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Update - Facing BH's parents

Historicalcosts7 posted 10/15/2020 22:59 PM

Hello everyone,

It's been 4 1/2 weeks since DDay, and things have been very scattered, from really good adult conversations to the culmination of the worst fight we've ever had resulting in my clothes being thrown on the front lawn earlier this week. The day following the bomb going off we had another really good conversation, and went for a walk to a secluded waterfall and sat and talked there for an hour or two. To say it's been a roller coaster feels it would be an understatement.

This coming weekend is my BH's birthday and his parents are coming from out of town to take him out for lunch. I've been told that if I would like to come I may. My BH said he's ok with me being there.

This brings me to where I'm struggling that not only have I ruined my marriage, I've completely ruined my relationship with his family and have no idea what to expect.

I'm hoping that someone might be able to share their experience with this because I want to be there with him, to help show him I'm in this but I am literally terrified of what I'll be going into.

apache posted 10/15/2020 23:22 PM

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:29 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 10/16/2020 06:07 AM


First of all I commend you on telling the truth to your BH. As much as it may hurt today, it is so much better than to hold back and do trickle truth and extend the pain over a long period of time.

Going somewhere, like a waterfall, and having good long conversations about the A, M and life in general is such a good thing to be doing. Keep talking.

As for the in-laws, well the best person to talk to about this would be your BH about how best to deal with this. The sad truth is this will not be the only time you will have to deal with this type of situation. I found that being subdued,regretful and saying little helped the most. Tell you BH your worries, talk it over with him - this could be a good positive moment to show you are remorseful, that you do care.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 6:09 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

Historicalcosts7 posted 10/16/2020 10:44 AM


Thank you for your reply. We've been really open so I'm gathering my thoughts and am going to speak with him tonight. Obviously his parents have every right to be upset with me, but I'm struggling with how do I attempt to mend these relationship.

Since it's my BH's birthday I definitely don't want to take away from that but it will be awkward. I had intended on not speaking to much and if asked about anything, well that's something for my BH and I to decide how we will address it.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/16/2020 13:06 PM

In a lot of ways there is no starting to mend the extended family/friends relationships until there is some repair/reconciliation between you and your BS.

Even then, there may be some people that just will never be able to look past what you did.

You will also need to contend with those that will be critical of your BH choosing to try to work through R with you.

Both of you will need to deal with this together.

I recall attending a function hosted by my BW's work and I was shunned by most everyone that she worked with closely. It hurt my BW more than me. Keep that in mind.

MyAndI posted 10/16/2020 15:19 PM


Things are RAW, and will be for a long time, so buckle up if you are really committed to R.

First and foremost, if your BH is committed to R it shouldn't be a matter that's OK for you to go to the BDAY party, he should want you there, and it will be a sign to him that you're committed to R. The more you make yourself relevant with him, with acts of kindness and understanding of his pain, the more it will sink into him that you're going to roll your sleeves up and do the hard work necessary to save your marriage.

What you shouldn't do is worry about his family. Your focus is on him. And if he loves you, it's up to him to protect you where his family is concerned. If he allows his family to mistreat you, that would be out way out of bounds. Talk to BH and make sure he understands your boundaries. Now I know it is hard to ask anything of the BH when things are new and raw, but if you both want the marriage, he can't put you out the plank for abuse. His family has to know that he's behind you.

Talk to your BH about this before the party, if you don't feel safe, then you have good reason to stay home.

Historicalcosts7 posted 10/16/2020 15:54 PM


What you shouldn't do is worry about his family. Your focus is on him. And if he loves you, it's up to him to protect you where his family is concerned

This is part of the big argument. He's not sure he wants to reconcile and I let him know I was hurt that he chose to celebrate Thanksgiving (we live in Canada) with his family, and not discuss if I would like to come, and that I made sure he could see his family for the holiday at the expense of me not being able to at least see mine and spending the holiday alone. This led to a huge argument because I felt like he was choosing his family over me.

Talk to BH and make sure he understands your boundaries.

This is what I'm most struggling with. How to communicate my boundaries and what are reasonable. I've been dwelling in this since he mentioned his parents are coming but just can't find the words how to talk to him and I don't want to start another fight.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/16/2020 16:14 PM


Another Canadian here and I can relate as 5 years ago my D-Day occurred just before Thanksgiving.

I know it hurt having him go off on his own. But take solace at least in knowing he is still talking to you.

The first few months after D-Day are painful all around, and for most it is too soon to really even think about R.

At this stage from what you've written it sounds like you both are struggling, but at least you are still trying to communicate.

The first few months my BW and I spent many a night talking. So many Q&A sessions about he A, about why I did what i did, about what we forgot to do to look after our M, about our issues going back years. So much stuff we never dealt with before. And yes a lot of wine was drank. And a lot of tears were shed.

I never knew if R would be possible in those early months.

I did however accept that I could lose everything and that i needed to prove I deserved a chance.

You know, read the post "The Empty Chair" It may help you. (its about 10 posts down from this one).

Talk to you BH. Be open with each other.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/16/2020 16:17 PM


One more thing - go to the top of the Wayward forum. there is one pinned post Things Every WS Need to Know. That one post saved me. Hopefully it will help you too.

MyAndI posted 10/16/2020 17:06 PM

HC7, have you thought about asking BH to come onto SI?

[This message edited by MyAndI at 5:07 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Historicalcosts7 posted 10/16/2020 18:25 PM

have you thought about asking BH to come onto Si?

I haven't, I'm sure it's not something he would use but I suppose it wouldn't hurt as another form of support if he chose to.

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