SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

HurtxInfinity posted 8/10/2020 19:16 PM

5 years ago I met who I thought was the love of my life. I found out he was playing me with another woman. He is now semi-famous and I wont mention his name but finding out...it crushed me. Well fast forward to this year, I told my today boyfriend about how that ruined me. He knew who he was because, again, he is a celebrity now. It took me 5 years to give love another shot as of Feb. In June, my current boyfriend and I were fighting a lot for no reason. He is a paraplegic and has certain medicines he needed and I witnessed his moods swinging up and down, hence, fights...but the fights were growing and I couldn’t understand why. He showed more and more signs of narcissism. I tried to reason with this relationship being a challenge in it of itself due to his physical limited abilities but it was in June where he found the need to sleep with another woman without my knowledge. Fast forward to to August (2 days ago on Saturday) I get DMs to my Instagram account from woman telling me she is in a full relationship with him and that they slept together as recently as Friday. I had gone over to him to comfort him from his cousin being killed on Thursday but I guess she was there earlier. He denies this though. I questioned him on all these DMs I was getting from
her and he said the ever classic: “she is crazy and super lying” Well, all the screenshots she sent me were of things she couldn’t photoshop. I was left Saturday afternoon distraught and baffled with no word from him the rest of the day other than the text, “she is crazy and super lying.” Sunday rolled by and no word from him either. His roommate reached out and tried to cover for him but I saw through him wanting me to understand the way my boyfriend handles emotions (or lack thereof) because his father raised him to look down on a man crying. This was not about him though! Why was I being told to, yet again, understand. The whole relationship was already centered around his physical condition, so it’s OK for him to hurt me? Why do I have to be the one who needs to understand? A few minutes before midnight yesterday, he called me and said he slept with her once in June and denied anything after that, but the screenshots I have of him sending FaceTime calls, regular calls, texts calling her “baby,,” making
plans he and I had planned together, and most of all, telling her he loved her were dated THIS WEEK! I never thought he would lie to me. Now, ive been through this twice. Trust me
when I say Ive done a lot of soul searching. I don’t pick the same type of guy, etc. I COUNSEL OTHERS THROUGH THESE THINGS but im left used. He also added that he had no intentions of ever telling me and that he was going to marry me keeping this from me. So what does that tell you about his character? I also had a screenshot of her questioning his loving commentary to me on my social media to which he responded back to her denying he and I ever being in a relationship. He said he did that for my own protection. Cheaters are all the same. They use the same thing over and over again and they always seem to win in the end even though I’m sure they don’t win, it sure looks like that. This is a narcissistic behavior. I knew I had to do what I needed to do and go get myself tested because he put me at risk. He not only physically cheated on me but he emotionally did — and to this very minute you are reading this — he is still denying it. So I went to the clinic and got tested and basically begged him to come with me if he had any remorse at all. He came late and did not even want to enter the building with me. He agreed to pay for the service but wanted to drive off. It wasn’t until I told him how rude that was he decided to come inside to which he didn’t even console me, but treated me like a stranger in the lounge. At that point I knew he didn’t love me. Yet I was in the parking lot waiting for him after I was done with my test since he decided to get tested as well and saw that he was driving off to which I then ran after him wondering why he would just leave me like this. He said he thought I left and was going to call me later. I sound pathetic fighting for a relationship I didnt break. He obviously doesnt want me so I need to let it be, I know. Why am I fighting for a relationship I didn’t mess up? So he decided to drive back into the parking lot to talk to me to which I just cried and cried and cried and he smiled and refused to take his mask off. Then he decided to say sorry. Why didn’t he say sorry on Saturday when I found out? Why did I have to make him feel bad about not saying sorry when I first found out or when he initially saw me at the clinic today? He’s a narcissist and the fact that he is still denying that he was in a relationship with her tells you. He said the reason he slept with her in June was because we were fighting a lot and he was consoling her due to her being suicidal and in an abusive relationship. Why would he be talking to her (an “ex”) when he was with me? I loved this man and it kills me that he’s not even doing any kind of effort to show me it was an ongoing mistake he wants to correct. He doesn’t wish to correct it. He wants to take the easy way out. He’s quite lazy, as usual. Even when my boyfriend from five years ago did this to me he spent so much time apologizing even though I never took him back but this one just seems to not even care. This one says he wants me to tell him what to do to correct it and never initiates showing me he loves me and is sorry. And I know I dodged a bullet with him, everyone, but it doesn’t make it any easier. And I just need to not give up on love. I’m usually very careful with the relationships I pick. I’m not a serial dater, and try not to welcome the same kind of guy. Again, I counsel others through these things, so I understand the do’s and dont’s and needs of self-worth. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I want to see a therapist but I don’t have any insurance or money because well...2020.

