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She is still seeing her AP, when I still trying to make it work.

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Badshot posted 8/23/2020 03:09 AM

It is utterly IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile with an unrepentant wife who is actively cheating. It has never been done.

Until your wife stops seeing the other man, apologizes to you and your whole family, and gives you a detailed timeline of her betrayal, then your marriage is dead.

Do not give her ultimatums. Put all of her clothes, makeup, and personal items into garbage bags and put her crap in the street. She can go live with family or her boyfriend, but not the husband and family she is actively betraying.

She needs to stop lying and cheating before any discussion of her coming home can even begin.

Remember, she can do everything right from now on and you can still choose to divorce her. Personal growth on her part does not obligate you to take her back.

Personally, I would file for divorce on Monday and tell your wife she has until the divorce is final to convince YOU she is worthy of having YOU as her husband. She has already proven she is unworthy of being your wife.

Sceadugenga posted 8/23/2020 03:26 AM

She can go live with family or her boyfriend, but not the husband and family she is actively betraying.
She needs to stop lying and cheating before any discussion of her coming home can even begin.

If she moves in with her AP, I wonder if it's possible at all. I'd like fWWs to chime in and correct me if I'm mistaken, but I remember reading somewhere that when a woman leaves her BH/P for an AP, then it's done for good. They never come back, unless their AP dumps them (in which case BH/P is in effect their Plan B) or they were a trainwreck to begin with. Apparently, it has something to do with the way women process emotions. My limited experience indicates that it's always WHs who leave for the AP, dump them or get dumped themselves and then attempt to R.

Anna123 posted 8/23/2020 04:37 AM

She has a 2 and 5 year old and spends the night at her boyfriends while you are at home with them.

Just think about that. A mother who is out f@@ing instead of putting her young children to bed at night. I know you are bonded to her but she is a horrible person who not only doesn't want to be married to you but leaves her children at night. THAT IS WEIRD and troubling behavior (to put it mildly) for women just so you know. Her soul is off somewhere else right now.

If she does decide to stay with you after this, I don't think you want her. She will be looking for round two in no time. Eventually the children will be old enough to be damaged by her taking off like that and are probably very confused now as it is.

Take care. Drink lots of water, eat some healthy food etc. Definitely follow all the advice on seeing a lawyer and getting checked for STI's.

The1stWife posted 8/23/2020 06:32 AM

I suggest you stop 🛑 listening to her words and what she is saying.

Start putting your focus on her actions and what she is doing.

Sheís not coming home at night? Her actions show you sheís not 100% interested in repairing the damage to your marriage.

subverted posted 8/23/2020 09:13 AM

Please follow the advice of these people!! I wish i did 4 months ago.

I am lightyears away from being able to help you, as i am in the middle of D myself. But i can tell you that i know how you feel. You are going to have to bite the bullet, and serve her. She will get it. She will understand.

As soon as my WW found out a had a lawyer. She was a wreck. Only makes me look better in court.

If you really want to save this M, D is the only way to do so. Fight fire with fire. These people know what they are talking about. You are actually in a good position to improve your life right now as crazy as that may sound.

Hang in there. Read up on thr marriage 180 and proceed. File for D.

[This message edited by subverted at 9:15 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

baller20 posted 8/23/2020 09:52 AM

Do not give her ultimatums. Put all of her clothes, makeup, and personal items into garbage bags and put her crap in the street. She can go live with family or her boyfriend, but not the husband and family she is actively betraying.

She needs to stop lying and cheating before any discussion of her coming home can even begin.

This. I agree with Badshot. She is abusing you so you should protect yourself and fight back. You need to find ways to retaliate, cause discomfort, provoke, take away resources and predictability from her.
Install a secure door/replace lock when she's away to see him. Stop communicating with her.

Idiotmcstupid posted 8/23/2020 10:01 AM

These guys are telling you truth man.
Get her out of the house. Retain a lawyer. Start the divorce process. That is the only way to salvage what you have left. Do it for your girls and for yourself.

Thumos posted 8/23/2020 10:02 AM

You need to talk to an attorney about your options and file. An attorney will advise on things like packing her stuff or changing the locks, which might hurt you in the divorce process. Filing and having her served is the most important thing. expose the affair to everyone in her family and yours, file for D. Get tested for STDís. Start carrying a VAR in your pocket to protect you from a false domestic violence charge.

Butforthegrace posted 8/23/2020 10:34 AM

Am I being so naive to even want to try?

Yes, you are being naive, and unrealistic. Stop trying.

