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I feel so stuck

Suzanne73 posted 7/27/2020 10:12 AM

Iíve been with my fiancť for 3 years, for 2 of them years Iíve been raising his child and dealing with an awful birth mum as well as her family, the drama is every day but Iíve stuck it out all while dealing with my own demons.
I never had any reason to doubt him as he would be so loving and say all the right things to me, only to discover itís a manipulation tactic. Only 2 weeks ago my gut was telling me he was up to no good so I got his password to his phone and low and behold heís messaging an ex girlfriend asking for sex, even video called her while I was up in bed and wanking to her. I instantly told him he needs therapy for us to survive which he agreed to. Weíve had one session but he wonít let me talk about what he did and apparently Iíve just gotta get over it because he never actually did anything with her. Iím really struggling to trust him .(I divorced my 1st husband as he had numerous affairs).

Weíre due to be married September this year but today I found him on a dating site claiming to be single and Iíve checked out his profile and heís been on line today.

Iím feeling so sick as Iím not going to tell him I know until weíre in therapy next week then Iím going to surprise him with my findings.
As Iím sat here writing this heís actually sat in same room as me on this site.
Iím just in bits that every thing Iíve done for him and put up with his crap for 3 years and this is how he repays me.

sisoon posted 7/27/2020 11:06 AM

I'm very sorry you're being betrayed. I do want you to know that you can get through this and thrive.

There's no change that you (or he) can make to your relationship that will make it good. Couples therapy/MC won't help you, unless your MC confronts the hell out of your partner.

The problem isn't your relationship, it's your partner. He is cheating because of his own issues, not because of issues with you or with the relationship. He has to look inside. He has to take responsibility for cheating, He has to change from cheater to good partner.

Right now, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, so he sees no reason to change.

You don't need MC. He needs IC and a desire to change.

I understand feeling stuck. You can unstick yourself by - at the VERY least - postponing your wedding. You can unstick yourself by kicking him and his daughter out or by leaving. (I'd say keep his daughter, but I think that would be illegal.)

The SI rule of thumb is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from being betrayed. Please please please do not think you can R before your wedding.

There is no quick fix. He will not change just by going through a wedding.


[This message edited by sisoon at 11:09 AM, July 27th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 7/27/2020 11:49 AM

I think you know the answer here. You deserve better than this.

Itís time to rip the band aid off and feel the pain and move on from him.

So sorry for you. Just be thankful you can cancel the wedding and not have to deal with a D.

SilverStar posted 7/27/2020 12:12 PM

Stuck is the last thing you are. You are actually quite free. You are not yet married, and you have been through this type of betrayal before. You get to say bye-bye to babymamadrama, family crap, and secret- wanking, ungrateful, lying, losers. You don't have to waste one more second of your time in counseling with same lying loser. Just sashay away.

Anna123 posted 7/27/2020 12:24 PM

Please call off the wedding and be VERY CAREFUL to not get pregnant with this person. It hurts. You love him. But he is not good marriage material and continuing to bond with this child is a whole different issue.

You have a great opportunity to really dig deep and consider if staying with him is good for you and your potential future children or bad for you and our potential future children.

I recall thinking that when I surprised my cheater that I was on to him that he would feel remorse and stop and everything would be great, but if you read here, you will see that is not the case for most everyone on this site. He may PRETEND it will stop him, but the odds unfortunately are not in his favor. And if they were, are you sure you still want to take the risk? Remember, his words mean nothing. His actions over time mean everything.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is just an awful thing to deal with, especially for you having been through it before! But you know you got past the first time, and you will this time as well.

It would be worth looking into ways to protect yourself against choosing this type of person going forward. Don't feel bad, you have lots of company here of men and women who sucked at choosing the right partners. The key is do our best to avoid, or exit quickly the next time. Here is your chance to exit quickly. The bonus is you don't have to deal with his awful family anymore or that birth mom.

Take care of yourself.

ChamomileTea posted 7/27/2020 12:52 PM

This guy has given you a GIFT. It's a crystal ball which shows you clearly what your life will look like if you stay with him. Of course, you'll want to add kids, a mortgage, a big pile of debt, and a small pile of assets on top of that.

There are ALREADY men in this world who don't cheat. Cheating is against their values system and they simply don't do it. Your WBF isn't the last man on earth, and what you'll be missing by staying with your cheater is a BETTER man... one you won't have to monitor like you're his mommy all your life.

It's a mistake to look at this like he's got a problem you can help him solve. You can't solve this. All the couple's counseling in the world can't solve this. Only he can, and it requires a complete overhaul of his character. It requires that he take an HONEST look at his core values and that he figures out what kind of dark and nefarious thing inside makes him capable of saying "yes" to perfidy. Most waywards aren't going to get such deep, introspective, humbling work accomplished. Real change is rare. And underlying all of that, is the simple, inarguable FACT that your WBF doesn't respect you. So, you'd be starting out in married life in the one-down without respect from your spouse.