UPDATE: 🙏🏽 ✌🏼

Thank you everybody. Of course now he is begging for me back and trying to manipulate and convince me, as of today, (3 days later) his relationship with her is over. I didn’t know that paraplegics were known to be manipulative in it of itself so thanks for that information. I chose to see through things and yes there were red flags I chose to ignore as is normal for us to do… love is blind. I will get through this even though it’ll be tough. And I think the main thing to remember — whether we are brand new to the partner’s pain to us or counseling others through their new wound — there is the mourning period and the emotions from mourning will fluctuate. I know I’ll be sad one day, mad the other, wanting him to know how much he hurt me another day, OK the next day, and then repeat any of the previous sentiments. Although, these emotions are not necessarily set in a single day’s duration, they can fluctuate quickly within hours of one another throughout the course of the day.

And no, even though this wasn’t a 20 year long marriage, I still feel it hard with the investments I made. Those dealing with a much longer infidelity — who may have even healed with their partner through it — can still experience a sort of PTSD even if their partner really was sorry and never did anything wrong since. It almost feels like the after effects on the. victim don’t become cured, but rather, healed with a scar.

I didn’t add this initially, but I did move my life to his. We were long distance but arent anymore and he slept with her the month after I arrived to his state apparently. I wish I knew this then — then I could’ve healed sooner and not have spent my birthday (a few days ago) with the wrong man.

Overall, I cater too much to his needs. I’m the type of person who knows what she wants but if something makes you happier, I will do that — including what to eat, what to watch on TV, etc. I did, in fact, realize this being something I allowed too much so I stopped. What we could do for dates was obviously limited, but the things we did on our dates were things he could control to ensure both of us were happy. He always played his countless number of music in the car, instead of playing the one ‘90s pop song I wanted to listen to. So, the fights that took place were small like this but big at the same time. I definitely should have waited for him to show much more action before trusting his words.

So, as I go through my mourning of a roller coaster, does anyone have advice regarding how I can handle the emotions — when I want to seek revenge one second and then cry myself into depression another? I’ve hardly eaten. I have to remind myself to drink something and I can feel my body in actual pain that’s making me ill.

TMI, but I even threw up after I sent the initial story to you all — and throwing up is a huge phobia of mine.

I am just really hurt and don’t understand why humans do this to other humans. I know this was his doing, but humans choose to show hate and pain than to love. Why?

[This message edited by HurtxInfinity at 12:22 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

FlowerPower posted 8/10/2020 19:43 PM

I'm hurt,

Well, of course you're hurt. Finding out your BF is a lying, cheating narcissist is gonna hurt.

If I read your post correctly, you started dating this guy in February, and you believe he may be cheating in June, confirmed in August . . . but you both were previously discussing marriage?
He has a roommate, so you are not living together? Is this correct?

If you started dating in Feb, by June you had only been together for four months tops. He is a paraplegic which brings a whole lifestyle to get accustomed to.

How did you meet him?

Do you think you were over your first (now famous) boyfriend, even though it had been five years?

Who brought up the idea of marriage? Why so soon into the relationship?

Are you sure you had an exclusive relationship at the four month stage?

I'd consider this a chance to hunker down and concentrate on yourself. Leave him to his OW.

