SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband cheated on me last December. It was the worst day of my life. I called my parents the same night he confessed and to my complete utter shock they basically told me there was nothing wrong with him being with other women, that I had to stop being so sensitive and fix things. I have been a long time lurker on this site and the parents for both parties have always taken the sides of their children no matter what and been supportive and caring. I feel completely betrayed and humiliated by both my parents and husband. Even now I have panic attacks if I have to talk or visit them. We had to visit them this summer and they acted like everything was fine and greeted WH warmly. They keep sending me self help books telling me to be grateful for what I have. They do not think WH did anything wrong but I am the psycho super sensitive freak who has to change. I am the one who they are ashamed of. Has anyone had similar experiences? I feel completely alone on this.

OMG, I'm so sorry for you. CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. They are obviously delusional. You did nothing wrong. If your husband is in agreement with them, he's NOT R material.

Go see an attorney and book a counselor. Your family is nuts. Seriously. It's them and not you. You did nothing wrong. Also, is your husband doing everything he can to fix this? If not, get those ducks lined up.

Again, it's NOT you.

This is so wrong on so many levels.

Hugs to you. (((Bigbighugs)))

All I can do is to agree fully, completely, without question exactly what ArkLaMiss wrote. I can't believe it. Sick. So sorry, DarkHorse. Betrayed by husband and parents. There's talk of double betrayal on SI. That's a WS and a bff or something. This is so over the top. Your parents are toxic to you and your health.

I see that this is your first post. Welcome to SI. The site no one wants to be a part of, but there is no better place for you to be.

Take what you need here, and leave the rest. But ponder what you leave. It may be relevant information in the future for you.

I feel that you have been betrayed three fold.

Wayward. His parents. Your parents.

How much you have endured alone.

Please keep posting. You need us on your side.

This is unbelievable manipulation to make you rugsweep.

Your wayward is basking in his pass it imagine. Unfair and completely discusting in my oppinion.

Strength

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with your parents being awful on top of everything else. What is your relationship with them normally like?

This is not your fault. Being cheated on was not your fault. The way your parents are treating you is not your fault.

Are you in IC? An IC could help you establish appropriate boundaries with your parents as well as your WH. But I have to second ArkLaMiss—you don’t need toxicity in your life. If they won’t change their behavior, please take care of yourself and stop contact with them until they can behave appropriately, even if that means cutting them from your life.

Hang in there.

Somewhat similar, but not exactly.

My father defended my spouse when I would bitch about him doing NOTHING after work or on the weekends (he was really lazy). My mother seemed to care for him too. I did not share about the mutual infidelity in our marriage. I cheated once, he cheated the whole marriage, or the fact that he lied, etc.

Funny thing, they never liked any man I dated until him. Funnier thing? They were all narcissists.

Birds of a feather there.

I bet money (and I am not a gambler) your parents have underminded your concept of reality, you know what it REALLY going on at home, and your husband does it too.

Birds of a sick and twisted feather, sticking together.

Very good point, smokenfire. As usual.

I must ask this, do you suspect that there has been infidelity issues in your parents marraige perhaps?

In your in laws marraige?

If I'm wrong I am so sorry. But it is unfathomable to me. This treatment of you.

Strength

There is an expression I have used many times over the years and I believe it to be true.

" Some of the most toxic people you will ever come across in your life come disguised as family and friends"

If they can't support you and keep undermining you, cut them out of your life. I literally have around 4 family members I talk with as the others never had anything to contribute to my life but drama and heartache.

Some people see divorce as never an option no matter what transpires. I see this fairly commonly in super religious families. For me, nope uh uh. If they cant respect you enough to honor marriage vows than they can GTFO, out of my life.

Your parents have no right to tell you what you should settle for as acceptable in your marriage. It's about your beliefs, not theirs. If they can't stop the ganging up on you and telling you its no big deal then ask them to politely exit your life.

^^^this^^^

Nycountrystrong.

Strength

This is terrible. Now, I know we have all suffered due to our partner's infidelity but in one respect I know I am very lucky, and that is that I can 100% rely on my parents and sister to always be on my side.

I really wonder how I would handle it if there was infidelity in my sons' marriages and maybe that's the issue here - but even so, they need to be backing you up whatever the future holds. You're not in the wrong here, they are.

I called my parents the same night he confessed and to my complete utter shock they basically told me there was nothing wrong with him being with other women, that I had to stop being so sensitive and fix things.

OK, I hoping you're wrong, and in your grief and confusion just misunderstood your parents.

I can understand wanting you two figure out how to work through it, MC, church consoling, whatever, but I can't accept they told you there was nothing wrong with him being with another woman, and that he hadn't done anything wrong.

What exactly did he confess to?

My husband is remorseful and is in disbelief my parents do not hate him. We have been married 20 years and have two boys 8 and 12. It was a one night stand for him during a business trip out of the country. Some random woman came on to him in a bar. He called and confessed immediately after it happened. We are working on reconcilation because he has finally changed after 25 years and tries hard to care about my feelings now. It is strange, but when he first told me, I wasn't even angry or surprised. For so many years he had ignored me and I had started feeling like a single parent. We haven't been intimate for 8 years and I had gotten used to being alone.

