starstyle132 posted 8/24/2020 16:52 PM

Hello....could anyone help me?

I really don’t deserve it to be fair. I am so sorry for anyone reading this who may find this upsetting, considering their personal experiences.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years. He is a wonderful man.

We live very separate lives and more as friends, including:

Sleeping separately
Sex limited (it’s been once this year for example)
Social lives separate
Never met each other’s friends and family
We don’t do things together

I know all that sounds a bit odd but our relationship just sort of developed into this and I was happy. He is a lovely life companion and I don’t want to lose this. I love the stability and security he gives me. And I know he loves me and is a fierce protector.

He is such a good man. I can’t believe I am doing this to him. He is amazing. I love him so much.

I thought I was happy with everything until Max came on the scene last October.

I met Max online (not on online dating, I don’t use these sites).

Max is a complex character who has experienced a string of traumas in his life. He is a strong man, handsome, funny, talented. He presents himself as the life and soul of the party, is very well loved - I’m the only person in the world who knows about his complexities.

Last October when I was split up for a short time with my boyfriend, I met up with Max.

Since, I have been managing a strange situation:

Living with my boyfriend (more like a friend) and I want to continue to live with him because the thought of him leaving is heartbreaking. He’s done nothing wrong and is such a good man.

Seeing Max on the side. Meeting every few weeks. Being in constant communication. Supporting his issues. Having sex (mind blowing). My boyfriend thinks I’m just going to see my friend.

I’m in such a desperate place.

Max has started to engage with a woman online. I sensed there was something developing but he always denied it. The other day, Max told me he had privately messaged this person and that they had had some close discussions about their past, problems, issues. Max says there is absolutely nothing romantic going on.

This has led to me having some kinda emotional breakdown at the thought of Max moving on, even though he isn’t with this particular person (all in my head). I’m still working and presenting myself as I usually do, but inside I am crushed.

We fell out over this a few times. I told Max that if she had disclosed private and personal things to him, that there would have had to have been some trust built between them and that I know where this could lead.

Max denies this. Max knows how crushed I am but continues to engage openly with this woman. He knows this will be upsetting to me but doesn’t see anything wrong in engaging with her. Nor can I, really? What right do I have? He’s single after all.

Max is likely fed up with me and my living arrangements and I sense he has started to move on. Now I am aware of this, the desire to run as fast as I can from this situation is immense. I want to leave Max behind, so that I can stop doing this to my boyfriend - and so that he can engage with whoever he likes and so I won’t be crushed by this anxiety anymore and so that I can just go back to my life with my boyfriend.

Every time I try and leave Max over this, he somehow convinces me to come back. And I do. Only for me to go online and see them chatting and me suffering the burning anxiety again and feeling a mad urge to run as fast as I can back to my old life.

I am stuck in a cycle I don’t want to be in. It’s all my fault. I just want to go back to being happy with my boyfriend.

I want to leave Max but I don’t know how. Especially when he is so dependent on me for support. I support him so much with basically everything.

I’ve just tried to leave him again tonight - his response is - NO. There is nothing going on with anyone. Please let’s just carry on as we are.

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this to my boyfriend and jeopardise what I have with my boyfriend. I don’t want to lose him. Max filled a hole but i’ve now discovered that this was a stupid thing to do and he doesn’t compare to my lovely, stable boyfriend.

My boyfriend deserves better. He is perfect. If he knew, it would crush him. I can’t do that to him. I just can’t.

I wish I could turn the clock back.

What on Earth do I do here? Why do I find it so hard to leave Max? Who will support him when I’m not there?

So many questions - I am close to the edge with all of this.

If anyone is reading this and is considering an affair....please don’t 😢 look at me.

I have suggested to Max tonight that the best thing to do would be to make an adult decision not to be in touch. But he convinces me this would never be possible.

Prayed so hard for strength but I fall down every time.

JBWD posted 8/24/2020 19:59 PM

...I have been managing a strange situation...

Nothing strange about it- You’re using both of them. Read how you describe your partner- You love him because he gives. He likely shouldn’t love you by that calculus because you’re consistently taking- I always describe us as “takers” primarily.

So if “feeling bad” were enough, you’d have stopped already. So you need to go beyond “feeling bad“ and recognize that you are doing wrong. A good way to get to this point is to immediately tell your boyfriend after kicking “Max” out of your life.

I imagine this will cost you your boyfriend, and that’s a reasonable response from him. You keeping him in the dark is based on knowing that what you’re doing is wrong, and there’s no amount of “confusion” that can explain that away.

You have issues that let you use people like this- Every cheater on here does. And you’re likely to have to lose the boyfriend- The one who “means so much” to you that you could lie to him and betray him- I’m not saying that sarcastically to embarrass, I’m illustrating how unbelievable that should sound to you.

I’m sorry you’re here- You’re starting right by getting the cancer out of your life. Do right by your boyfriend as soon as you can after, and give him the truth he’s owed.

