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holding myself accountable

Rose2206 posted 9/20/2020 18:13 PM

Dear SI community,

Last night, I failed to keep NC with my BS. I went to see him. Twice. I heard he was sick and everything in me was craving to be near him. To take care of him. And it was the most selfish thing to give in to that craving. My heart was bleeding, and instead of healing it myself and coping successfully by myself, I reached out to him.

I posted on here yesterday after I went the first time and some of you may have seen that post. Shame took overÖ it was really bad. It was like I could feel his pain in my chest. I was hurting because I knew from the earlier meeting how much he was hurting.. No way to communicate, no way to heal. I felt empty and dead inside. It was too much for me. (shame def. Took completely over. The self hate and all that were there).

I then had the ultimate fail. I am ashamed and mad at myself for this: I went to the one person that I told myself would be able to help me out of the shame loop after failing to do it myself. It was so very selfish out of total desperation and pain. Unintentionally, I portrait myself as the victim in doing this. By reaching out. Disrespecting BS wish.

I do not want pity and I do not see myself as a victim. I caused this. My BS is in so much pain and I do feel helpless that I canít do anything about that.

He needs time alone. Time to heal himself. He needs NC from me.
-Before he reached back out to me this previous weekend, I was ok with NC. I managed somehow and really poured my all into healing and working on myself. I do not know what happened this week since he then wanted NC again. It is like it was an overload of emotions yesterday and shame got me big time.

However, I do not want to fall back into shame ever again like I did last night. This morning I promised BS that I will not break it again. I will continue my progress, my work. Will keep my promise. I am determined to become stronger so this will not happen again.
It did not come from a bad place within me. However, I do not want to pressure him or disrespect him. I really donít. Thereís been so much progress within me and BS did say that he has seen that. But regardless, this was a major fail that I am very angry and ashamed of.

I put myself above him last night. My feelings above his wish of NC. No matter why. I did. And that can NOT happen again.

If you're a WS and read this, please take it as example to not make that same selfish decision I did last night. And for that matter even this morning as BS and I talked one last time. I urge you all to stay strong. Don't let shame take over. It is destructive to not just you, but also to BS. The selfishness out of my desperation showed him that respecting NC was not more important to me than my own pain. No matter how bad it gets. BS wish is #1 priority. Always. And it should be my instinct to honor that. Not just 99% of the time, But 150% of the time. That is it.

I am posting on here now as a reminder to myself and to hold myself accountable going forward. Also, any advice going forward is welcome.


[This message edited by Rose2206 at 6:23 PM, September 20th (Sunday)]

oldtruck posted 9/20/2020 20:54 PM

rose, recovery is an un controllable roller coaster ride of
emotions.

BH asked for NC, he breaks NC, wants NC again. wash rinse
repeat. again. impossible to recover when NC is in place. BH
breaking NC is him testing the waters. He gets his toe wet then
he pulls his foot back.

This is his fear overriding his desires. If you are strong enough
to handle him breaking NC then let him do so. He needs to
test the waters.

Lostallalone posted 9/20/2020 23:18 PM

I'm sorry if I don't follow what you are saying here. I'm A shallow stupid guy I know. But if your husband is sick and you want to take care of him is not selfish at all.
Unless of course you're trying to manipulate him then yes you are selfish. I'm the first to admit I don't understand women.

MrCleanSlate posted 9/21/2020 12:07 PM

Rose,

I don't think you should knock yourself for wanting to be there for your BH. He is reaching out too, and then pulling back. That is not a surprise is it? It shows there is feeling there on both sides (good and bad)

Keep working on yourself.

If anything I would suggest you work on letting go of the outcome.

Your old M is gone and you can't just go back to how things were (that is one hard lesson to learn for me and others). Perhaps you have a shot at making a new one with your BH, but right now nothing is certain.

What will not help is falling back into a cycle of shame and self pity/remorse. Stop and analyze what transpired, consider what your motivations were, what was your BH hoping for through the interactions? Is there a nugget of something you can take from this to move forward in your healing?

Rose2206 posted 9/21/2020 15:23 PM

We are in NC because he wants to heal himself. That is my own fault due to tt in the beginning. And it sounds stupid,but even after the time of the affair, I wish I would have done research in how to confess everything - instead, I used the same sick patterns that lead to my horrible behavior and decision making in the first place. For 1 1/2 month following the affair I told myself it never happened. So, I was essentially completely unprepared for dday if there is such thing as "being prepared". When I started reading books about this topic it dawned on me what I had done. Not only during the time of the affair, but also with/ following dday..

We are 3 months out from dday now, so as I have been reading it is still very fresh.

The first round of NC was horrible for me due to selfishness. The fear of being alone. Abandonment. So many triggers that ironically were my worst nightmares and I caused them myself..My IC has the theory that I self manipulated with having the affair. Matching my "not feeling worth it" by ensuring I'm not worth it.. I keep on exploring that and it seems like hitting the nail on the head..

