SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How is it different from regret

Remorse is completely different.

No Blaming.

No Anger.

Willingness to be open and truthful.

Willingness to do "Whatever it takes" to start the path of R.

No more of the asinine statements"I didn't think" "If only you..," "I didn't mean to...." You see my point.

It's more I have hurt you tremendously. I understand that and I will do everything I can everyday for the rest of my life to show you I am worthy of your love.

It has a completely different feel. Until you know it it's hard to distinguish the difference.

Regret is the WS wishing like f*** they hadn't blown up their lives.

Remorse is the WS figuring out why the hell they did it and empathising with the people who've they've caused so much pain.

T/j from another post on this forum: Remorse involves the WS wanting to change and taking steps to do so. Regret, is not recognising that they should change.

Or maybe it's like that adage about pornography: I can't tell you what it is but I know it when I see it.

Regret is feeling sorry for yourself because you're now having to live with the results of a decision you've made.

We've all done things we regret and then suffered the consequences. Quitting a good job for one you thought was better - only to find out it was worse and now you're stuck there. Investing all your money in a stock that went belly up and now your 401k or retirement fund is down to zero. These are things you regret doing because they directly impact the quality of your life - and never in a good way.

Remorse is physically and emotionally feeling pain for the pain you've caused someone else - not for the pain you've caused YOURSELF due to your actions. It's wanting to do whatever you humanly can to make up for the pain you've caused and actually DOING it. It's doing whatever you can to try to clean up the mess you made and working hard to give the person you hurt peace of mind, body and heart. It's putting 110% effort into doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes to fix things.

Just crying and begging your spouse to forgive you for what you did and saying you don't want to lose them isn't remorse. Just saying "I'm sorry!" 2000 times isn't remorse. It's regret because something they did is now impacting them in a negative way.

I guess the best way to explain it is that remorse is selfless. It's when they actually put YOU and YOUR needs ahead of their own.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:27 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

Thanks, yes WH is remorseful. He's said and is showing he's committed to doing whatever it takes to make me feel safe again and eventually trust again.

He knows what led to affair and is not blaming me - he knows it was the most selfish thing he could do and is sincerely hurting for how he hurt me. He calls me often to check up on me and willing to talk about affair even though he doesn't want to. He recognizes the behaviors that led to a wandering mind and eyes. He's not watching porn and deleted all of the "friends" that were sluts looking for hookups. and, suggested on his own to friend women with my consent. He's doing many things and hopefully one day my heart will heal. It will be scarred but for now it's bleeding...

I've never gotten anything close to remorse. Mine blames me for all the shit ty things he's done. Yeah, don't even think there's any regret, either.

The other part about remorse is that it doesn't end. It doesn't have a deadline and it doesn't suggest you have one either. Remorse doesn't stop, ever.

Regret, packaged and sold as remorse, can't hang in the race forever. We have had people whose WS had seemed remorseful but really was only pretending to be remorseful, hoping if they tried hard in the beginning, the affair stuff would eventually go away. Sometimes as long as over a year.

So you can't tell right away. It takes a long time and consistent actions to have any real assurance of remorse. But if the remorse ever seems to end, or go backwards, that's how you know it wasn't really remorse.

Can I ask?

He knows what led to affair

What does he say led to it?

he says he felt lonely. after my nervous breakdown two years ago that was work related -- my meds made me sleepy and disconnected. i would go to bed by 8pm and not very sexual. he says my depression made me unavailable. he owns the fact and his words "when i was supposed to be there for you and help you, i only thought about myself. i failed you and left you alone with your sickness. i was wrong and it had nothing to do with you but my selfishness. there's no good reason except i'm a selfish bastard."

@ArkLaMiss - I'm sorry to hear that -- has he gone to MC or IC did you make that a dealbreaker?

This thread is wonderful. Thanks to destiny777 for starting it.

I, personally, find it impossible to withhold forgiveness from someone who shows true remorse.

By your explanation Tushnurse

I'm SOL

nice to know what it doesn't look like.

there's no good reason except i'm a selfish bastard."

eh...It's kind of a cop out. WHY did he behave like a selfish bastard? That's for him in IC. All the correct answers do not include you in them. Until he figures out his motivations and inclinations and finds healthier ways to handle them, he's going to be faced with the same situation next time he feels like a selfish bastard.

Thank you for this very useful thread.

-Didact

Regret from my WH was "I feel bad for hurting you by having an affair BUT I only did it because _________________." Fill in the blank with whatever nonsense you can find. Remorse is "I had no reason for betraying your love and trust like I did. I am ashamed of myself, but I am much more worried about how much I hurt you. I am so sorry I let you down. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you whether we are together or not."

It's not just the words. The actions match CONSISTENTLY.

Remorse doesn't fret over what it isn't getting in return for it's efforts. Regret does. Remorse does not point out their spouse's imperfections. Regret does. Remorse does not try to defend themselves from their spouse's raw emotions because remorse see's it as a positive step that their spouse is sharing their pain with them instead of shutting down and walking away. Regret can't handle it and sees it as a punishment to gut through. Remorse says "My actions deeply harmed someone who loved and trusted me above all others and I will make it right by doing whatever it takes to help my spouse heal for however long it takes." Regret says "I'm still here, aren't I? That should be enough. What more do you want from me? When are you finally going to get over it?"

Remorse is a giver. Regret is a taker, always keeping score so that they get more than they give. The receiver of true remorse doesn't have to ask what it looks like. I am so sorry that your WS is trying to pass off regret as remorse.

The receiver of true remorse doesn't have to ask what it looks like.

BINGO! Spot on!

Remorse says, "I broke it, I want to fix it."

Regret says, "I broke it, now you fix it."

IMHO if the very first 'apology' doesn't ring of true remorse then don't believe any follow-up revisions. In my experience the perp will learn what words they're supposed to say to project remorse.

[This message edited by TheOldGuy at 2:30 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Be careful---Remorse = Actions over Time.

It is waaaaay too often when the newly betrayed are on this site believing that their partner is remorseful. And I am not trying to be the bitter, jaded person. It is just that even if remorse WAS instant(which IMHO, is an impossibility....they haven't even had to time to comprehend the damage done), how would you know it? It takes time to show that remorse is there.

The problem is that we, as betrayed spouses, want to believe it so badly, that we compromise our beliefs. That is why it is often said that remorse just feels right. It is hard to convince your feelings that you are wrong.

I thought I had it at one time. For almost three years. It turns out that I was wrong. So at least I know what it definitely does NOT look like.

Regret says "Stop making me feel bad for what I did, I don't want to feel like this"

Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you, I feel horrible for what I did. I don't want you to feel like this. I will do whatever I can to help you for as long as you need me to"

[This message edited by Sian at 9:23 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

I'm am so grateful for this thread.

I have been questioning this very topic - you know when things just don't seem quite right😞