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cannotforgive posted 7/12/2020 16:12 PM

Dotty, first a big hug to you.

It is a horrible situation to be in.

Please remember cheaters never tell the truth when caught. They give you the bare minimum, which is what I suspect it is happening here.

He gave you 2 STD's and claims he got them from the same woman? How unfortunate for him?

The truth is probably different. He could have been cheating with multiple women and collected the STD's, considering the fact that he was on a dating app.

I am married to a reformed serial cheater. If it was not for the complex situation I am in( living abroad, children, funds, etc), I would have kicked him to the curb. And he did not give me any diseases.

Kick him out and tell him to give you a complete written timeline with all the women he has cheated with. Then tell him you will verify his timeline with a lie detector test.

If you are in the UK, google them, they do exist.
Once you have the truth, make your decision.

In the meantime, find a good IC for yourself.

DottyPotty posted 7/22/2020 15:30 PM

Hi all

2 weeks since D-Day. Feeling a bit lost to be honest so looking for support. Just find myself randomly crying at things. Comes in waves when everything hits me. Nights are the worst as Iím so busy during the day it stops my mind from wondering. Night time I just lay awake and want to sob. Just awful.

H is trying to R. Has booked for us to go away which I think will do us some good. I just donít want my feelings to get swept under the carpet though. He knows how big a deal this is. I just feel so broken, hurt, unattractive. Keep attacking my appearance and being so hard on myself.

H trying to build on affection as that was something that was almost absent on his part. It concerns me he has to try with this though. Why doesnít that and intimacy come naturally? Hence me attacking my appearance and cue paranoia.

Dotty x

Dismayed2012 posted 7/22/2020 16:07 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Dotty. Your feelings are normal; we all went through what you're going through. It does get better but it does take time. It sounds to me like you may have a shot at reconciliation. If your spouse continues to make the right efforts and continues to own-it, you may have a chance. You're going to be dealing with emotional swings and outbursts for a little while. Over time they get less strong and less debilitating. For now just take care of yourself. Don't rush anything. Allow your head time to assimilate your new reality. Keep your chin up knowing that although you can't see it right now, there is an end to this. Remember to take care of yourself; eat healthy, exercise, and educate yourself on infidelity and the healing process. I wish the best for you.

Happenedtome2 posted 7/24/2020 05:40 AM

Dotty, sorry to read this thread and that you are here.
Listen, I made MANY of the mistakes that the folks here will warn about. One of them was going away with WW after DDAY. By doing so we are rewarding the bad behavior. If you absolutely feel you want to go away with him, make it somewhere close so you can pull the ripcord and go home if he does/says anything stupid. Intimacy is a no go. Stay the course on that if you are not comfortable. This SOB gave you a disease because he had to sow his wild oats. R is one thing, but rewarding crappy behavior is only going to show him that he can get away with it.
I'll be here over the weekend even though it's slow so will keep an eye out for your posts.

DottyPotty posted 7/24/2020 06:41 AM

Thank you HappenedToMe

Did you managed to R? We are actually quite far away from home so not somewhere I can get away from quickly.

Itís okay I just find myself doubting what Iím doing and not wanting to sleep walk back into the same nightmare. I thought everything was hunky dory before so it goes to show anything is possible. Now Iím like a bloody shark with the scent of blood, sniffing out every insecurity.

Intimacy is a no go atm anyway. Altho more so on his part. I havenít initiated. Itís it strange I actually want him to initiate. I think thatís my insecurities and wanting to feel wanted by him.

Thanks for being here x

squid posted 7/24/2020 07:22 AM

He's love-bombing you and trying to sweep this under the rug. As much as a holiday may be needed, it's really just a way of not paying attention to the A.

I did the same thing shortly after my Dday. In a way, I was rewarding my WW for her A. Taking the pressure off her.

Continue holding his feet to the fire. What he has done is such a horrendous slap to the face. Keep reminding him of that.

And don't feel obliged to acquiesce to his displays of affection. In fact, you should be doing exactly the opposite, keeping him at arms length. Re-read the 180.

This is not about you. You were/are always good enough.

Chin up.

[This message edited by squid at 7:23 AM, July 24th, 2020 (Friday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 7/24/2020 10:13 AM

Did you managed to R?

Right now I'm exploring divorce and have advised W of same. 2 years into what I thought was a R in progress and she decides to stick her nose into some single loser's love life. I won't t/j your thread with that though.
You will see from many of the threads here that R is not a short process. I made the mistake of trying to jump into R and did the pick me dance until a couple of people here slapped some sense into me.
Whatever course you take, YOU are in charge. YOU hold the cards. It's hard resisting affection and whatnot but only you can decide when/if it's appropriate.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/24/2020 11:32 AM

Dotty, first, I like everyone else, am sorry you are here.

