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Still in limbo

Chaisloth posted 9/9/2020 11:05 AM

I found out in May that my boyfriend of 5 years had cheated on me 2 years previously, during the time we were just moving in together. I had suspicions of something having occured, when this May I accidentally found proof that they had been having sex, when he let me borrow an old phone. Unfortunetly I only had evidence of around 10 text messages that had been saved on the phone, not the sim. The AP told me that my boyfriend had said he had left me, and when she found out the truth she ended it. My boyfriend said he lied to her to stop her from telling me.

When I confronted, he point blank denied it even with proof in his face, then he finally admitted and Ive only managed to squeeze out minimal details of how long it went on for etc. There are also another two shady instances on his bank statement of cinema trips and cocktail bar trips where he had messaged me he was at home at the time. His privacy on his phone and laptop are still CIA level of security. He simply says it wot happrn again and that we need to focus on the future. I would of left straight away but we are in a rental contract and I felt pity that he slept on his workshop floor for 2 nights.

I moved 200 miles away from family to live with him and I have the financial means to move back, as a nurse I can work anywhere. Since we have lived together he has spent most nights with me at home, I think the cheating only happened before we moved in. But if it happens again, I wont forgive myself for staying. My future with him would be a gamble and I know I would not want to marry, have kids or buy a house with him.

What is keeping me here? I have a history of giving up on things and burning bridges. I am scared to do that again. I have never had much self-worth or knowing how to set boundaries. I never wanted to be the "crazy girlfriend" so perhaps I should of been more nosy with his whereabouts.

I have been in limbo for 3 months and it is driving me insane! I am struggling to make those first moves of handing in my notice at work and leaving.

tushnurse posted 9/9/2020 12:29 PM

Why don't you land a new job first.

You know he is lying and his lack of transparency means he has not done the work of fixing his shit, and making himself a safe partner.

Chaos posted 9/9/2020 14:11 PM

If you see no future, why prolong the inevitable.

Obtain a new job and move out. Or, if you have the financial means, move out and obtain a new job.

As for him - I feel no pity. He created the circumstances so he has no victim card to play.

Either buy out your share of the lease [through the office - not him directly] or leave and let him take you to small claims.

None of this is in any way on you.

CoderMom posted 9/30/2020 20:53 PM

Have you thought about counseling? Maybe it might help to talk to an uninvolved 3rd party? I wish I was able to afford it when my first husband was messing around. I could have used it to help me get my confidence. You never know how it might help.

The1stWife posted 9/30/2020 21:08 PM

The biggest red flag is when a cheater says ďI wonít do it again, itís in the past and letís focus on the futureĒ. That is Rugsweeping101.

Do not allow that to happen. This must be dealt with in order for you to heal. He has to answer questions and discuss it and show remorse and make sure he is transparent. Especially with his phone and devices.

thatbpguy posted 9/30/2020 21:09 PM

But if it happens again, I wont forgive myself for staying. My future with him would be a gamble and I know I would not want to marry, have kids or buy a house with him.

I would think he's years away from this. Staying in a miserable, uncertain and unsafe relationship is worthless. I know it hurts and you have to start all over, but isn't that better than what you have now?

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