The1stWife posted 8/23/2020 12:00 PM

Iím sorry to say that if only one person is trying in the marriage and the cheater is still cheating or not interested in the marriage, then there is very little chance for success.

My H had us in false reconciliation for months. He never put forth any effort during those months except once or twice. Why? He was still cheating. The OW was still around.

Dday2 when I told him I had no choice but to D him - thatís when he finally woke up and started putting our marriage first. Not b/c I said I was D him. But b/c he had decided earlier in the day to end the affair. And he had. But he thought I would Not find out.

He completely underestimated me.

redwing6 posted 8/23/2020 14:18 PM

I'm so sorry you're here. THis part is telling,

My W says she will not stop seeing him. She continues to see him twice a week and stays over there. She doesn't even know if she wants the marriage at this point.

If she won't stop seeing him, it's over. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Become a gray rock and give her the hard 180. Stop doing ANYTHING for her. Don't fix her car, cook, do laundry for her nothing.

Here's a link to the 180 here.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

If you have the bedrooms, and own your house, kick her out of the master bedroom. But a deadbolt on it and keep it locked. Go deadpan if ever you have to speak to her, and only speak to her about bills, etc.Tell her she needs to find another place to live until the divorce is final. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. You don't have a chance for R, she's chosen him and if she's staying over there twice a week, then your marriage is dead and gone. Pull the fork out and walk away.

Freeme posted 8/23/2020 15:38 PM

Read what Bigger wrote and use it as your script - if she doesn't jump at saving the marriage (doesn't look promising) then you need to start doing the 180 and detach. The longer you keep trying to nice her back the worse it gets.

If you try to "hang-on" until he moves you basically are saying you fine with being her backup plan. Your fine watching the kids when she visits him, your fine with the way she is treating you... and it will happen again... because... your fine with it. Sure you can say I have made it clear that I'm NOT fine - that I'm hurt - That she is killing me...
Doesn't matter how clear you have been in letting her know that this is unacceptable. You have also let her know that you will wait, that you will take her back after her overnight "dates". ... That you love her... Why would she care how hurt you are? She has two men fighting over her and she's enjoying the stability you provide and the..... OM provide.

Please use Bigger speach and then start moving forward on the divorce process. Most likely she hasn't though this out. OM moving and you two having young kids...

You need to detach.

KingofNothing posted 8/23/2020 18:31 PM

For Godís sake, document her comments. If she is texting you , get her to state in a text her intentions towards her affair and the fact that she is actively committing adultery. That way you have solid proof. Go for full custody and she pays child support. She hardly seems interested at this stage. You have to be practical now. Do what has to be done to protect yourself and your children. You didnít destroy your marriage or your family, she did that. You canít control what she does, but you can control what you do next. Youíre living for yourself and your children now.

pureheartkit posted 8/23/2020 21:16 PM

Bigger is wise and has helped many men in your situation. This happened to so many fathers with young children. Yes, it very tragic. Yes, it's sad for your little ones. Yes, it's tearing you apart inside.

There is a man who had a wife that moved in with the neighbor across the street. He had young kids too. It was going on constantly right in front of him. She was off in her own selfish deluded state trashing her family and marriage. Wouldn't snap out of it. What could he do?

He was a great father and he worked on his health and career. He moved and went on to a better life. He showed resilience and determination. She missed out on a great man for something messed up. But his kids get the reward of a dad who's stronger, happier, in a better place in every way.

You have nothing to lose and everything good to gain by making yourself heard. Stop this or I go on to better things without you. I'm sad for you that you have to hurt like this. There is healing ahead and so much joy with your kids. It's only a short time and you will be on the path to healing and peace. We are all here for you.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 9:19 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

Bigger posted 8/24/2020 03:41 AM

Just a quick comment:
Suggestions about bagging her stuff, throwing her or her stuff out of the house, changing locksÖ
There are all bad ideas IMHO.
Well intended and put forth with the right mentality Ė BUT BAD IDEAS.

The reason being that like it or not they open up the possibility of domestic abuse charges. Throw her out and a phone-call later the cops can be leading you out your own front-door in cuffs, and a judge issuing a restraining order while your wife keeps the home as prime-residence while the divorce is hammered out.
Plus, if this ends in an acrimonious divorce her attorney can use this to show violent behavior or aggressive mentality.

You can ask her to leave. You can tell her that she is free to be with OM 24/7. You can suggest a parenting schedule and arrange that the days sheís with the kids she stays at the family home, or that she getís there in the mornings and can leave for OM when you get back from work.

The main issue isnít that she doesnít know what she wants. The main issues are (a) what do YOU want and (b) what can YOU get.

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