Hi Rose, I know how hard it was for you to look at your whys without anger at yourself and to write them out. This is a great first step! I hope you feel good about it. When something is that hard it is good to take a moment to feel peaceful and good about yourself before going to the next step, which is going to be hard.
What I am getting from what you wrote is that you both desperately want intimacy and you are desperately afraid of it. You want to be in the group but not really known. You knew immediately that you wanted to be with your husband but fear began to take hold of you as you became closer with him. You even have trouble with intimacy with yourself - that's why it was so hard for you to look at your whys and write them down. I don't know exactly what you fear but it probably has something to do with fear that when you are known for who you are, it will not be enough, you will be insignificant and unimportant, uninteresting and someone who doesn't matter. That would be terrifying for most people. I doubt you let your husband see the real you, all of you, and you probably blame-shifted because you expected your husband to know and understand you without really opening up to him, and felt that he was choosing not to because he didn't care and you weren't important to you. And you probably didn't know yourself and your vulnerabilities well enough to understand when they were playing out in your everyday life and your relationship with him. It left a huge opening for an AP to come in and tell you that indeed you are all of those things you fear you are not, and the secrecy and hidden nature of an affair is a convenient explanation for all those times the AP didn't show interest or make you feel important or whatever.
Rose, what you fear is NOT TRUE! You matter! You are interesting and wonderful and important! I like you and I only know you from squiggles on a screen! I love your energy and enthusiasm and zeal and zest. I love your willingness to cut out people from your life! (though as I said you need to revisit that at some point but it can wait). I love your willingness to search out help! I even love that you choose a beautiful username that does not let your worst actions dictate who you are. (I did the same thing, unconsciously, though mine was the name of a tiny and troubled hero rather than something beautiful). There is so much to love about you! This is what is meant by self love - seeing those things and holding them close and knowing that they mean you are worthwhile and wonderful.
Next steps - as I put together my whys/hows it was such a big puzzle. There were so many pieces that fit together. Why lying and hiding felt like second nature. Why I assumed that my husband despised me and why I was afraid to ask if it was true. Why sex was the easy go-to instead of some other thing. Once you start to get into your whys you'll find there are layers and pieces and it's important to keep looking and have an open and curious and nonjudgmental mind. I wonder about you - why an older man in an authority position? Why sex? Why was it easy to hide this from your husband? What finally made it all stop? You will come up with more questions to and paths to follow. Try not to sit in anger at yourself or shame, it won't help.
And going forward - this is VERY important - what will you do when you feel the pull to hold back intimacy from someone who has shown they are trustworthy? How will you know when you are hanging out on the fringes of a group wasting your time with false and shallow interactions instead of living really connected to yourself and other people? THIS is what will help your BS or future partner. Knowing that you are aware of your vulnerabilities, and that you know what you need and can ask for it from him, and have self-care tools to soothe yourself when you are feeling on edge, and have the tools to make other choices and then to actually MAKE those other choices.
Here's an example - skip this if you don't want to hear about my stuff - we have had trouble with an annoying fire alarm all summer and my husband has spent endless hours with dishonest and incompetent electricians trying to fix it. (it is especially a huge hassle when it has gone off in the middle of the night). Yesterday I left my lunch in the oven to heat up and put it on high so it would be quick (you know where this is going . . . ) I took my lunch out and a couple of minutes later the fire alarm went off. I did not see any smoke and I smelled a little bit of something smoky but in my mind I was immediately making it not my fault. After my husband scrambled to turn it off, he came over to the kitchen to see what had happened. I was tempted to lie, diminish, minimize, etc. and even started by saying that stupid alarm has a hair trigger response. He said "well that's quite a coincidence" - he's very gentle with me. He asked if my lunch set it off and I said "do you want the defensive answer or the answer that is probably true?" and he said he just wanted to know if he needed to call the electrician again. So I said "it was my lunch" and then asked for reassurance that he didn't hate me and then asked for MORE reassurance that he didn't hate me (physical, not words, words don't help me AT ALL in situations like that. Basically, a bit of foreplay is what i need to know he doesn't hate me!) So in that silly little everyday interaction he can see - I am aware of my temptations, I know where they come from, I know how to settle myself, I know how to ask for the help I need when I am troubled and I know what kind of help is helpful to me (the kind he offers is sometimes not what I need so I remind him of that and he's grateful for the reminder - I don't blame or get angry that he doesn't remember). Most important, I make a different choice than the one my emotions and fears are telling me to make! It is extremely reassuring to him. And it also gave me a chance to show that I understand him. My comment about the hair-trigger alarm - after I settled a little bit - I understood that he would take that to mean that he had failed, that he had screwed up keeping our family safe, and he would be battering himself inside. So I quickly told him I knew that was happening and it wasn't true, and we both decided it was a wonderful thing to have such a sensitive alarm to keep our family safe, because fires happen quickly and suddenly. And he said at least he didn't have to do the weekly check on it that he does which was another sweet way of putting my mind at ease.
Rose, I'm very glad you put a stop sign on this post and also that your BS is giving you a bit of time and space to figure yourself out. This might be a bit hard to hear - can you imagine what he would think if he asked you for your "whys" and what you said is that you want to fit in and never felt like you belonged? Can you imagine him weighing that explanation against the hurt he has suffered? It would probably be another hurt instead of something that heals. So, pick yourself up, set your self-anger and self-judgment aside, and keep searching.
[This message edited by Pippin at 9:21 AM, September 6th (Sunday)]
