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I need help

Pleaseforgiveme1 posted 8/2/2020 18:50 PM

I haven't posted my story because I'm a little afraid of the 2x4's and my story is so long and I frankly don't remember a lot of it. Lame wayward justification? Maybe, I don't think so, but it could be true. What I'm looking for is a mentor or just someone who could help me thru this. I'm desperate and I'm about to lose my family again and I know I can't handle that. Please, if anyone can help get in touch with me. Thanks for listening.

HFSSC posted 8/2/2020 19:56 PM

Putting on my Wayward hat because weekends can be slow around here and you said youíre desperate.

You posted a reply 2 weeks ago on a thread by another WW. And you post tonight, in desperation, but itís clear you want to control the outcome. Nobody can help you with that. Thereís no mentor to guide you that way.

You want to know why? Because that way doesnít work. Itís an illusion. But it leads nowhere. And thatís where you already are.

Write out a timeline. Youíre going to need it anyway. Make an outline and fill in details. Then post your story and ask for help. Find the willingness to ask and the humility to listen. And let go of the outcome. You may have lost your family. You have absolutely no control over that now. What you have control over is you. Thatís it.

See? No 2x4s. Probably not what you wanted to hear but itís what you need to hear right now. I hope you stay. I hope you share your story and find your way to being a safe human being. Maybe youíll be able to be a safe partner for your XH.

Lostallalone posted 8/3/2020 04:21 AM

Trust me people here do care. Make sure you have a stop sign to keep BS from commenting. Sometimes they don't cross post effectively. But as for the experienced WS on here they may come across mean. You may take offense.(I did originally.) But rereading past comments I saw that it was me that was in the wrong not them. Posting here is just a step in a long process to heal.

Lostallalone posted 8/3/2020 04:21 AM

Triple post

[This message edited by Lostallalone at 8:57 AM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Lostallalone posted 8/3/2020 04:21 AM

Double post sorry

[This message edited by Lostallalone at 4:22 AM, August 3rd (Monday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 8/3/2020 08:23 AM

The goal of reconciliation is understandable, but as a WS, that desire can stand squarely in the way of doing the work that's necessary to accomplish R. You're alone and frightened, willing to say or do anything to set back the clock and convince your BS to give you another chance. That's a situation that's tailor made for more excuses, more minimization, and more lies. Your BS doesn't need empty promises; they need a safe partner, and the first step of becoming safe is to look backward and face what you did.

As far as not remembering a lot: this can be true and not true, simultaneously. Details can be forgotten naturally, but unless your A was a long time ago, the essential information is still in there somewhere. I suspect that you're experiencing a selective memory process where you're just blanking out the things you don't want to admit to. I did that; I persuaded myself that if I didn't remember the facts, then the facts would cease to exist, like the old "if I tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound" debate. It did a lot of damage. When I finally forced my head around to look, most of it was still there.

Please post your story. There may be some stern words, but they come from a place of wanting to help you. If you can't face a bunch of internet strangers who did the same thing you did, how can you face your BS? And if you can't give them the truth, why should they try to reconcile?

Pleaseforgiveme1 posted 8/3/2020 23:28 PM

Thank you everyone for replying. We've had a rough couple of days and I haven't been able to come reply to everyone. I will tomorrow for sure. So for now, thabjs for the advice and please check back with me soon.
P.S. I will post my story soon.
Thanks again!

MrCleanSlate posted 8/4/2020 13:01 PM

Pleaseforgiveme,

I trolled on this website almost 5 years ago after my D-Day and was too afraid to post back then, so I understand the apprehension.

What I can say is there is an awful lot of people here willing to offer some really good solid advice, and the occasional 2x4's are meant to help get your head out of your ass, not to knock you down for no reason.

So instead of telling your whole story, why not just tell us a bit about yourself and the salient facts - D-Day, length of A, EA or PA, how old you both are, how long you've been together. It can help start a conversation. Sometimes it is better to chunk things out.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 1:02 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

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