SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I don't know where to start but I will say after four years I have started smoking again. It has been just over three weeks since I found out that my wife went home with another man from a nightclub while I was out of town camping. She had met the guy one time before a few months back. She went out for a girls night on a Friday as I left to go camping with buddies of mine. She gave him her number and went back out with him Saturday night and slept with him and stayed the night with him.

I can start by saying things of been off for a few years I thought mostly because of our small children. I didn't do a good job with intimacy or quality time and therefore the sex life went south. In these three weeks I've read a few books, one of which was the five languages of love. I have determined my wife is loved by quality time and I am loved by physical touch. So for 1 to 2 years we were not meeting that love. However the affection was still there and that was keeping me going. I'm devastated because I had no idea that her love tank was empty. I see the signs now but I just don't think that she told me well enough.

Since the beginning of 2014 she had started going out for girls night about once a month. We argued about it as things got worse; wouldn't answer my phone calls or text, wouldn't show up when she said she would, staying out past 2am, lying about where she would go. At first I was okay with it as I would do things with my friends (not the same nights, separate activities; soccer camping, etc.) but things progressively got worse.

Three weeks before the affair she stayed out till 2am on a girls night and we had a big fight. She was a little tipsy and very aggressive (as she is gentle by nature) but she basically told me that she was not in love with me. I did not know what to do I was shocked. I should have saw it coming. And even though I had so many signs telling me not to go camping I still did.

As things had gotten worse this fall I started checking phone records more often and "find my iPhone" tracking. this is how I found out two days later that she had met someone. I realized through the house alarm tracking that she had left Saturday night did not come home till Sunday morning. She admitted she met a guy but nothing had happened. But I threatened to call the guy and she finally confessed.

I got a lot of details at first, she is now refused to tell me anymore. But apparently they got fully naked and had sex, she even said that she wasn't that drunk. She claims they used a condom! Yay!... I'm still very concerned about STDs although we have not had sex since September (not my choice, she's never had a high sex drive with me, been a big issue). She did start her period yesterday so pregnancies not an issue. She claimed that some time before this happened, in her mind she felt separate from me. Although I had no idea she felt that way.

She has ended all contact with the guy and I have recovered deleted data from her phone, so I know that's true. three weeks has felt like purgatory and I am looking forward to counseling. I just hope it helps. I'm not a church goer at the moment but I have strong Christian morals and maybe that's why am so devastated. I never imagined or believed in divorce and I thought she felt the same. Perhaps she does, she's still here with me.

Sorry this is long I hope someone reads it all?!

We talked a lot, but it's just not the same anymore. For the last few years I've been telling her it feels like were roommates. Boy is that ever true now! There's very little affection (which I need) or intimacy (which she needs).... It hurt a little when she told me if it wasn't for our two kids she would've been gone a few years ago. I think there's still more love there I just hope we can find it. As she has said she has love for me but not in love with me. I feel that I did not put our love on a pedestal like I should have and that was wrong of me. But I don't think she ever told me clearly that she was falling out of love with me.

THIS ROLLER COASTER SUCKS!! and I like roller coasters as I am a pilot....

I just want to state I have never cheated on anyone and I've never picked up a phone number and hardly even flirted since I've been with my wife. My wife is beautiful and she looks like a supermodel (another issue, she thinks I'm only there for her beauty). Everyone tells us were a beautiful couple and we go well together. I have been told that I am her family's favorite son-in-law and her family that knows about this are shocked... Her crazy sister "the troublemaker" who was there the night this happened and a was shocked, said "if we can't make it, then what hope is there for anyone else" I just put that in there because I'm truly blindsided never would I have saw this coming...

So sorry you are here, but all of us here have been where you are now one way or another & we are around to offer a place to vent and be there for you. I get it when you said she told you she loves you, but not in love with you, sounds like something from my script. Its tough brother and its important for you to start taking care of you... sleep, eat, try not to focus on this every moment. Try to log and keep records of everything, talk to an attorney, seek counseling, talk with close friends and family and go to church. I might say most important dont do anything crazy or impulsive right now as you are not at a point where you can make sound decisions - your world is a bit screwey.