Even tho I reached out due to the overwhelming feeling of "loving, wanting to heal and be there for him"- knowing he is battling depression and now is sick on top of everything else (it made me feel absolutely helpless knowing that he is feeling like that and being unable to be there for him)

It was selfish because I followed my need. I was hurting because I could not be there with him.

-No matter the why, (He is living with his mom so I knew he was not alone and okay). But feeling the need to be there was tearing me apart and that was more important to me than respecting the NC.

That's why it was selfish of me. Shame had taken over and that was that..

I am not mad at myself that I care so much. But I am mad that caring and the shame took over and I then put that above his wish of NC.

I'm unsure why he broke NC. I don't want to assume. I learned that assuming always makes it about me at the end.. He is doing this bc of me etc etc.

Instead, he wants NC for himself. To heal himself. And it is my decision to give him that. To wait for as long as it takes. Not knowing the outcome.
The possibility for R is slim according to his words.

I read something the other day that gave me hope.. as long as a BS did not clearly tell a WS to F OFF, there is hope. So, I want to fight for this for as long as I possibly can and become a safe partner.

If anything I would suggest you work on letting go of the outcome.

that is certainly something I am working on.. idk that it is truly possible in this stage of not knowing anything

When it comes to NC, I really want to give him what he needs. I think that is why I am so hard on myself. Also upset with myself that I had so many fails within a few days.. while before I was okay. I had small fail moments here and there but nothing like this...

It is a roller coaster and now I find myself in the thinking that I hope he will not reach out again until he knows more of he would like to work on us and give the gift of R or not.
Is that unreasonable of me to think that way?
We're 3 months out and the back and forth I can handle if it is within an overall okay umbrella. Like people describe up and downs within R and I do think I can handle that.
It is the absolute extremes of NC then talking, then NC for weeks that seemed to throw me off like crazy this time as I was prepared to keep NC for months (as he indicated it would be months)..

MrCleanSlate posted 9/21/2020 16:14 PM

Rose,

You sound like you are flailing for an answer and trying to make something happen to meet what you think your BS needs/wants.

Stop and take a few deep breaths. Figure out yoga, or zen, or mindfullness, or eat a Snickers bar. Relax.

You need to work on yourself and do not pin what you are doing on whether it will help BS get back together with you. That will not happen unless you first fix yourself.

When I read the first post on this thread I originally thought you were talking about contacting AP - it was just the way you wrote it that gave me pause.

So lets take a step to the side and see where you are at. How are you doing? I mean overall, are you sleeping, eating, having a shower?

Rose2206 posted 9/21/2020 17:12 PM

Honestly, I miss my BS more than I could ever express with words. In the beginning it seemed like it was the "being alone" that was scary.
But truthfully, I can be surrounded by people and the only thing my mind wonders off to is my BS. Not the memory of him. Not out of guilt or habit. My mind wonders off to him in ways that I can't explain. I envision how R could look like (I know it is wishful thinking at this time), there is some fear too. But I think of what I'd be doing differently within that process. The tools I've been learning I want to apply.. then reality kicks in, and I see that that may never happen.
After all, it is all about BS and his decision at this time. All I can do is work on myself to keep that chance alive.

I am certainly very sad most of all the time. Sometimes I feel like I am just existing at the moment.

Stop and take a few deep breaths. Figure out yoga, or zen, or mindfullness, or eat a Snickers bar. Relax.

- I actually just scheduled a Yoga class for tomorrow!

(No I don't ever want to have any sort of contact with AP again!!)

English is not my first language, so sorry about the confusion!

MrCleanSlate posted 9/22/2020 08:43 AM

Rose,

You mentioned English is not your first language. Out of curiosity where about in the world are you? Or from which culture?

The reason I ask is I know that certain cultures have different views on things.

Is this also a loss of face issue for your BH? Is it a matter of honour being taken from his family?
Or a religious issue?

If you prefer not to respond here that is OK.

Rose2206 posted 9/22/2020 09:10 AM

BS (american) and I live in the US,

I am originally from germany. So nothing culture related. I'd say if there is anything culture wise is that we don't have much of a filter when it comes to conversation topics in germany..

That is the only thing that would come to mind in regards to differences regarding this topic.

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 9:15 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

Pippin posted 9/22/2020 09:26 AM

Rose, one of the problems with catastrophizing is that if this is a horrible, terrible, stupendously awful thing to do in your mind, and you tell yourself that, then you are closer to *actually* doing a horrible, terrible, stupendously awful thing because in your mind, you have already done something close to that. You are mis-calibrated because it is emotional, painful, and you feel filled with shame. You might be better off suspending judgment and (I hesitate to say this) coming to SI to see if people think it's as awful as you think it is. In my book? This one is not terrible. As OldTruck says, what he wants changes from time to time. Mostly he wants NC but every now and then he wants to check it out to see what's going on for you. That is fine. You don't have to hold him to his own (previous) words. Abide by his current words. And if you break NC, remind yourself that it's painful to him, don't do it again, and move on. Don't catastrophize.

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