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The drama keeps unfolding

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/25/2020 23:57 PM

Hello everyone,

So it's been a couple weeks, I've been doing nothing but self reflection. I've enjoying following the forums for different perspectives its made a world of difference for me. Since my last post I've confessed to my affair and have been dealing with the aftermath, reading lots, started seeing counsellor, etc.

I'm posting now because when I thought things couldn't get any worse than I've already made them my BS provided a revelation tonight that floored me.

Rewind 11 years, 8 years prior to the beginning of my infedelity, my BS and I fell unexpectedly pregnant and for medical reasons ended up having to abort. After it happened I was devestated-depressed, suicidal, just ruined. During this time I needed him more than anything; however, he had a friendship with another girl who I knew was trying to sabotage our relationship. One night I saw he was very late getting home, and I saw him and her in a car parked across the street. I thought the best of him, as her mother was terminally ill with cancer so I tried to convince myself that they were just talking. He came home and I confronted him about it, and he told me they fooled around and I point blank asked him if they slept together and he said no. My instincts told me not to trust him, but I did anyways.

Fast forward to tonight, we scheduled time to talk to each other about how we've been feeling, etc. And when we've finished talking he stops me and asks if we ever clarified what happened between them. To which I said you told me you fooled around. He then confessed that he had slept with her that night.

I'm furious about this. We had many arguments over the years regarding her, and he gaslighted me for a long time that it was nothing, it was all in my head, that they were just friends. I'm so disappointed in myself for believing him, and allowing him to lie to me for so long. Considering everything else we were going through then, if I had've known I would have ended it then.

He has made excuses that he was really drunk so he didn't know at first if he did or not, thinking he realized about a month later that he actually did. He claims he thought I knew. That would not be something I ever forgot.

I know I'm no better for what I did since mine was a lasting affair. I was on board for reconciling, but I don't know if I want to anymore knowing that he lied, and was ok with lying until, what I perceive to be, he got a chance to confess where he wouldn't as bad because what I did was worse.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this out and would love outside perspectives.

[This message edited by Historicalcosts7 at 12:04 AM, September 26th (Saturday)]

Lucky77 posted 9/26/2020 09:06 AM

When I get to this place......

when I thought things couldn't get any worse
I try and switch my mindset over to thankfulness and gratitude.

Is there something you are grateful for?

I find volunteering is helpful. I also have a list of our cultural greats that I follow that have passed away prematurely and I think.....I'm Alive! The sun is shining. My children love me. I have my health. There are so many others that have come before me that are not able to enjoy today like I'm able to right now!

JBWD posted 9/26/2020 15:23 PM

HC7-
Iím sorry that things continue to compound. I am proud of you for disclosing, and beginning a long journey to honesty. Little comfort in the midst of such turmoil, I know, but know thatís a piece of good news.

Re: learning of your BHís infidelity and wrestling with the thought that itís potentially a dealbreaker for you, I think the only thing to do for now is understand that you are not him, and your response is your own. The road ahead is a long one, and I would propose that you give yourSELF plenty of discovery time before holding yourself to any decisions. Itís the same for any BS, and we as cheaters have a LOT more digging to do to understand who we are if we want to live with integrity.

All to say we do ourselves a great disservice in comparing- The person to become is HC7, not HC7 as compared to her BH/WH...

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/27/2020 09:53 AM

Is there something you are grateful for?

I am grateful for my family and my health. I am grateful that in the current situation I have a good job, and am able to presently keep a roof over my head. I just keep taking it a day at a time and have to keep reminding myself that I need to take care of me and my happiness because no one else is responsible for that but me.

I would propose that you give yourSELF plenty of discovery time before holding yourself to any decisions. Itís the same for any BS, and we as cheaters have a LOT more digging to do to understand who we are if we want to live with integrity.

This is exactly it. I was prepare for the hard road for my indiscretions. It doesn't forgive what I did, but what keeps coming up in my mind is would I have stayed if I had known. And back then I don't think I would have. Now what's on my mind is it was so long ago and you're here now, but i also wonder did I get passed it, and were things bad because he was hiding it from me and on some level I knew. He says he thought he told me, but that would not have been something I would have forgotten. All very big questions that I'll be discussing with my IC tomorrow.

oldtruck posted 9/27/2020 10:01 AM

H7, I understand you being angry with your BH/WH trickle
truthing.

I have to ask how did your BH/WH discover your PA?

Did you answer every one of your BH/WH questions right
away or did you also trickle truth him?

I think you were the WS first, though that does not justify your BH/WH from having a PA/RA.

