Sayuwontletgo posted 10/14/2020 13:35 PM

3 years ago today my H discovered that I had destroyed our marriage. 3 years today of trying to rebuild.

I remember the moment he confronted me and the following time plays back in slow motion. I remember the screaming and the almost primal wail that I heard him make. I dont think ill ever forget that sound. The fear, the panic all of it probably took 5 min but it will always stay with me. I will always remember the grace he showed me in his worst moments and he asked me to come over and he hugged me. I remember begging him not to leave me. I stayed next to him for as long as he'd let me and he fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion eventually. I want to remember the details because forgetting it feels like I'm not honoring whats come after. Its a reminder that I dont deserve my husband and this second chance.

Year 3 has been different. Its less about searching for new info and getting to ground zero. Its all out there now we just have to decide how to stay connected and grow together. There are less huge revelations but more day to day small wins. I personally feel like I've had some of the best sex of my life in the last year but I think we would both most likely say our sex life overall isn't great. Theres been gigantic topics tackled and still many more to get into.

Struggled more with comparison, its been a long time since this started and I've watched couples or people we started with on different timelines than ours. One or two have reconciled completely while others have gotten divorced. Just proves what everyone here has been saying forever, everyones timeline is different. I think we will be one of the 5-8yr at the very least, that used to terrify me. I understand better now the depth of the wound I created and the amount of time it will take to heal is complicated. It depends on how many times its ripped back open or ignored and left to fester. I wish at 3 yrs I could say I've got it all figured out but there's still so much to learn. Still so much to try to make amends for. I dont believe the work for me will ever stop, finding more and more that that is a good thing.

Part of the process for staying in the work is giving back. I wish I had a better way to give more than I take with SI, this place is amazing. I will always be so thankful for the support and the arguing(lol) I got when I first showed up. May not always feel great in the moment but I needed it, it saved me and our marriage in the beginning. I have found a space to give back through a different affair related recovery site. I mentored with one group of couples and have hopes to get back into training to eventually lead on my own. Reading and teaching back through their course content keeps me working on myself and on my marriage. I still reccomend this place to just about anyone who will listen so SI in some way will always be "home".

If I had any advice for other waywards just starting out I would say go read Hikingout's 3 yr update! In all seriousness she has said it far better than I ever could. Hope you don't mind the referral hko, I want to thank you personally for your support when I first arrived It meant more than I think you know or give yourself credit for.

Today's dday seems to be taking a harder toll on MTB than it did last year. We have plans to start couples counseling soon and I have hope that will help me understand some of the bigger things we still need to tackle. Communication seems to still be a struggle, if we can figure that out I'm sure it will help other areas. No big plans for the evening. Im hoping to cook him one of his favorite dinners and curl up in bed to watch a movie together.

So very long story short- We are doing well, I know our connection to one another and the love we still have is deep. There are many more good days than bad, and there are still areas we struggle in. I am so very grateful that MTB chooses me every day and that he's giving me the chance to choose him too.

MTB I love you, thank you for being a man of integrity, strength and kindness. You are the best example of a father for our kids and I can only hope our daughter holds her future husband to the standard you've modeled and set for her.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/14/2020 16:57 PM

sayuwontletgo,

An inspiring update for sure.

Keep working on yourselves and your M.

My BW and I found that around the 3rd year we were moving past A issues and dealing more with daily life stuff, but in a much more meaningful way than we ever did before. We also had to start really working to keep from falling back into old patterns - we both called each other out several times for 'distancing' or not sharing what is going on.

The other thing we did was we made time for ourselves. We made a point of going out to the local resto and enjoying some wine and apps, or just going out for a good bike ride and hitting some farmers markets and yard sales. Amazing how much talking and connecting we do while out.

You'll find your way if you both keep working at it. That is probably the best new commitment moving forward that you can make - to keep vigilant watch over your relationship and always communicate.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 4:57 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

hikingout posted 10/16/2020 09:17 AM

Good update Sayuwontletmego!

I think even in good cases, 5 years is probably more like a minimum. I don't know, I just know that I am still a work in progress, our marriage is still a work in progress. I have to be very cognizant to keep pushing myself. For me to continue to operate with eyes wide open that means I have to continue to push myself to practice uncomfortable skills. I sometimes wonder if some of these things will ever become comfortable, and if I have provided enough foundation for their construct. Some days I feel like I might be playing jenga because I am more wobbly than I want to be. Not in terms of cheating, I am not concerned I am going to do that. I am not concerned to be perfect anymore either. It's more the delicate balance of finding peace but not becoming complacent, not using the many different avenues there are to numbing and stuffing my feelings. Not over compensating to make up for the shame and instead honoring my journey. My happiness before took a lot of ignoring. Learning to be happy while present is more solid ground, but harder to achieve sometimes.

I think the difference is what you are describing...you come to terms with what you did as irrevocable, and truly traumatizing. There is a lot of humility and patience that springs forth through that. So, while I agree it's probably 5 years minimum or longer, it's not the unbearable rollercoaster that it was in the beginning.

Struggled more with comparison

I can understand that. But at the same time you have to realize we are anonymous here. We all go through periods of blindness and denial. We all have high points and low points. Noone gets through this without a whole lot of blood and guts on the floor. I think it's just when we are low and we see someone else doing well it's just a moment in time. At another moment in time you might be having the best sex ever like you are saying but that's when maybe one of us is getting a reality check.

Anyway, I am glad to hear from you and I hope the two of you continue to heal and grow. We are ultimately on the same timeline pretty much, and I can say that I feel similarly and experience much of what you describe here.

Sayuwontletgo posted 10/18/2020 17:07 PM

Thank you Mr Clean Slate, and Hiking out! You guys both brought up good points to think about and I always enjoy hearing what other couples are doing to try to get closer. We made it through Dday okay and had a pretty good week after that. Feels like a hopeful start to our next year❤