"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Mlisuscgrad posted 8/4/2020 08:36 AM

Found out in June that my wife had an almost year long affair. I thought it was over, but found out last week that it never stopped. They had sex, made out, sexted, and more the entire time it was going on. Devastated and working now to find myself and figure out what I am going to do. It was with a coworker and I never suspected, even though her coworkers did suspect, one of them knew, and her best friend knew and never told me.

beenthereinco posted 8/4/2020 08:47 AM

Hi Mlisuscgrad,
So sorry you have found your way here. It is a gut punch to find this out for sure. First off I want to say that you are among friends here. Folks will come along to help. Take a breath and take your time. This is a marathon not a sprint. Take care of yourself. Try to sleep, eat, drink water and exercise. Don't drink too much alcohol.

Can I ask you a few questions?

1. How long have you been married?
2. What is your plan? Do you want to try to Reconcile with your Wayward Wife?
3. What does she want to do? Has she said she wants to stay married?
4. Does she still work with the Affair Partner? (AP)

Kaliber posted 8/4/2020 08:56 AM

It was with a coworker and I never suspected

Adding to beenthereinco questions:

5. Is the coworker married or have a spouse?
6. Did you get tested for STD/STI?
7. Do you have kids?

Found out in June that my wife had an almost year long affair.

8. When you found out in June, what did you do? How did you confront her, what did she say?

9. How was your marriage before the affair?
10. How old are both of you?
11. Does her family and yours know about her betrayal?

[This message edited by Kaliber at 9:02 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

SlapNutsABingo posted 8/4/2020 12:40 PM

Tons of good reading here, I suggest you get started.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/4/2020 13:21 PM

I wanted to say I can relate - like completely. My WH had an affair with a co-worker as well (the only difference is that the OBS also works with my WH and the AP - all three of them together). It was a 4-5 month EA/PA when I caught him. I did not tell the OBS for complicated reasons relating to their job. The continued to work together (all 3 of them) after they were caught, my WH did all the "give me another chance" blah blah blah, and the A went underground for another year (less physical contact and more sexting and bullshit), until I caught him again and told the OBS. So I, like you, had false R for a year...and it's damaging, harder for me that the initial A by miles.

Feel free to ask me anything about the process. It's been long, it's been hard, and there was no happy ending for me (but somehow better than I thought it would be).

I will say this - I relate far better to those who have gone though some lengthy period of false R more than "just" an A. It's a different horrible mindset, really.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:22 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 8/4/2020 14:30 PM

I too suffered through the false reconciliation period. It is just another knife in the back.

I’m sorry you had to face this twice. It could be the 2nd Dday is worse than the first. I always believe that the behavior after Dday (discovery day) is usually the killer of the M not the actual affair.

What are you doing now?

Buster123 posted 8/5/2020 00:01 AM

I thought it was over, but found out last week that it never stopped. They had sex, made out, sexted, and more the entire time it was going on.

File for D and EXPOSE her A with All family and close friends and of course OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse/Girlfriend) if any, WITHOUT warning (very important), D takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final if she comes around, ends her A and NC FOREVER is established and verified (one of them has to quit the job if you can't make him your WW will have to do it), offers full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, signs as postnuptial agreement in your favor in case she cheats again (no alimony/she doesn't touch your retirement), gets tested for STDs (you should too regardless), commits to IC to find out her "whys" (forget MC for now) and in essence commit to doing the heavy lifting to help restore the M she destroyed with her huge betrayal, if she refuses to do any of the above or you get to a point where you don't even want her back, just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment and the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through this difficult situations, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, we've seen it play out THOUSANDS of times here and in other forums.