Hello....could anyone help me?
I really don’t deserve it to be fair. I am so sorry for anyone reading this who may find this upsetting, considering their personal experiences.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years. He is a wonderful man.
We live very separate lives and more as friends, including:
Sleeping separately
Sex limited (it’s been once this year for example)
Social lives separate
Never met each other’s friends and family
We don’t do things together
I know all that sounds a bit odd but our relationship just sort of developed into this and I was happy. He is a lovely life companion and I don’t want to lose this. I love the stability and security he gives me. And I know he loves me and is a fierce protector.
He is such a good man. I can’t believe I am doing this to him. He is amazing. I love him so much.
I thought I was happy with everything until Max came on the scene last October.
I met Max online (not on online dating, I don’t use these sites).
Max is a complex character who has experienced a string of traumas in his life. He is a strong man, handsome, funny, talented. He presents himself as the life and soul of the party, is very well loved - I’m the only person in the world who knows about his complexities.
Last October when I was split up for a short time with my boyfriend, I met up with Max.
Since, I have been managing a strange situation:
Living with my boyfriend (more like a friend) and I want to continue to live with him because the thought of him leaving is heartbreaking. He’s done nothing wrong and is such a good man.
Seeing Max on the side. Meeting every few weeks. Being in constant communication. Supporting his issues. Having sex (mind blowing). My boyfriend thinks I’m just going to see my friend.
I’m in such a desperate place.
Max has started to engage with a woman online. I sensed there was something developing but he always denied it. The other day, Max told me he had privately messaged this person and that they had had some close discussions about their past, problems, issues. Max says there is absolutely nothing romantic going on.
This has led to me having some kinda emotional breakdown at the thought of Max moving on, even though he isn’t with this particular person (all in my head). I’m still working and presenting myself as I usually do, but inside I am crushed.
We fell out over this a few times. I told Max that if she had disclosed private and personal things to him, that there would have had to have been some trust built between them and that I know where this could lead.
Max denies this. Max knows how crushed I am but continues to engage openly with this woman. He knows this will be upsetting to me but doesn’t see anything wrong in engaging with her. Nor can I, really? What right do I have? He’s single after all.
Max is likely fed up with me and my living arrangements and I sense he has started to move on. Now I am aware of this, the desire to run as fast as I can from this situation is immense. I want to leave Max behind, so that I can stop doing this to my boyfriend - and so that he can engage with whoever he likes and so I won’t be crushed by this anxiety anymore and so that I can just go back to my life with my boyfriend.
Every time I try and leave Max over this, he somehow convinces me to come back. And I do. Only for me to go online and see them chatting and me suffering the burning anxiety again and feeling a mad urge to run as fast as I can back to my old life.
I am stuck in a cycle I don’t want to be in. It’s all my fault. I just want to go back to being happy with my boyfriend.
I want to leave Max but I don’t know how. Especially when he is so dependent on me for support. I support him so much with basically everything.
I’ve just tried to leave him again tonight - his response is - NO. There is nothing going on with anyone. Please let’s just carry on as we are.
I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this to my boyfriend and jeopardise what I have with my boyfriend. I don’t want to lose him. Max filled a hole but i’ve now discovered that this was a stupid thing to do and he doesn’t compare to my lovely, stable boyfriend.
My boyfriend deserves better. He is perfect. If he knew, it would crush him. I can’t do that to him. I just can’t.
I wish I could turn the clock back.
What on Earth do I do here? Why do I find it so hard to leave Max? Who will support him when I’m not there?
So many questions - I am close to the edge with all of this.
If anyone is reading this and is considering an affair....please don’t 😢 look at me.
I have suggested to Max tonight that the best thing to do would be to make an adult decision not to be in touch. But he convinces me this would never be possible.
Prayed so hard for strength but I fall down every time.