Bulcy posted 10/19/2020 04:34 AM

I read with interest the "lost innocence" thread on the General forum. My BS and I are going through exactly this. We're trying to come to terms with the loss of all of the "firsts" and have been discussing what can be done to get new firsts and start our happy memories again.

Have any of you worked through this and what did you do? We are planning new adventures together and are looking at what has been damaged and what can be done to replace the broken areas of our marriage while not forgetting what I have done to so badly hurt my wife and our past life together..

MrCleanSlate posted 10/19/2020 15:10 PM

Bulcy,

It seems that everyone deals with 'firsts', special days, anniversaries, etc. in much different ways.

I suppose my experience is different than yours since my BW said that regardless we have been married for 28 years and we are still married, and she expects me to make it a special day (mind you first year was reserved instead, but we grow as time passes). She does kind of block out whatever happened during the year of my LTA - including having deleted all photos, etc. so as to remove triggers.

The A and the AP took so much, but we also came out the other end of R much stronger and healthier as a couple than we were for years before the A (trauma of the A is still there too).

In the years since D-Day we went through HB and then around year 3 our R kind of started to transition into a new M - one where we were a team, on the same page and communicating well.

Worrying about complacency we take the time to date. We'd go out for walks, movies, dinners, etc. We make a point of spending time together and that includes some planned 'sex' nights. So in a way we are making lots of new firsts.

Do something different - I taught my wife to skate and we go to a nice park near our place and skate around the path that winds through the park and then have hot chocolate or go for wine and apps afterwards. I also made up a playlist of love songs for my wife and we have a bath with some wine and maybe a nice massage - I focus on her which she loves.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/19/2020 16:32 PM

Bulcy,

Life is full of coincidences.

My wife sent me an email about a special offer at a resort with a cottage rental and a chef experience and I mentioned to her how cool that looked, but it was kind of expensive.

My wife looked at me with her sweet smile and said - Dear, sometimes I just have to spell everything out for you don't I? Book it and 'surprise' me.

Another first for us - a private chef experience! Booked and looking forward to it. Now I just need to go shopping for some new clothes to make it extra special.