HurtxInfinity posted 8/10/2020 20:42 PM

Thanks for your reply. No, I found out in August he cheated
In June. I didn’t suspect any of this at all. We didnt live together but saw each other weekly. Initially, everything flowed naturally in this relationship. Nothing was forced. We wanted to learn one another’s intentions which is why marriage came up as a goal we were both looking for, hopefully with one another. My boyfriend from 5 years ago I was over. I was so happy because that wasnt the case before this relationship.

annb posted 8/11/2020 08:05 AM

Saying you dodged a bullet is an understatement, this guy is cruel, and honestly, even though it hurts, you are better off without him. He shows no remorse, at all.

You should concentrate on moving forward with your life, there is someone out there who will respect you and be faithful.

Sending a huge hug....

Notmine posted 8/11/2020 09:20 AM

I am not sure how gently I can say this...

DUMP. HIS. ASS.

If he is treating you this way now, it will only get worse if you cement the deal by marrying him. This guy has no respect for you, he is cruel to you. Run, like the hounds of hell are on your tail.

You deserve FAR, FAR better.

tushnurse posted 8/11/2020 10:35 AM

Welcome Hurt -

Even though you counsel people in similar situations doesn't make you immune to the pain and shock that you are going through. You too will have to grieve the loss of the relationship (being relatively new not too terrible not like divorcing your partner of 20 years) and you have to grieve and overcome the fact that you were abused, and anyone that says infidelity isn't abuse, is wrong. That said you as a counselor know this on a fundamental level but you have to walk yourself through this. You can do that.

The other thing is you need to consider yourself extremely grateful for finding out this man is a narcissist early on. Before M, before kids are involved, before you rearranged your entire life to meet his needs. BTW as an RN I can tell you that Quads in general can be wildly manipulative and abusive. Much more so than the general population, I think there are even some studies on this.

Anyway - welcome to the best club you never wanted to join. Now start healing you.

Demand/Maintain No Contact with this clown.
Start journaling figuring out why you chose this man.
-What attracted you to him.
-Were there any warning signs that you missed or chose to ignore?
-Did you allow him to disrespect you in any other way in your relationship.
-What can you do to demand more respect in the future
-What can you do to help your picker be more finely tuned in the future

These are things you need to consider and work through and as you work through those you should be familiar w/ motivational interviewing and use those techniques on yourself to help you figure things out more. As you answer questions, more will arise, and you can walk yourself through that, but we are here as the voice of reason, and help you learn and not make the mistakes we did as we healed ourselves from infidelity and the damage it caused.

HurtxInfinity posted 8/11/2020 11:17 AM

Thank you everybody. Of course now he is begging for me back and trying to manipulate and convince me, as of today, (3 days later) his relationship with her is over. I didn’t know that paraplegics were known to be manipulative in it of itself so thanks for that information. I chose to see through things and yes there were red flags I chose to ignore as is normal for us to do… love is blind. I will get through this even though it’ll be tough. And I think the main thing to remember — whether we are brand new to the partner’s pain to us or counseling others through their new wound — there is the mourning period and the emotions from mourning will fluctuate. I know I’ll be sad one day, mad the other, wanting him to know how much he hurt me another day, OK the next day, and then repeat any of the previous sentiments. Although, these emotions are not necessarily set in a single day’s duration, they can fluctuate quickly within hours of one another throughout the course of the day.

And no, even though this wasn’t a 20 year long marriage, I still feel it hard with the investments I made. Those dealing with a much longer infidelity — who may have even healed with their partner through it — can still experience a sort of PTSD even if their partner really was sorry and never did anything wrong since. It almost feels like the after effects on the. victim don’t become cured, but rather, healed with a scar.

I didn’t add this initially, but I did move my life to his. We were long distance but arent anymore and he slept with her the month after I arrived to his state apparently. I wish I knew this then — then I could’ve healed sooner and not have spent my birthday (a few days ago) with the wrong man.

Overall, I cater too much to his needs. I’m the type of person who knows what she wants but if something makes you happier, I will do that — including what to eat, what to watch on TV, etc. I did, in fact, realize this being something I allowed too much so I stopped. What we could do for dates was obviously limited, but the things we did on our dates were things he could control to ensure both of us were happy. He always played his countless number of music in the car, instead of playing the one ‘90s pop song I wanted to listen to. So, the fights that took place were small like this but big at the same time. I definitely should have waited for him to show much more action before trusting his words.

