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I messed up...

Fugari03 posted 8/6/2020 21:23 PM

The title says it all. I messed up. I don't know how I keep letting myself do these things. My BS and I have been attempting to reconcile after 2 years of lies, deceit, and betrayal. My A lasted like...4 weeks, but I spent a lot of time trying to "protect" my BS from all of the hurtful details and the lies I had told through the previous 4 years of our relationship. Lies that made me seem like a better or more interesting person than I was. Lies are lies. Doesn't matter the reason. I finally came clean about everything in May and told her the last bit of truth I was hiding from her. I was furloughed from my job due to COVID-19, so we had a lot of time together. We have been in MC and things had been getting better. Then....

I started working again in July. This alone can trigger my BS because my A was with a coworker. Long story short; one of my female coworkers helped me with something last week not her job at all, she was just being helpful because I was swamped trying to catch up on things. (Just so you all know I am also a female. I am a lesbian.) I remembered that my coworker (who lives 5.5 hours away with her boyfriend) had recently had a birthday so I told her I got her a little something (which I hadn't) and I immediately realized it was inappropriate. I haven't addressed it since, and have only talked to her about work things. So...

Same coworker sent me a text of the puppy she is getting with her boyfriend (she knows I love dogs), and my BS saw them. She got triggered (completely understandable) and was like, "What other messages do you have from her?" So she pulled up my work chat and saw that we had talked on there. She naturally read the messages and saw the message where I had mentioned getting her a birthday gift. I should've told her that I said that the day i sent it and realized it was a mistake. I didn't delete it, or anything else. My phone is always where my BS can see it and go through anything she wants. I haven't tried hiding anything.

Let me explain that I also deleted a text conversation from her back in March before I was furloughed that I was afraid my BS would think was weird, but when asked I was honest about it. I know that doesn't take it away, but I told the truth, and that's a lot for me. I've been in IC for 2 years in October and have had a lot to deal with. I've tried addressing the most toxic things first (my need for attention, my need to lie when in stressful situations or to make myself look better, and how to be a better listener). I am working on the deeper and harder things and am really making some progress, but I'm terrified it isn't fast enough. My partner is perfect. She is beautiful and amazing. She never did anything to deserve what I have done to her....to us. I have completely and totally ruined our perfect love and our incredible relationship.

Now I'm lost. I don't want to see her in so much pain yet again because of something I have done. I never do anything to try to hurt her, but that is all I'm doing. I've told her multiple times that if being with me doesn't make her happy, she can tell me and we can end this relationship with love and respect. She doesn't think I'm in love with her anymore. I can understand why given my behavior. I still have a lot of work to do in both IC and MC, but I don't know what's going to happen to our relationship. She is pretty cold right now, so maybe tomorrow will be a better day to talk.

No matter what happens, thank you all in advance for your support and constructive feedback. I'm not looking for anything in particular in responses. Just want to hear your thoughts. Any thoughts are welcome, good or bad. I need the help. Thank you to those of you who take the time to read this and post your thoughts.

MrCleanSlate posted 8/7/2020 11:36 AM

Fugari,

I bet your BS is devastated once again as all she can see is another D-Day.

Now, you may have realized what you said about the gift was inappropriate, but the fact is you said it. You were looking for an opening, or a positive response.

You really need to figure out why you need to behave this way. Try to get into an IC as soon as you can.

Fugari03 posted 8/7/2020 14:40 PM

MrCleanSlate:

I have been in IC for almost 2 years. I said that in this post. I understand where I went wrong and what I should've done. I should've told my BS as soon as it happened. I've still got a lot of work to do.

MrCleanSlate posted 8/7/2020 15:08 PM

Fugari,

I meant that get to see an IC as soon as you can to discuss this specific issue.

What you were doing is crossing a line. You offered to buy a B-Day gift. For a coworker you hardly know. A FEMALE coworker. Think about that.

That smells an awful lot like fishing behaviour. You were working on starting to groom some kind of relationship. What 3 months since last D-Day?

And why are you exchanging text messages with this coworker?

MrCleanSlate posted 8/7/2020 15:10 PM

I'm trying to point out that you need to be hyper vigilant about your behaviours.

But more importantly you need to dig into why you continue to act this way. Otherwise you will keep wandering off.

WHY

Fugari03 posted 8/7/2020 16:24 PM

MrCleanSlate:

I completely agree with you. I've messed up for the last time and hurt my love for the last time. She is done with me and it seems as though we are ending our relationship. I will continue to go to IC to get to the root of my issues and insecurities. I will do this for me to ensure I never do this again to anyone else. This is and always will be the biggest regret of my life. I've lost the most amazing and incredible person I've ever had the pleasure of welcoming into my life. The only person who has ever truly loved me. I broke her and I will forever be sorry. I will never stop working on myself to be a better person. The person I've always wanted to be and have pretended to be. Sorry, this response turned into more than I intended. Thank you sir, for taking the time to read and comment. Your words are very similar to those of my BS.

JBWD posted 8/7/2020 18:50 PM

It hurts and weíre, if I can presume for the group, sorry to hear that this appears to have fallen short, Fugari.

I will propose that, given how much time/experience you have with IC, you felt some degree of self-assurance that this was not behavior you were going to repeat. And I most appreciate that you recognize this simply might not be recoverable- Itís hard to face and will likely hurt for a long time.

A suggestion based on what you describe- Donít know if youíve already examined any 12 step groups- The hallmark of an addict is powerlessness, and I see it and hear your pain and confusion in this post. Think itís worth a shot, I can tell you the perspective regular meetings and a deliberate focus on emotional sobriety has truly turned me around and helps me move forward.

But for now, itís a hard time and weíre sorry to hear about the potential end. The greatest thing I see hear is your continued focus on recovery, REGARDLESS of the relationshipís course.

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