I've been married more than 35 years, and marriage is hard. I can tell you without hesitation though that if I were in your shoes... I'd run like my hair was on fire.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:53 PM, July 27th (Monday)]

Suzanne73 posted 7/27/2020 14:13 PM

Thank you everyone for the advice.
Firstly thank god weíd never have children, Iím in my 40ís with 4 grown up children and 4 grandchildren. Heís in his 50ís with 2 grown up children and then his daughter whoís 5 that Iím raising.
The property we live in is his but I had a large divorce settlement and put that into this house by extending it.

Iím waiting for a night that the step child is at her mums which isnít that often then telling him I think we should call wedding off.

One good thing is I got a friend to make a profile on this dating site and message him and heís replied that heís not interested.

Buster123 posted 7/27/2020 14:17 PM

There's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with here, so please don't even bother with therapy, you're still supposed to be in the "honeymoon phase" and he's already cheating on you, life only gets tougher, don't waste another second with this proven cheater and liar and RUN for hills and don't look back ! you deserve so much better, the silver lining is he showed you who he is before you got more entangled with finances and children, dating is a trial and he failed miserably, don't forget to get tested for STDs, RUN !!!

ChamomileTea posted 7/27/2020 14:23 PM

The property we live in is his but I had a large divorce settlement and put that into this house by extending it.

Ouch! I'd go talk to an attorney about that. Maybe you can encourage the WBF to refi the house and return your money to you as a sign of his commitment. Then, dump him later if he still hasn't pulled his shit together. Sometimes, a WS who doesn't want to get dumped will sign a post-nup promising a good settlement if his BS catches him cheating again, so if he's motivated to keep you, maybe he'll agree to getting your money back for you as a matter of good faith.

Buster123 posted 7/27/2020 15:07 PM

Iím waiting for a night that the step child is at her mums which isnít that often then telling him I think we should call wedding off.

You're just delaying (and based on what you're saying you seem to be hoping for a miracle), some of the guests may still be on time to get a refund for their travel plans/reservations and/or may still be on time to go ahead with other plans instead, tell him TODAY ! and not just call the whole thing off, DUMP HIM and move on!!!

One good thing is I got a friend to make a profile on this dating site and message him and heís replied that heís not interested.

Oh how nice of him, you're missing the point, the very fact he's on a DATING SITE means he wants to keep DATING while being engaged, NOT A GOOD THING AT ALL, I'm sorry to be blunt but I think at this point you're grasping at straws, there's NOTHING to save here but yourself, end this farce TODAY and RUN !

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:11 PM, July 27th (Monday)]

heartbroken_kk posted 7/28/2020 10:51 AM

I can see why you feel stuck. You've invested in his house and gotten engaged, you've developed a bond with his child, and now this.

First of all, you have to be very strategic and smart about this, no matter how you feel about him right now, be very careful with what you say and do.

Why is he not in a marriage with the mother of his young child? Why is he not married to the mother of his older children? You now have to question everything he's ever told you about himself!

I'll bet you that he cheated on wife number 1, (maybe got the OW pregnant and that's why he has a 5 year old?) and she dumped him! When was his first divorce? You can look this up online, don't take his word on it. How does it line up with the conception of the 5 year old?

And whatever he told you about the prior women in his life is a lie. Mother of his young child? Her behavior towards him may be due to him abusing her trust. Maybe he cheated on her or told her lies? Is she really awful, or is she protecting herself from him?

Anybody can keep up a game for 2 years, you've been seeing him as who he presents himself as, and that may not be who he really is at all.

See a lawyer immediately about your contribution to the house remodel and how you might get your money back out of this arrangement. Maybe you have to go down the path of a pre-nup and get him to sign that if your relationship ends you get paid back for your investment in his property. If you can get his signature now, make sure the prenup is binding whether or not the wedding happens.

Do everything you can to protect yourself and your assets right now. Be aware he may be having sex with somebody else, so go get yourself tested for STDs

Anna123 posted 7/29/2020 07:31 AM

Great advice here. I hope you were trying to be facetious saying it was good he turned down one person on HIS DATING PROFILE. Yes. HIS DATING PROFILE! He has a DATING PROFILE so he can lie about being single to innocent victims so he can f**k them. This is absurd. I don't want to be harsh because I know you are still in shock and invested in him and his poor child but this is clearly not marriage material. Be careful first and see if you can get your money back out of the house as suggested. If not, run anyway.

Take care, I am so sorry you were duped but thank God it's now instead of later.

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