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new here - seeking advise

Rose2206 posted 8/22/2020 00:15 AM

I (F27, WS) always said I WOULD NEVER cheat. I was one of the good ones. I was betrayed before. English is not my first language so I do apologize in advance for typos etc.

I grew up with cheating parents.
{I got married at a you age and moved across the world for my previous marriage. After the divorce (due to my ex husbands emotional abuse towards me and his drug addiction) I told myself I would never love again.} Never trust again.

Until the day I met him (29 BS). Our first date turned into 4 dates in one day. Neither one of us expecting it. We fell in love. After 9 months of dating I moved in with him. (the upstairs of his moms house that was intended to be short term due to career changes). We were so very happy. We even celebrated our first fight!
Time went by and slowly things changed. I felt like I was not enough. Topics came up like the wish to have children. No sex for a long period of time (even tho our sex was the best thing ever).. Many triggers happened that lead me to feel worthless. I failed miserably to communicate with him. I tried. At least that's what I told myself.

After a rotation at work on a different ward I added all the staff on fb for professional references. The surgeon who is much older than me started to contact me. He talked about a mission trip he planned and asked if i would be interested. He complimented me on my work and then also my looks.. My BS saw these messages after and warned me. I told him he had nothing to worry about, that this guy is a player and flirts with every one. And I truly felt that way - nothing to worry about. I was not in danger. Well, I continued txt with him, telling myself that I am not in danger because I would never cheat. My guard was entirely down. Looking back tho, I knew it was wrong bc it made my spouse uncomfortable. Long story short, the AP said all the right things I craved to hear. Acted respectful while in the same moment pushed boundaries. Then backed up and apologized - then pushed some more. I met him for lunch (which was spontaneous and the conversation there was strictly work. Nothing emotional or sexual or anything like that. The communication continued. I shared my relationship problems with him (to get inside from a mans perspective - so freaking stupid) One night after my BS and I had a big fight I contacted the AP. We met at a bar, I had two drinks and we kissed in the parking lot. He asked me to come home with him and I told him no. I left. Cried. Drove home. I did NOT tell my BS. I was terrified of what happened. Some time later I went to the AP's house, In my mind because I knew I'd see him at work. And I needed to "clear the air". I went to his house to make clear that that kiss was a big mistake and that that was it. I gave him the whole speech. He acted understanding. As I walked towards the door he fixated on my body with his eyes. He told me how attractive I was and started to make moves towards me. The backed off and apologized. then came close again. Until I gave in. It turned into a PA. The sex was never long. Never good. I was so passive. But I did perform oral sex upon his request once. Again not long. The entire Affair lasted for 5 months. Txt a ton about literally non important things. talked on the phone. He can't even pronounce my name right.
I ended the affair. I did not tell my BS everything directly. I kept it in for almost 2 months before dday happened. I trickle truthed. I did everything wrong you could possibly do wrong. My BS left. He gave me multiple chances to speak the entire truth and I did not take it fully. Weeks passed and I drowned in self pity due to the NC rule with my BS. He told me there was a 1% chance of reconciliation.
I started to use the time and worked on myself. I went immediately to IC. Read books, worked through things. My BS gave me a list of tasks to do every day. One of which to write a post on a forum every 14 days. Today marked day 15 without a post. How did that slip my mind?! Bottom line. He continued to ask for details. I have told him the truth. and today came detail out that i trickle truthed again. He pointed out to me that he can see the progress I have made but that this new trickle truth about a detail of what AP said during sex has now caused him to go back to below zero on trust towards me.

It is all my fault! Mys BS tried to kill himself after Dday. That is how badly he is hurt. I have posted on other forums and was told to just let him go. That that would be the humane thing to do. I must say that it made some sense to me, I do not feel deserving. I am so guilty and ashamed. But not once did I not want to fight.

But I learned in counseling that I will not give up! I love my BS more that I could ever put into words. I truly believe we could make it through this together. My BS is the most wonderful person. A true dream man come true! I am in limbo with my self. With hate and disgust towards myself and the hope that I can change for good and become a safe partner. Is there any advice any of you could give me?. I am fighting to become deserving of reconciliation.

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 10:59 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 8/22/2020 00:48 AM

Hi, Rose. Welcome to SI.

Your story is all over the map. You were attracted to this guy, you felt guilty, the sex was meh, he was manipulative, but you were still addicted enough to sulk about NC. Don't get me wrong, conflicting emotions are typical, but it doesn't sound like you've made much headway yet in figuring out what drove your actions in such a toxic direction. The authentic "whys" usually aren't obvious, or at least not all of them are. Locating them typically requires a great deal of digging into your background and character flaws, especially if you were in a relationship you believed you valued (I was, too).

What are you learning in IC?

Rose2206 posted 8/22/2020 07:14 AM

Clarification:
I meant NC with my BS. I apologize for the initial post as I wrote it half asleep after talking to my BS for 14 hours straight. As soon as I cut contact with AP I felt freed. Like a weight was lifted. I was a coward and did not tell my BS everything immediately. I have explored the WHY in IC. I used to be co dependent in my past. To this day have co dependent tendencies. Growing up I never worked through trauma. The strategies were cheap forgiveness and distraction. Run away from problems, don't face them head on.

My entire life I've been a care giver. Never took care of myself. I was/am a person with "big broken parts. Up until a few weeks ago I thought I was whole. My WHY is entirely based on my broken parts. The affair was an escape from reality. It did not feel real. I feel so guilty and shameful that I can not see the light right now.
The IC told me that it is clear I felt no self worth. That the attention and the feeling of being wanted and enough the AP gave me, trumped everything else because of my insecurities. There was no love involved. There was no lust for the sex. I became reliant on the contact of communication. There was no deep conversations, nothing that would actually matter. I hate what I did during those months. I hate I started to listen to the AP! Hate that I failed my BS.

I truly love my BS and will do everything in my power to become a safe partner. But how could I live with myself?! knowing what I have done?! Never before or after did I look at other men. I never lied to my BS outside of this affair stuff. What is wrong with me?!
Right now the only thing that keeps me going is that I am hoping to get the chance/ gift of reconciliation. I start a new Job this monday in a different facility. I have absolutely nobody as I've cut contact with every person.
I destroyed our life for an affair that did not mean anything to me other than it fed my addiction. The moment the affair ended I should have come clean completely and I did not. How could I have been so stupid and such a coward?!

My BS is an amazing person. He was not broken before. He loved me with 100%. I was broken without really ever knowing. I thought I had healed myself before our relationship from my past trauma. I never really talked about it. My strategy was to forget it. Well, no reason or trigger is an excuse to having an affair. There is NO excuse.

I want to become a safe partner with all my heart. I'd be appreciative for any advice!

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 11:12 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

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