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Bonding again

Bulcy posted 7/28/2020 12:05 PM

Hi,

BS and I were discussing last night about us bonding again. Part of this discussion turned to do we know one another. Following my infidelity we began the process of writing timelines, bonding sexually, working on the whys and hows, getting me out of the fog etc. One of the things we did was to look online at questions to ask one another with a view to getting to know each other again. The questions we found were pretty lame so we dropped this idea..... Last night we thought about it again. Which leads me to this question(s)...

What did you do to reestablish a bond with BS?
Are there any decent online resources to help?
Did you uncover anything interesting about BS?

I'm not after anything that would be covered by the usual books on healing, just some fun stuff really. BS and I are working through a few books, but would like to have something to do together during a bit of downtime.

WS and BS opinions welcome.

Thanks

hikingout posted 7/28/2020 12:36 PM

We went to a seminar offered through Dr. Gottman called the science of love. They do it in a lot of cities. They also have a question deck that at first seemed lame to us, but we tried it and I will say we branched off into a lot of discussions that were very deep and meaningful.

We also decided to pay special attention to things we really enjoyed doing together. For us, it was live music so we've done a lot of concerts. We also enjoy hiking, camping, and have some shared interest in one of our businesses.

I scheduled a weekend for us out of town once a quarter, which is not always feasible for people on a budget or with small kids. Our kids are gone.

Prioritizing time with one another each week was also important. As the WS I made most all the arrangments for dates, etc. We are at a point now where he participates in that more.

Reading something together before bed. We read several books about love, relationships, etc. Each night we would alternate who would do the reading aloud, and we would just set like a 15 minute time frame on it.

Notaboringwife posted 7/28/2020 13:18 PM

So I am a BS. I asked my FWH how many motorcycles did he have during high school days at home. I thought one, but he said four. Apparently his dad bought more powerful ones as he grew older.

Me FWH downsized from the most powerful one after a near accident and that downsized one was the one I rode with him when we were dating.

We had a great time reminiscing about our dating together and dating other people. Totally open talking with no reservations, no defensiveness. Just fun.

You know, we had lost that, somewhere in time.
But I am ever so grateful that we are able to still rediscover, or discover new little things about ourselves.

MrCleanSlate posted 7/28/2020 13:37 PM

Bulcy,

There's working our R and then there is working on your M. Too many of us forget about bonding, why we married in the first place, etc.

Buy a bicycle for each of you, get some matching helmets and gloves and bike shorts, etc. and go out bike riding once a week. Stop for a coffee along the way and chat - about whatever.

The other thing that helped my BW and I bond again was going grocery shopping together, taking a walk to the local pub for a pint together and sharing food off each others plate. From that the conversations flow.

Take time to do things together.

Edit - forgot that you are in the UK - stop for tea instead of coffee

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 1:40 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

Bulcy posted 7/28/2020 15:48 PM

I scheduled a weekend for us out of town once a quarter, which is not always feasible for people on a budget or with small kids. Our kids are gone.

Prioritizing time with one another each week was also important. As the WS I made most all the arrangments for dates, etc. We are at a point now where he participates in that more.

Reading something together before bed. We read several books about love, relationships, etc. Each night we would alternate who would do the reading aloud, and we would just set like a 15 minute time frame on it.

We are trying to go on dates as often as Covid allows. There is a small restaurant in our local town centre that we can now go to on a Saturday for lunch. Last night we went on our first official "date night" since March. It was great. I like the idea of reading to one another. We will try that. Maybe start with something nice and simple (Roald Dahl is what we might do first )

Buy a bicycle for each of you, get some matching helmets and gloves and bike shorts, etc. and go out bike riding once a week. Stop for a coffee along the way and chat - about whatever.

I like this idea too. We have bikes and rarely use them. There are a number of places we can ride to to grab a coffee or lunch before heading home.

Edit - forgot that you are in the UK - stop for tea instead of coffee

Tea romms are exclusively for when we're on holiday. Starbucks can't make tea! not to British standards anyway!

MrCleanSlate posted 7/28/2020 16:09 PM

Bulcy,

You could try the book "Mirror of Intimacy"

My wife and I take turns at night to read the daily reflections to each other. A lot of thought provoking stuff and some good ways to get dialogue going.

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