Mickie500,
While I don't post very often, I do read here a lot and I am pretty sure that I've read most of your posts here on SI, but this is the first time I have really felt the need to reply. So I am going to be completely honest with you about what I see as "wayward behavior or wayward thinking" in you, just as I would any other wayward.
First off, let's address the fact that you have minimized and actually left out parts of your story that explains exactly why you are considered a MH.
I have not met with the prospect who lives here. I did meet with the prospect who doesn't live here in my city....and besides a few hugs and touches we did not go any further.
This is from your very first thread on SI, in your own words and since then you have minimized or glossed over or even lied by omission about your interactions with these 2 men. This in itself is usually seen as wayward behavior.
Now you have been talking to a 3rd guy, an ex lover with the same intent that you had with the first 2. Again, I see the intent as wayward behavior.
Then add in how you feel the need to justify your actions, to the point of being defensive and/or dismissive along with the minimizing, lying and the intent of your behavior with 3 different guys, to me, all are wayward behaviors, even if you refuse to see or acknowledge it.
What I believe about wayward people is that the affair is a symptom of some inner crap. It seems from what I’ve heard, people with self esteem issues are the ones who end up cheating and I usually attribute that to childhood trauma.
So what inner crap do you have that is contributing to your wayward thinking?
What childhood trauma has affected your self-esteem so badly it has you thinking that a RA will make you feel better?
Like MrsWalloped, there was definitely something about your previous posts that has bothered me for the exact same reason. I've wondered all along why you seemed to easily dismiss the idea that you are anything but a BW.
I do think part of the problem is your ego, how you want to see yourself and how you want others to see you. I think that it bugs the hell out of you to be considered a BS/WS, a MH because your ego won't allow you to admit that how you see yourself or your actions might not eactly be how others see you or them. But I also think that part of your struggle is that you were so sure of yourself, your life, your M and your self-esteem was wrapped up with all it before your WH's A, that now you will do anything to feel that sure of yourself again.
Basically, I think it's fear that is clouding your brain, leading you to doubt yourself even more and it is fear that has led you to the dark side.
Mickie, I hope I not coming across as a total bitch because believe it or not, I really do understand where you're coming from. We actually have some things in common with some similarities in our stories.
See, I had my own version of a revenge A. (If you would like to read my full story, go to my profile then recent posts and look for "My Whys and Exposing the Monster Inside" If you can't find it, I'll bump it for you because I think it may be of some help to you.
But, I personally know that the feelings you're having will only get worse with revenge and the only thing you will accomplish will be to destroy your own soul.
I'm going to leave you with a couple of quotes to think about.
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
"In the end, cowards are those who follow the dark side."
But remember this: "In a dark place we find ourselves and a little more knowledge lights the way."
(Yes I just quoted Yoda.)