Date of discovery: June 12, 2017
I'm at a point where I can't do this alone anymore. Where to begin?
Perhaps some background first. My W and I have been married for 15 years this year. We have kids. Our relationship in my mind has always been strong. Power couple, I like to joke. Involved in the community, schools, local sports clubs. I never thought I would be here on this forum. Not sleeping, stress-eating, then not eating. That vicious cycle.
About a year and a half ago (Feb 2016), my W met a man through the community activities she and this OM are involved with. I didn't know or think much about it. She talked about him from time to time, I met him at one of their group meetings, seemed like a nice guy.
By mid march, tragedy befell a friend of my W's, and my W was there for her. Hospital stays, and eventually a burial and help planning the memorial service. I saw a change in my W, which I attributed to her grief. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to maintain "normal operations" and even at one point I suggested she should go to a community meeting. That resulted in a major argument, that really threw me for a loop when she said to me "I don't even know you." From then on, things were different. We were eventually able to move past that previous argument, but I detected a noticeable change. Communication started to dwindle. My W would come home from work, ask a few things about my day, I would ask about her day and get very little back. At dinner time, she would be on her phone, we would be eating and not talking. I would take care of bed time for the kids while she cleaned up from dinner. After I get the kids to bed, I would come down, she would either be asleep, or on her phone. I assumed she was lurking on one of her message boards, until one night I noticed a lot of typing movements with her thumbs (she always sat so I could only see the back of the phone).
I decided that I wouldn't ask her who she was texting because it was really none of my business.
Fast forward a few months to early June 2016 and things were slightly better. (I should add I have been seeing a therapist regularly for my depression and anxiety and I had brought up the march argument to my therapist and we had a plan of action to address it with my W - that argument had brought back a lot of previous issues from my childhood -btw). By June 2016, we had been in a better place, communication was slightly better. Our physical relationship was beginning to come around, although that has always been on/off in our 15 years of marriage - so there was nothing ever concerning to me about it (at this point). One day in June, we rec'd a post card from the man - "friend" - that she met through the community activities. I asked her about it - the post card was addressed to the whole family - but that is when a warning flag went up. Not only that, buy my W went on and on about the guy. How great he is, he's "interesting" and nice. The "friend" was on a business trip - and he found time out of his busy schedule to select a post card of some really beautiful architecture which my W enjoys, writes the post card, and drops it in the mail. I should have said something then and there, because I think others would agree with me, who was the post card really for? But I didn't. I let it go. I had a warning flag in my mind, but I figured I was being a jealous git because he's a guy and maybe I'm not as forward thinking as I thought I was...
By the middle of the summer 2016, our communication had dwindled again. My W is off for summers - and we weren't connecting. One night I was looking for a pen, and went into my W's office desk drawer and found a rock - smooth, like a rock from a beach - nothing native to our coastline - at least that I have seen. Then I see another trinket - on the shelf behind her desk - with the name of the state that (you guessed) the "friend" had sent the post card from - and neither of us have been to that state.
My warning flag started waiving. I asked about the rock and the other trinket. She said it was from her "friend" - this OM. I asked if she was talking to him regularly she said that they text from time to time. I should have asked to see the text messages, but I honestly was afraid for two reasons: 1) She would think I was suspicious and un-trusting and jealous, 2) what would the text messages say. I decided that I would sneak a peak at her texts - which proved difficult because I started to notice how she and her phone NEVER parted company.
Finally, one morning in august, I was able to get to her phone, and just as I was getting ready to look, he texted her with an apparent nickname he has for her. This was at 5:30 AM. Now my warning flags started to turn into a siren - 5:30 AM seems outside of friendship boundaries. Needless to say, I saw that, freaked out and didn't unlock the phone to see the rest of the message. I didn't even confront my W because I didn't know what to do. I didn't even address it with my therapist at that point because I wasn't sure of the context of the message.
Later in the week, I had asked my W if she wanted me to back up her phone, since I was backing mine up. She said sure. On a whim I decided to use another software that I own that can view the contents of the backups. I figured I would see just how often she had been texting this OM. I was prepared for a few hundred texts in the time frame that they have known each other (Feb to August 2016). My estimate was jaw-droppingly off. 20,000+ text messages from Feb to August! As a data person, i immediately put it into a spreadsheet, to see who has been texting more, and the numbers came out exactly down the middle (I was hoping for more texts from the OM and fewer responses from my W). For every text, there was a response. I was shocked. I should have said something right then and there, but I didn't. I figured I would snoop a little to investigate exactly where this texting relationship is going. That is where I felt I crossed a line - my W has a right to privacy. I dug into their text messages, I analyzed word usage, decoded their secret communication lingo. Some flirty, nothing scandalous. Texting times were definitely outside of friendship hours - 5:30 AM, 1:30, 2 AM - times that should be spent sleeping were spent texting with this OM. Deep conversations - religion, politics, beliefs, family. In a sense I was relieved, but extremely upset at the same time. I realized this could be one aspect to our communication problem. I realized the energy she spent into texting this OM left very little for us.