At this point neither one of you is justified as the pot calling
the kettle black.

Recovery is a slow process that takes 2 to 5 years to
accomplish. You both need IC to learn other ways to cope
with problems rather yielding to the temptation to have a PA.

You will get there though it is a one step at a time process.


As to wondering would you have stayed if you had gotten
the truth. Normal to feel that way now. Though 79% of
marriages survive an affair. So maybe you would have stayed
married.

Does your BH/WH wonder that the child that was terminated
for medical reasons was not his but could have been the OM's
OC?

What if the child you were carrying was healthy would you
have told your BH/WH it could of been the OM's OC?

Would you expect your BH/WH to willingly raise this OC?

I ask these questions because playing the what if game is
pointless for it leaves no winners because it does not leave
any clear answers.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 10:15 AM, September 27th (Sunday)]

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/27/2020 10:57 AM

Oldtruck, you ask very good questions, and I unintentionally made it confusing by not referencing my previous post. I apologize for the confusion. The timing of the infidelities are his was 11 years ago, mine began 2.5 years ago and ended a month ago, not justifying it just clarifying.

Did you answer every one of your BH/WH questions right
away or did you also trickle truth him?

I confessed to him after I ended it. I was/am open to answer any questions and tell him as much or as little as he wants to know/can handle. It's still very recent that I confessed, and he reluctantly speaks to me so I guess you could say there are probably trickle truths on my part, but I am trying to be respectful of what he wants to know.

The child I was carrying was unequivocally his. There is absolutely no doubt as I had I had been faithful for the first 13 years of our relationship/marriage.

[This message edited by Historicalcosts7 at 10:59 AM, September 27th (Sunday)]

MIgander posted 9/28/2020 05:49 AM

Hi HC7.

I'm so sorry for the pain you both had to go through with losing your child. Many marriages break down due to the death of a child (whether born yet or not...) and it's a total mind-fuck to get through for both partners.

Perhaps your H had the affair as it was easier for him process her grief than his own?

Also, please don't compare what you did to what he did and put yourself as "worse" than him. Both affairs are deep betrayals. He emotionally betrayed you for far longer than he physically betrayed you by attaching himself emotionally to his OW. The consummation of it was just the icing on the cake at that point. At that time, he should have been emotionally attaching himself to you and you both leaning on each other to process your shared grief over the new life lost and gone so soon. It's devastating and hard and understandable how weak he could have been at that point, however, like any wayward, he courted the affair, pursued it and completed it. Then proceeded to gas light you over it for the following decade.

Someone else here said that a MH situation is like eating 2 shit sandwiches- a bite of his and a bite of yours at a time.

Good luck, keep being honest with yourself and with him about your own affair, keep owning your own choices.

Hopefully your H can catch up and start owning his.

Also, have you both read "NOT Just Friends"????? This was the reading my BH did to see that his own attachment to my close friend was on the bus to becoming full EA (he didn't think it had arrived at the depot yet?? Another topic for another day...). REALLY helpful book.

foreverlabeled posted 9/28/2020 07:41 AM

I completely understand why you would be so angry. And there is nothing wrong with you being upset about 11 years of gaslighting. That is a total mind fuck. And the conflicting feelings you may have are completely normal. I found myself struggling with being a hypocrite.

There are no rules stating that because you had an affair you have to forgive his. In my situation I thought that if my ex was willing to try that I would too. Not that it was a deal breaker for me, but I suppose if it is then it is. It's well within your right to not want R.

I do think it's very telling that he chose to confess the real truth from that night. Its a good step in the right direction, if you ask me, looking from the outside in of course. And if he's showing remorse and doing his part to become a safe partner, maybe it wasn't a chance as you said to confess at an opportune time. Maybe he did see it as opening but for other reasons. Maybe ask him?

Communication is crucial, no sense in assuming or guessing why.

In JFO its often advised to not make any rash decisions. Take some time process and to sit back and watch their actions. I'm sorry for your pain.

And I know how maddening the gaslighting is. Right now I think that should be part of y'alls immediate focus. I know in my case I needed to talk about that more than anything else. It was infuriating to say the least. I thought at one point I'd absolutely snap. Now, that was me in the moment knowing damn well I was trying to be gaslite. But I imagine it is just as maddening for you finding out 11 years later. It might be an old betrayal to him but for you, you literally jfo. Its like it happened the day he confessed.

Just take some time, dday's suck. And y'all both just had one, this is going to be a challenging time. Its going to be messy and painful all around.

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