Breathe.... stay in here and more of us will be around shortly to pass on some great information.

I forgot to mention a few things...

She's a very private girl and she doesn't want to discuss this with very many people. I fill the opposite but I try to respect that decision. although I have told a few more people than I should have. Some are people that she will never be around. To prevent myself from saying more to people I fortunately found this website.

The other thing is about the data recovery on her phone. I just recently did that and discovered that she had given her number out on three other occasions (text flirts) over this last year. I don't think anything came of them in fact most of the nights I remember. She has been guarding her phone like she has something to hide although I have found it all. She has taken the find my iPhone off and put a passcode on her phone. I don't feel that this was wrong of me to do, what do y'all think? I did it because I want to find out more details as it's consuming my mind. She won't tell me any more details about that night so I have to assume it was obviously enjoyable... I also want to know if it only happened once that night or multiple times? And going through the phone records I know she has deleted multiple messages to her friend and sister that she has been talking about this with. Plus she never showed me any of the messages from this guy but I have found all those. Sounds like he got what you wanted. Although she told one of her friends that he asked if she was married and she told him no. She finally told him that she was married and he was mad that she lied to him. What hurts the most is that she told him she was married and separated (we're not separated). But she told me that she just told him that she was married and acted remorseful (for that week, she acts like she's doent care now)to me. The first week this happened she wanted to separate, but she wanted me to move out. I almost did but I talk to a counselor, he advised me to stick it out. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. I want to eventually confront her about these other text messages and some of the data recovered. But I think if I did right now she would flip out that would be a step backwards. What do yall think? I felt that our relationship had always been very honest and now I'm finding some of this information that is really cutting deep. For the last week she has not been wanting to talk about the affair, she just wants to wait to counseling (and she's pestimistic about it).

The last issue is pornography. I guess I have to admit I've been addicted to pornography, I have a high sex drive. She keeps telling me that she feels I have been cheating on her for years by watching porn. That has backfired now so I can go watch it now, as it is a constant reminder of this affair. I just feel that she is trying to deflect her affair by comparing it to me cheating on her with porn.

Now wait a minute you have not had sex since sept. because supposedly she has a low sex drive but has been having sex with another?

Dude I was born at night just not last night.

Ugh DNA test your kids please.

Sorry you are here.

Hi. I'm sorry you're here.

Please, read survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp and http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 .

What is your plan for the next few days? Are you going to talk to a lawyer just in case? How old are the kids? What would be your dealbreaker (that would make you file for divorce)?

Best wishes

Sex was good long ago. I seemed like after we had our 2 year old she built up resentment to me. She thinks I wasent there enough for her during that pregnancy as I was busy with work, but I was still there. But since sept. 2013 we have been about 3-4 weeks till 9/20/14. Affair was 11/15/14. But yeah they're my kids! Lol. I know this hasent hit her yet, but I know it will. Her sister told me she thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe it is. I just wanted to be in my kids life everyday... And I love my wife too.

IMO the adultery continues. She has become secretive about her phone, taken the iPhone find off, changed passwords, clammed up. IMO she has gone underground.

The adultery is all on her. Yes, there are 2 in a marriage and marital issues are shared in some proportion. Adultery is all on the adulterer.

As has been suggested - look after yourself. Sleep deprivation is awful and the bad looks worse. Eat if you can. I couldn't but I could drink so meal replacement drinks helped. I couold drink alcohol, too - bad, especially for a light drinker. Get IC. Make sure you are okay.

Welcome brother, glad you made it, hate that you had to.

Not much time for a reply. Just want to reiterate some things.

Her phone is locked down? Still in the affair.

Texted 3 other guys (at least) her phone number? Brother, this isn't her first trip to the circus. She's been at this a while.

Read the healing library. Pay special attention to #11 in the BS FAQ's . It is especially helpful in times like this. Your WW is still in her affair, protect yourself.

You won't like this part. See a lawyer, learn your rights and responsibilities in case this goes south. Seperate your finances. Cancel joint accounts, especially credit cards. Cancel the cell phone plan, you don't want to help pay for her calls to other men do you? No sex! I know this should be easy, but so was your wife. STI's are rampant, even if it was (doubted) just one guy, one time, how many other women was he with? Condoms are not 100%,especially for Hpv which is undetectable in men until you have growths. Check out how prevelant that is in the general public. See a Dr. Get screened, you really DON'T know how long she's been doing this.