Because I had crossed a line, and I know my W would be devastated to know that I read her private messages (only to this guy I might add), I decided I would focus on making things better for us. Until... September 2016. She started getting coffee with the OM after dropping the kids off at school. I had to say something because I was uncomfortable with her spending time with this guy, knowing what I read in the texts (again, flirty, nothing scandalous, things that I would say to my W). One day as W and I walked the kids to school together (on her off day), she mentioned to me she was going to grab coffee with this OM, and I said, "just the two of you?" She said yes, and I said, "so... like a date?" She didn't really respond, but said "oh don't say that..." After coffee, she came down to my office (I was working from home that day) and asked if I was ok with her getting coffee with the OM, because I made her uncomfortable with my date comment. I asked her how much are you texting with this OM because I noticed you are on your phone A LOT. She lied to me - "oh we text, but its usually as part of a larger threat related to the community building activities." But because I didn't have the ethical ground to stand on (I snooped, read her private communication), I couldn't say anything.
Meanwhile, my depression and anxiety grew worse because I couldn't talk to anyone. My therapist didn't even know at this point. I was low. One day at a local book store, I was on the verge of tears with my W, and I asked her about the OM. I said does he want something more than just friendship with you - I mentioned the post card(s) (there have been more since the first one in June of 2016) - asked about other things - trinkets. She told me that they are "just friends" and he is a nice guy and wants to be friends with "us". Just then, coincidentally I get a text from this OM asking to go see a movie with him and a couple of other dads from our kids' school. She says "see, he doesn't want to see a move with me, he wants to see a movie with you and wants to be your friend too." It took a few more conversations, but she eventually convinced me that everything is OK with us, our physical relationship heated up again, we were talking a little more. I started letting my guard down. Actually hanging out with the OM - I thought he was a nice guy. He and my W started working out together - early morning runs (which I was never invited to bc someone had to stay home to get the kids up).
Things slightly improved, my depression and anxiety improved a little. I pushed the texting from my mind and let it go.
Fast forward to 2017, and things have just stayed even-keeled - our communication hasn't improved, but hasn't worsened. Our physical relationship had cooled off again. I started a new job, so I was focused on that and not on stuff at home.
In March of 2017, we hit another low point - we had essentially stopped communicating altogether - I would put the kids to bed, she would be asleep on the couch. I would watch TV, she would be on her phone. In the meantime up to this point, we had been over to the OM's house for dinner with his family (he has W and children) several times, they have been over to our house. Things seemed off in March between us, and I couldn't quite figure out what it was. We had discussed my struggles with house work, finishing tasks and I know that was a bone of contention with my W and me.
We continued our decline, our physical relationship was all but non-existent at this point. Maybe we found time to connect romantically every three weeks or so.
In May, things got really weird between us. It felt as though my W couldn't make time for me, for us. My parents came for a visit, and my W made herself scarce. When my W and I tried to connect romantically, she would have an excuse like she really had to finish her book for book club. When we finally did connect physically, it felt like she wasn't present.
I had this feeling in my gut that something was not right, something that was distracting her more than usual. I had this feeling that someone had been in the house. Immediately my alarm bells starting blaring. One night, in early June 2017, my W could not get to bed fast enough. Normally there is some down time after putting the kids to bed, she would fall asleep on the couch or text and I would watch some TV - our routine. But she broke that routine, hurried to bed. I decided to snoop again because it didn't feel right. No goodnight, no I'm really tired... just straight to bed with out even a backward glance. Another telling sign, we had some items of clothes on the bed that she pushed to my side. Normally when this happens, either I, or her, would clear the bed, put stuff away. She left it all for me. It was out of character and alarming.
I decided I would check her phone for text messages. What I found next broke me. She deleted every single text from the OM. Every other text was there from her other contacts. Prior to this, she had also taken care to make sure that the message previews on the lock screen were muted and not displayed.
I decided to back up her phone while she was asleep. I also decided that I would set up a camera facing the front door of the house to see if anyone comes by, suspecting that the person that I felt was in the house was this OM.
So, I had the backups, and I had to wait for my camera from Amazon. The camera was well disguised, and I set it up. On Friday, June 12, I had my answer. The camera showed my W and this OM talking, then get closer, and closer. Until finally they kiss for approximately 15 mins. Then they leave the house at which point prior to opening the front door, the OM kisses her again, deeply. I checked the phone backup, used special software to recover deleted text messages, discovered that this has been going on since at least March, possibly earlier. The deleted texts lose some timestamp data and order so it's hard to exactly pinpoint when it began. I'm assuming it has been a PA, meaning beyond just kissing, but I have 0 proof of that. The texts have gotten increasingly flirty over the time that I stopped monitoring. I saw references to "let's talk, and nothing else... just talk" to talking about kissing each other.
I'm at a loss. My W doesn't know that I know. I have tearfully read her a letter I wrote to remind her of us, and how I'm not a priority in her life right now. About how this OM brings so much stress and anxiety to us.
She has favorably responded to my appeal for a re-focus on our relationship, to the extent that these past few weeks have been like the early days in our relationship - talking, excited about waking up next to each other, her phone is not attached to her, she leaves it different places around the house. We are doing things as a family, there is more thought and courtesy between the two of us. I have worked on my issues such as ensuring the clutter is gone, keeping the house picked up, cooking more dinners, planning meals, helping fold laundry. I have been trying to be a better communicator in general, as my therapist and I have been working on that aspect.
How do I address this with her? Do I tell her what I know even though it would risk exposing my sources and methods and more importantly erode what trust she has left in me. I know she still texts with the OM, although its definitely not as frequent. I have avoided hanging out with him and "strangely", he hasn't bothered reaching out to me. She seems focused on re-building us.
I just don't know where to go from here. I am deeply affected by this, my depression and anxiety are worse than ever. I have brought my therapist up to date, but he's not a relationship/marriage counselor.
Thanks and apologies for the novel.