My relationship with my parents have always been quite tense. They have physically and emotionally abused me ever since I was little. They intensely favored my sister growing up that people thought I was adopted. I was a bad child because I never smiled or talked and was always unhappy. My sister bullied me and they always defended her and punished me. When I tried to kill myself that only infuriated them because I was an investment that needed to repay them.

That night, when my mom said there was nothing wrong with my husband being with another woman, she meant it. Out of rage, I asked her how she would feel if my dad cheated on her and she said she wouldn't care, that she's not overly sensitive like me. I know this is a lie because she refused to talk to her sister for 10 years just because she felt she was flirting with my dad. Both my parents just want me to act normal and forget about what happened so they can continue with their lives.

I know I need to cut them from my life for my own sanity but I am so pathetic and conditioned to please them. I know I need to change.

Thank you all for listening to my rant. I am a very private person so it has been hard to finally share my story.

I'm so sorry DarkHorse! They are absolutely wrong to do that, not only because you are their child, but because WH is outrageously wrong... I know this must feel like a double-betrayal, and I'm so sorry. I am so glad you are here, with people to share with and I hope you will have some encouragement through that. People here truly care and will help any way possible. Hugs Ice

It is painful when our parents don't get it. My dad announced 9 months after dday "at least he didn't cheat on you" after my shock wore off and I could speak, I said "ummmm - yes. He did." He went on about how he didn't sleep with her so no he didn't. It was the last time I spoke to my dad about the infidelity.

Parents aren't infallible. They screw up. My dad (who was a cheater once) did not have the ability to show empathy for my pain. I guarantee if his wife had taken his money and spent on a man she was in love with in order to woo him into sleeping with her - he'd feel betrayed.

I hope you stood up for yourself. They're clearly dysfunctional and you'll need to look elsewhere for support. My neighbour who I don't even get along with - she's the one who came over every night and held me and listened and distracted me to pull me out of the rabbit hole when I teetered on the edge.

Just read your last response darkhorse- they are sick. They are abusive and sound like monsters. You have spent a lifetime trying to win their love - they are incapable of giving it, not because you are not worthy but because they are twisted.

You acknowledge you need to stop trying to please them. Google codependency...see if you recognize yourself in there.

Hi DarkHorse:

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but it's a wonderful community filled with people who care.

A question: Do your parents benefit or hope to benefit from your husband's income/income potential?

I can't fathom why they would side with him other than hopes of monetary gain (you stated that you were an investment and needed to repay them) or that they are just horrible, horrible people.

Does your H know of the abuse you suffered as a child? Why would he want you to continue to be subjected to this?

Imo, if you are working at reconciliation with your H, you should cut off contact/visits with your folks.

They are unhealthy for you and certainly aren't friends of your marriage.

You've endured too much at their hands. It's time to concentrate on worthy, lovely YOU.

I'm sorry your parents can't see you for the strong woman you are. Truly, it's their loss.

If they make you feel small and unloved, think of how great you COULD feel by excommunicating these toxic excuses for parents.

Sending hugs.

My parents would skin me alive if I would have cheated on my xwife. I can see inlaws burying their heads in the sand, mine did, but not the parents. My parents have 7 children and they dont have time to hesistate in callling any one of us out on our crap.

Before all this happened to me the word trauma was reserved for people in combat or victims of violent crimes. This stufg is very traumatic and I feel for you. I hope you find the support from others you deserve and need.

Edit; I just read where you were abused when you were younger. That at least tells me something regarding your parents response. It almost seems your husband is to be trusted more than them and hes the WH.

[This message edited by NewDayforDad at 6:40 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

Greetings,

Im sorry to hear of your situation-

I can certainly understand somewhat your experiences- when i found out snd told my parents they were outraged but kept their cool and were supportive- but when i went to her mother fir help she blamed me - i said ok, thank you and never spoke with her again - she has since passed, but not before i forgave her -

Regardless of her mother comments i know its wrong and i do not condone this type of behavior - and i will not tolerate my children do this to another person - these people will believe what they want - i stand in my beliefs and you should too

What's important is you, get some IC, take care of yourself and get healthy- walk through the pain- know that it will pass - get and stay healthy-

this is very wrong period- you have a lot of support and you will raise above this issue and be a stronger person -

I'm pleased your husband is remorseful. You're going to need him to help you heal from his betrayal and the trauma it has caused in you. One of those things about adultery where the person who harmed you now helps you heal. I think you also need his support to help you heal from the trauma of betrayal from your own parents.

This is such a tough situation for you. You need to rely on the person who has harmed you more than anyone else could (IMO). And you don't have your family to have your back if reconciliation doesn't take.

You do have a family of sorts here. Please lean on the good folks here. Use them for comfort, support, sounding board, whatever. I do think you need to cut your parents out of your life.

When you needed parental love, understanding and support they betrayed you and abandoned you. I'm so sorry.