Strength and welcome

[This message edited by 5454real at 7:51 AM, December 11th (Thursday)]

Healthwise I'm actually fairing pretty well now. The first week I lost a lot of sleep and weight. For the last two weeks I've been back to normal, gained my weight back and eating normally. Just being around my WW sucks. I know it's bugging her too she doesn't eat much. She says she does not want to break down for the sake of our children. I hope she will go to IC, she has family issues growing up. I never even thought how that could be an issue for her.

We start counseling today and I do want to go to church (another issue, I never wanted to go). I want to change because I haven't been my self for the last year (resentment). Our kids are both boys 2 and 4.

JMB

Sorry you are here, the pain is only 3 weeks old, so fresh.

As to your WW, she isn't the person you thought you knew. She is cheating, likely has been cheating for some time and shows no remorse. Eventually you will find out the things you know aren't even close, there is more to her infidelity than she is admitting.

She likely started while out on the girls night in early 2014, using lies as to her whereabouts, staying out past 2:00 am. Little to no intimacy with you for the past 2 years, and defensive about her actions when confronted by you.

I believe her hooking up with this guy was not a one night stand. They met before, they met at the bar and they planned the next night out - she knew you were away and she was available.

You have been very nice, it is time to look after yourself. If you can avoid the smoking, please do, your health is important. Get professional help for you to cope, protect yourself and your family financially, see a lawyer to get proper advise and protect your assets.

Know this, your WW statements say she has checked out of the marriage, you may reconcile, you may divorce but for now the person you need to look after is you and your small children. Your wife has crushed your marriage, not you.

I wish you strength in dealing with this.

Read 5454 again. Very important. Look after yourself. We all wanted to think the best of our spouse. Even if we were suspicious we didn't want to go there. There is a lot of hard lessons learned related here. They are related to you to help you avoid some of the pitfalls others experienced. If she can commit adultery what else would she be willing to do. There are horror stories about charges of abuse, rape, and a myriad of others that the BS never believed the one they loved would do. Find out how to protect yourself. If and when things work out a little at a time can be given back to the marriage. First step is IC for both of you. Don't do MC without a spouse that is working on their issues. Don't do MC with a spouse who could still well be committing adultery. God go with you and your boys.

JMB

Sorry you are here, the pain is only 3 weeks old, so fresh.

As to your WW, she isn't the person you thought you knew. She is cheating, likely has been cheating for some time and shows no remorse. Eventually you will find out the things you know aren't even close, there is more to her infidelity than she is admitting.

She likely started while out on the girls night in early 2014, using lies as to her whereabouts, staying out past 2:00 am. Little to no intimacy with you for the past 2 years, and defensive about her actions when confronted by you.

I believe her hooking up with this guy was not a one night stand. They met before, they met at the bar and they planned the next night out - she knew you were away and she was available.

You have been very nice, it is time to look after yourself. If you can avoid the smoking, please do, your health is important. Get professional help for you to cope, protect yourself and your family financially, see a lawyer to get proper advise and protect your assets.

Know this, your WW statements say she has checked out of the marriage, you may reconcile, you may divorce but for now the person you need to look after is you and your small children. Your wife has crushed your marriage, not you.

read the above. There is no way she is still not cheating on you if she is locking you out of her communications and being secretive. Sorry, she lost that privilege.

She has been probably doing a lot of stuff on these girls nights out that you are not aware of. You need to see an attorney, like yesterday.

No MC before you are SURE she is not still cheating, which she is, and if you do not show her consequences you will not stop it. You cannot control her, but she only regrets you caught her, and she either gives you no contact, transparancy, commitment, and remorse or you are doomed to remain in misery.

Read here and see what happens to those who play the "pick me' game and allow WW to maintain all the power.

You CANNOT nice her back.

Why are you keeping her dirty secrets? FTS. She doesn't get to dictate who you talk with. I'd call her parents and ask for their help in this difficult time. Mention her sister was present too. Without any consequence she gets a free pass.