Jorge posted 8/24/2020 20:54 PM

Their are a lot of Max's in the world. If it's not him, another one will come along. They'll take what you give and will ask for more because they know you struggle with not giving. Many men can spot a woman who has emotional, physical and affectionate deficiencies in their lives and will fulfill them to remain in control and influence.

If Max was worthy of your love, he'd respect the fact you have a boyfriend. Would your boyfriend do the things that Max is doing, or is his integrity above attempting to steal another man's girlfriend. Seems as if you're happy with your boyfriend and if so, you'd be foolish to risk losing him.

Max is sexual, handsome and dependent. It's your will to resist him that needs to be stronger than your need to engage him. You'll have to figure out how to do it, do it and then stick to it. If not, you'll be in an exciting relationship with Max, but your life will be much different than it is with your boyfriend. You'll have to decide and act on your convictions.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/24/2020 23:43 PM

He presents himself as the life and soul of the party, is very well loved - I’m the only person in the world who knows about his complexities.

I'm sorry, hon, but that is such a typical wayward fantasy. "I'm the only person who has this connection with him, he needs me, how can I extract myself..." All so, so typical.

You have to be honest with your BF. My biggest regret is lying, and I did it for a long, long time. I had justifications like yours, but all they really amounted to was "I don't want to face the consequences of my actions" and "I'm too deep in this validation fantasy to want to let go of it" and "I'd rather deceive my partner into staying with me than respect him enough to come clean so he can make his own choices." That's keeping him in slavery, starstyle. Max knows the score, and you say you can't complain because he's single. But BF doesn't know the score. Does he deserve less honesty than Max?

It's not really clear to me that your relationship with BF is healthy enough to save, either. If it was so distant and uncommunicative before you cheated, why are you so attached? Are you really just afraid of change, or of being alone? Because until you're happy with yourself, any rebuilding of the relationship will be on a foundation of sand.

The final thing you need to realize is that Max is manipulative, Max is dishonest, and Max is playing you. He's found the formula to keep you coming back while having the freedom to see other people. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you at all, but it's not a healthy way to care, any more than the way you're treating BF is healthy. Not for him, not for either of them really, and not for you.

This is all going to be hard to absorb, and you will probably think I'm wrong about the players involved, especially Max. Please spend some time reading here, and you'll see. So many of us have lived it. We can help, but first, you have to open your eyes.

hikingout posted 8/25/2020 09:31 AM

You are young and unmarried, and unlikely to follow the advice that I think will help you the most: Cut your ties to both of them and get into IC. You have some work to do on yourself in order to be whole and to find a good relationship in the future.

This:

Sleeping separately
Sex limited (it’s been once this year for example)
Social lives separate
Never met each other’s friends and family
We don’t do things together

Is not a relationship. This is not wanting to be alone. Explore that in IC.

This other person is chaos for you, and if that is a comfort zone (it is for me - growing up chaos was the norm so I crave it when things get quiet, making myself my worst enemy) Figure that out also in IC.

You have not met your person yet. Clear a path by getting more independent, finding things that light you up that aren't other people, and really get to know yourself. This will pay off in spades if you listen. I think you may not be in a good space to do that.

So, if nothing else, please seek IC and maybe that will get you to the starting point.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:32 AM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

starstyle132 posted 8/25/2020 16:00 PM

Hi everyone
Thank you so much for helping me.
The messages were really difficult to read. But I read them over and over again.
I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. But I do want this affair to stop now. ...I accept everything that has been said to me. I want to thank you for taking the time out to give me some home truths. I’m sorry if I caused any anger and upset in anyone, that wasn’t my intention.

Spoke to Max this morning. Basically broke down and told him this was making me ill. Both did a lot of crying and have agreed to go no contact.

I have stuck to it (he hasn’t...limited communication but I still got the “come over Sunday, this is stupid! Let’s talk this out!”)

I blocked his number and didn’t reply. I’ve blocked him everywhere I can think of.

The anxiety is immense. It feels like a burning fire in my tummy. The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel anxious. I’ve read up that this is classic withdrawal and I have no choice but to ride this out.
Booked in for counselling today (my work offer it).

If anyone has any advice as to how to make the journey to recovery easier that would be appreciated. I feel lost. I’m just winging my recovery. I don’t know what I’m doing here.
Please could anyone refrain from telling me it’s all about my boyfriend and I am selfish to ask for help for myself. I am here to get help for myself, I know what I have done.
I know what I’ve done is wrong.
I made a terrible mistake and I want to get out of this.
Wish I could turn the clock back.
thank you x

MrCleanSlate posted 8/26/2020 07:16 AM

starstyle,

Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. You made the first steps by telling your BF and also going NC.

Now you need to focus on yourself a bit. Get off social media and take some time to go for walks, take a bath, whatever - as long as it slows down the pace. Look up Mindfulness and try to apply some of its principals while walking, eating, etc. It helps clear the mind.

When you go to your IC remember that you only get out what you put in. Be honest with your IC. Be honest with yourself.