Belle, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It sucks. And the fact that this is on top of the stresses of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation with a young baby and the current COVID situation must make this even more difficult.
Before we got engaged, my H admitted that he'd had an inappropriate friendship (i.e. emotional affair) with a woman he met online and in person a few times. 10 days after my first Mother's day and just a few weeks before his first Father's Day, I found emails between them. Their relationship had been far more physical then he had admitted, and he was still writing to her after we got married. He told her about my first pregnancy when I miscarried. And he last wrote to her on the day that we found out that I was pregnant again.
Ten years later, he cheated on me again with a friend (parent of one of our son's school friends). It was a short-lived relationship played out partly in front of both her H and I. Which was doubly humiliating. It was a big part in the ending of her marriage and almost ended ours. We are still together now because he worked at it. Until I could too. And he learned to be completely honest with me about almost everything.
It has now been 4 years since that second D-day and these are the things I know:
-> Anyone experiencing the pain of infidelity should take as much time and space as they need to regroup and breath - without any pressure to decide anything about their relationship. A WS who cannot appreciate this is not a safe partner for the future. This applies to intimacy as well.
-> Don't keep your situation a secret from your loved ones if you need their support. I battled a lot with shame. As though my H's actions and choices somehow reflected my own worth and character. I don't want anyone to know, so I told very few people after D-Day 1. But after D-Day 2 I talked to the people who loved me, as I needed to. For me. And it helped.
-> Exploring what leaving would be like, even planning for it, is not disloyal. You need to understand what that reality could be like. And so does your H. You don't have to make a decision now (and I'd suggest that you wait a good while before doing that). But I found that being able to reflect calmly on all possibilities played a big part in my decision to stay. Perhaps that seems cold, I know, but that is the truth.
-> There must be no doubt in you or your H's mind that any further contact with the OW will have extreme consequences for your marriage. Is there a way that you can ask for your church's help/counsel in this?
-> After D-Day 1, my husband had a lot of soul searching and maturing to do. He barely scratched the surface on that - which is why we had D-Day 2. This time he did far more work.
-> As did I. It takes time and energy to confront the reality that I married someone who could betray his vows and lie to me so often about where he was and what he was doing. Learning to see and accept that this person was part of who my husband is was hard. Learning how to forgive him and whether I could even consider reconciliation took a lot of time and tears. And several months.
Be kind to yourself. Do things for you as and when you can. Talk when you feel like it. Don't if you don't want to.
Well done on refusing marriage counseling until you feel ready. I am so glad that you are reaching out for help and looking for your own counselor. Don't give up until you find someone who helps.
Thinking of you Belle. My heart hurts for you.
[This message edited by Mizzbak at 1:23 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]