Time to 180 her. Lawyer up and find out your rights.

She may be smoking hot on the outside but her insides are ugly.

Get a few VARs and place them strategically in the house and in her car. Your probably not going to like what you hear. But it will be helpful making the decision weather or not R is possible. Right now it is not.

Read as much as you can in the healing library. Your about to get your PHD in infidelity. After a few years here you start to recognize a pattern. As if the cheaters follow a hand guide.

Sometimes this shit is very perdictable.

And don't even try to nice her back. Won't work and makes you look weak. She won't respect you if you try the nice route. Ask me how I know.

I have determined my wife is loved by quality time and I am loved by physical touch.

The contradictions from a WW actions and words are enough to make anyone sick.

It is doubtful any of her affairs would be considered quality time and they were all about sex for the guy and self validation for her.

So if she ever tells you quality time is important to her, ask her how much quality there is in a one night stand.

In order to reconcile, the other guy(s) have to be out of the picture. Your wife is living a completely fantasy world now and is not even thinking about the possible consequences of her actions.

Do you believe she wants a divorce, do you believe she would go through with a divorce?

Sometimes the only way to shock the WS into reality is to have them served with divorce papers. Make life REAL for them again, because affairs are usually not real life at all.

The affairs need to stop, and it sounds like more than one affair. If she is so private, usually affairs stop when they are brought out into the daylight, with people like her parents knowing about it.

Your wife is now lying to anyone that will listen to her that marriage to you sucks, she is doing this to rationalize her affair into the right thing to do.

She certainly needs IC to deal with her childhood issues right now.

So does she say she wants a divorce at this time?

Can she support herself?

And you need to call this other guy and tell him your wife lied and she is married. Which also means that she is taking her wedding ring off when she goes out. She is looking to have affairs.

I should also mention, it would be a good idea to talk to a family lawyer and find out your rights and options since there are children involved.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 9:21 AM, December 11th (Thursday)]

To 5454real

I guess I didn't mention we have been together nearly 10 years married for 6 1/2.

Yes the phone is basically on lockdown. I just discussed that with her yesterday that I don't like it and I want her find iPhone back on. I'm okay with it for now(few weeks) but that is a dealbreaker for me now.

But the software I bought I was able to recover nearly all deleted messages. The three other messages to other guys weren't really a big deal. She is a different person when she drinks. I think that will be another dealbreaker no drinking without me. I will continue to monitor her phone when I can get access to it. But you're helping me see things differently. This particular friend that she goes out with often (not all the time) she has told me she had multiple affairs on her husband. This is her best friend from high school.

I can't get all the details out on this forum. But our marriage has been pretty close and honest we spent a lot of time together and I don't think she has had other affairs but I guess I don't really know. In the deleted messages it was mostly him pursuing her.

To craig2001

I don't believe that she wants a divorce. But she would probably go through a divorce if things don't change and she's not happy.

She has not said that she wants a divorce. She wants to try counseling although she's pessimistic.

She could support herself but it would be a struggle. This has been another issue she wants me to get a better paying job although I make 25% more than her. We live in the oil fields of Texas and the economy has been booming here. She wants me to find a better paying job and I am considering it just for myself now. But it would be a career change, but I'm ok with that if it's the right job. Would help me take my mind off of things. To much time to think in my job.

JWB,

There are many text apps that do not show up on phone records. Most phones come pre-loaded with at least one and they are very easy to download.

I agree with the others. Very unlikely this was a one night stand. We don't reach that conclusion just based off what you have told us. Us veterans have read 1,000 stories that start out like yours. The WS never come clean with everything initially. Especially when she wasn't admitting anything until you found some evidence.

I also think girls night has probably been her and OM night. You going camping was their big opportunity to do the sleepover and they took advantage. Think about it. She wasn't that drunk yet she stayed the night? If you somehow believe that this wasn't planned, why would she spend the night? No way you should believe this story. You will find out eventually that it's not true.

Another thing that caught my attention, your wife needs intimacy to feel loved yet has a ONS. She's is shifting blame to you. Very common with cheaters.