So, as I go through my mourning of a roller coaster, does anyone have advice regarding how I can handle the emotions — when I want to seek revenge one second and then cry myself into depression another? I’ve hardly eaten. I have to remind myself to drink something and I can feel my body in actual pain that’s making me ill.

TMI, but I even threw up after I sent the initial story to you all — and throwing up is a huge phobia of mine.

I am just really hurt and don’t understand why humans do this to other humans. I know this was his doing, but humans choose to show hate and pain than to love. Why?

[This message edited by HurtxInfinity at 12:23 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

Wanttobebetter posted 8/11/2020 11:29 AM

no doubt you are hurt and hopefully the pain lessen as the days go by.

it is understandable how difficult it is to walk away with so much invested in this relationship.
hate to equate love/relationship with money management. but why throwing good money (your love and care) chasing bad investments (your relationship with him)? there must be someone out there who deserves your love than the cheaters of your ex.

take care and hope you continue to heal and better days are ahead.

Notmine posted 8/11/2020 12:02 PM

So as I go through my mourning of a roller coaster, does anyone have advice of how I can handle the emotions when I want to seek revenge one second and then cry myself into depression another?

*Allow yourself to feel the feelings. Practice breathing exercises to help you get through intense emotions.
*Engage in some Mindful meditation to help you be ok with living in uncertainty and to help you manage the emotional roller coaster.
*Be kind to yourself.
*Schedule meals, water breaks and exercise so that you do not forget to take care of yourself.
*Look for an online support group that you do not need to pay for.
*Detach from him - no contact, etc. This will also help you with the emotional roller coaster.
*Write a gratitude list daily to remind you that there are positives in your life.
*Look closely at the reasons you ignored the red flags. This is important moving on to another relationship.

We are here for you. We understand your pain. Apologies if I seemed flip in my previous post, but I still feel that you cannot get far enough away from this guy fast enough.

tushnurse posted 8/11/2020 12:10 PM

The pain and anxiety do make it hard to eat and drink and sleep for most newbies here I recommend reaching out to a Dr, now if you are w/o insurance I would try to call your Dr and see if they have any known free therapists you can go to in addition if you find in a few weeks that you are unable to sleep/eat/drink then you may benefit from a Rx of meds, and if you went and it were a pay out of pocket office visit it should cost you around $100.00, and get a Rx that there is assistance for paying for meds.

Try getting yourself some protein shakes if you can't eat or a queasy a lot of the time, at least those are easy to get down, and give you what you need nutritionally. But it only takes a day to have nutritional needs not met, and that does impact your ability to think clearly.

Now about you. Tell him you are done, and stop communicating w/ him. Every time you communicate w/ him it rips whatever scab you have formed off. It also confuses you, and makes you will feel weak each time you do it initially.

The vomiting - that's stress and trying to get rid of it. Fight/flight stuff. Your body dumping it to make it easy to fly away from the danger you know is there. Lizard brain stuff. But you threw up and survived it. So that should allow you to evaluate that your fear and understand it's not as big of deal as you have made it out to be.

((((Hugs and Strength)))))

The1stWife posted 8/11/2020 13:02 PM

I’m sorry you are here yet again.

But I believe this one relationship with its infidelity will be a tiny bit easier b/c you know what to expect. The pain. The sadness. The nit eating or sleeping. It’s not new.

And you know how to heal yourself and move forward.

I don’t know why people cheat. It makes.no sense. I think there are ton of “reasons” but at the end of the day it comes
Down to the cheater just makes a choice to cheat and is selfish.

Don’t be hard on yourself. We don’t know who will cheat and who won’t. I think people like my H - people were shocked to learn he cheated. No one would suspect him. Others - I think people would be surprised if they didn’t cheat.

The best yiu can do is always financially protect yourself. Even if married. You never know when you may need an emergency fund. Nit just in case you need to leave your H or BF or partner, but what if they become ill and cannot work? You need $.

I always suggest a post nup if couples Reconcile. Maybe you need a pre nup before you marry Anyone. Just a thought.