Second, the one thing I wish I had done was the minute my WH mentioned any ambivalence about "us" was that I told him to leave me alone. Instead, I facilitated his ambivalence by sticking around anyway (I had financial and housing issues that did not allow for me to just up and leave, but I certainly could have stopped engaging with him the minute he said that). I think the evidence of that you can see in the 1st Wife's comments. After d-day1 she tried a more "kinder gentler" version of R, and she got kicked in the teeth for it via false R. So did I. Only after d-day2 did she say "you're not sure - then I am - hit the bricks buddy" (sorry in advance to the1stwife if that is not really an accurate assessment of your reaction) and only after she said that and put her actions behind her words, did that happen. I didn't do the same thing as she did after d-day2 (I too had false R after d-day1 - for a year no less) but I did go into self-preservation mode. During that time my WH still pulled the ambivalence card...and he went back to the AP yet again for a brief period.

Only when he said "I'm done because you're not happy" and I said "fine" and actually take the efforts to leave did he, all of a sudden, lose his ambivalence about me. In my case it was too late - I'm leaving. In the case of the 1stwife, it was not, and they R'ed.

So I don't care what else he says or what else he does...if there is any more than shred of "ambivalence" in his words or actions (we can all be unsure in a moment - that's normal - which is why I say more than a shred) then you need to stop engaging with him ASAP. It is the one thing I wish I'd done from the get-go (and it's also one of the hardest) as I am POSITIVE it will help you heal faster as it takes you out of limbo, and limbo is like a self-inflicted wound that you not only allow to fester untreated, but you actively help it stay fresh. Limbo without a plan is harmful.

I'm sorry you are here - and I KNOW it is hard (so hard in fact that I myself didn't do it) - but seriously kick his ambivalence to the curb. If he loses that ambivalence then consider if you want to R. Maybe you will be like the 1st wife and you will, or maybe you will be like me and you won't. Either way - the choices will be YOURS.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:54 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

DottyPotty posted 8/7/2020 12:38 PM

Hi all

Iím out this weekend for the first time since D-Day and am staying away with friends. I want to have a great time and Iím sure I will but I know in the back of my mind Iíll be worried what WH is up to. Itís already in the back of my mind. How do I get over this paranoia? Does it ever lessen?

Thanksgiving2016 posted 8/7/2020 13:29 PM

Why would you want to get over the paranoia. Which isnít paranoia itís your gut telling you he is unsafe. You just found out. Sounds like he isnít doing anything to help- taking a trip isnít helping deal with the infidelity- what were the results of his STD testing? Why did you wait so long into the relationship to marry?

DottyPotty posted 8/7/2020 13:41 PM

Thankfully STD all clear including my follow up. Seems mine was a false positive. Not great but least I found out what was going on. No idea why it took him so long to propose. Was the same for others his side of family probably due to previous broken marriages - the irony !

notanotherchance posted 8/7/2020 14:57 PM

How do I get over this paranoia? Does it ever lessen?

You need to do some more digging there is more to it than your sorry excuse for a spouse has told you.
He did not tell you, you found out due to a STD. He put your life at risk, that's how much he cares for your M, remaining with your WH will create a lot of stress waiting for another slimy DD to slither out from under infidelity rock. If that's how you want to go forward then all the power to you. It only lessens when you do something about it cause it will not fix itself.

You get over the paranoia by finding a partner who you can trust & move forward with. Your WH is not such a partner. As per his screwed up reasoning for cheating that in itself shows he will never be trustworthy. Next time it could be that he needed to have sex with additional women.

Sending Strength

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:59 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

thatbpguy posted 8/7/2020 15:22 PM

Dotty, I have read this thread and to be honest I question the sincerity of your H.

He was on at least one dating app, looking to betray you just for the fun of it and to scratch his ego. That's not falling into a betrayal, that's hunting one out. To me, that's a mindset that will never change. It's the mindset of a person who uses sex as a means when they're bored, feeling unappreciated, just wanting to scratch a wild itch.....

Were it me, trust and faith would be gone permanently.

I might offer this as a possible solution to R- if you are so inclined. I think his personality is that he uses betraying like an alcoholic does with booze. He's an addict. His propensity to betray is his way. Were it me, I would see if there isn't some type of 12-step program for addicts (especially sex addicts) or some form of therapy for him for the remainder of his life. He needs to face his addiction head on and have professional accountability for life- just like alcoholics.

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