I don't want to scare you but you should be very concerned as to what is really going on with your wife. The passcode on the phone should be a deal breaker alone. Cheating spouses do not get to pass protect their phones. She gave that privacy up when she was naked with another man.

You won't "nice her" back. It's been tried a million times and it never works. And you'll hate yourself down the road for trying.

You should get pissed and treat this like you and your kids are under attack. Shine the light on the affair. Tell who ever you want. Make it uncomfortable for her. Call the OM immediately. Nothing makes roaches run away faster than the light of day.

Thanks guys the FAQ are great. I've been feeling like doing a 180 for about a week now. I think it's coming soon! We have both been unhappy for a while although there's still love. And I have been thinking about what I would do if we divorce. And I feel the future is bright! I should get enough money to buy another house. That's my big concern for my kids, although she would figh to keep them. And I'm fine with that as long as we would do joint custody and I think she would do that.

I haven't talk to a lawyer just read up on Texas divorce online. What would suck is child support....

I think I will talk to a lawyer though.

She wants to try counseling although she's pessimistic.

Being pessimistic is just an excuse to continue her affairs.

She needs IC, individual counseling as well to figure out what her mental issues are. She is using phony excuses to play around, and that is not normal.

Tell her to get a better paying job. Once again, another excuse to continue her current actions. Blame everything and anything except the big elephant in the room, the affairs.

She needs to stop hanging around people that advocate affairs.

And you need to have her read the book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. That should open her eyes to exactly how wrong she is and how bad her behavior is and how wrong her blaming you is.

Dude, the brothers here at SI have given you some really good advice and opinions. I suggest you begin to listen to them. I really don't think your seeing the big picture here, this is not a one off thing, this is a ongoing behavior your WW has been displaying. Shit, I don't even think the story about the ONS is true, and if it is its just a very small piece of the story that she is giving you. I think she has been engaging in affairs for quite some time now. Everything you have posted about your situation and your WW is classic WS behaviors. You really need to do some serious digging and get to the truth. I'd suggest you ask her to take a polygraph to verify her story. Bro, we all have heard this bullshit before, they minimize, lie and make a fool out of us. What your feeling is only natural because you want to believe that what she's telling you is true, you don't want to know the real truth because its going to destroy you. This is why your excusing her behaviors and accepting partial blame for what she has done. But I'm going to tell you from firsthand experience the way your approaching this is all wrong. You have to stand tall and be harsh, she has to know that your not going to put up with anymore lies and bullshit from her. Because if you don't she is going to keep playing you like a violin. Yep, she is playing you with the nonsense of locking her phone and taking off the tracking app. She is still in tough with the douchebag OM and probably has been seeing the asshole for months. ONS my fucking ass.

Cheaters lie, that's just how it goes. And she is going to keep lying to you and dictating how things are going to be until you stand up to her. Lay down the fucking law and demand the truth, insist on the polygraph as a condition of R. I'll bet my left nut that you only have about 20% of what really has and is happening. Wake up man and see what's going on here. Things will never change unless YOU change them. She is never going to do anything unless she is motivated to do so, and the way you motivate her insert some reality into this situation. Expose her cheating ass, stop keeping her dirty little secrets. Toss her ass to the curb when you catch her lying or telling you how R is going to go. Unless you take charge if this situation now the future is going to be bleak. I know I sound harsh and I'm sorry. But I'm telling you from experience that your handling this wrong and she not going because she has no fear of what can happen to her. I'd give her a chance to come clean 100% and even then I'd insist on the polygraph just to have peace of mind. But I'll bet you a weeks pay that if you ask for the Poly she is gonna throw a fit and storm off, probably to the OM. Her reaction to that demand is going to tell you volumes about the lies she is keeping. I hope things change for you my man, but you have to drive the bus now. Your WW is nothing but an emotional terrorist, and we all know you don't negotiate with terrorists. Good luck !!!!

Yes, please go talk to a lawyer!

Also, carry a VAR on you at all times when you're around her, and record every interaction. You don't want to be falsely accused of domestic violence.

Also, start document her behaviour and your behaviour with the kids, as it might be relevant in a custody battle.

Best wishes!