beforehand.

I developed a saying "A man realizes how much he loves his wife, when he sees what he will lose in a divorce".

You need individual counseling for yourself. Being in a marriage after adultery is so difficult even if you have a very remorseful, repentent spouse.

I don't see this happening for for you. A 5 year affair is a liar at heart.

IC Can help you navigate all of your feelings, desires.

This is a man who doesn't want to lose his reputation. So the very first thing you need to do is expose the crap out of this affair. Tell everyone.

Do not back down. You will need to pull out every bit of strength you have.

My husband thought he would purchase a home for me. He thought I was stupid. He underestimated me. I am a SAHW. I spend those 4 weeks of bullshit researching and educating myself about divorce. He was so so so sad and just could not break the connection to his amazing unicorn princess. Guess what I was doing?

I stripped the house of every financial document. I moved money around. I had all the car titles. I interviews every single lawyer in town to block him. I consulted a financial planner with experience in divorce. I would not take a house. I would force him to pay out his retirement to me and I would shield it with Quadro. (I think that is the term). I joined the association of divorce financial planning and read every single piece of information on their website.

I printed out every single piece of affair proof. All of his receipts. I called all the hotels to get a copy of the folios.

I got a calendar, used my credit card records, Facebook records and marked every single thing I did while he was out screwing his whore.

I went past the 5 week affair. I marked for 2 years how many nights he spent the night out.

When it dawned on him what he would be losing, he quickly wanted to go to MC and IC.

He then read How to Help Your Spouse Heal. It has taken me an insane amount of strength to recover from a 5 week affair. I absolutely do not know how a person could ever heal from a 5 year affair.

I do believe in MLC. My husband went through that, his affair was an EA and pretty brief. 5 years is a long time to carry on with someone. I am not sure you can choke that all up to MLC. 5 years requires a lot of lying, deception, and coordination.

I would proceed very very cautiously.

I think people go through periods of up and down in marriages and I do think you can recover from it. But it requires a lot of work from the BS.. so, honestly, Carebear, there is not much you can do about it.

My advice to you would be to hold your cards close to the chest, counseling is fine, but really your H needs individual counseling. You just need to protect yourself. Financially, emotionally and legally. Good for you seeing a lawyer. I learned, at the end of the day, you don't control this. It's okay to give it some time and see how it develops, but it's not small thing to screw around for 5 years. He needs to do some massive soul searching. As others have said, MLC is not an excuse.

Best of luck.

A mid-life crisis is buying a sports car and getting hair implants.

Your spouse's cheating is a character flaw.

So sorry you're here, but keep posting.

Strength.