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Outoflove2020 posted 7/10/2020 16:33 PM

DottyPotty, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It really is a shit show that they serve us.

I too am on my couch. I moved out of our house a few months ago as there was no chance of reconciliation for us, much as I would have wanted it, so I've been stuck here on my own since Corona hit. It's been bloody awful. I honestly didn't think I would survive this. There are days when I still think I won't. But I'm still here.

And so will you be. I don't it doesn't seem that way now but you will be. This forum has been a LIFESAVER to me. It has really helped me a lot, these folks know what they are talking about.

It is quiet at weekends, which is also a tough time for me now that I'm alone, but I find reading some of the other threads helps with sorting out my feelings.

(((hugs)))

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 16:43 PM

Thank you outoflove x

If you ever want to chat over the weekend just let me know and Iím hear for you to vent to etc.

Iíve already found this group so helpful.

Iím sorry R wasnít an option for you and that you have moved out. Especially with the current lock down, that must feel really isolating for you :(

Iím glad itís not just me on the couch!

Sending hugs xx

[This message edited by DottyPotty at 4:45 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

babbu posted 7/10/2020 17:10 PM

He's cheated recently. Please go read the CDC website or just google syphilis in general and its acquisition.


How quickly do symptoms appear after infection?
The average time between acquisition of syphilis and the start of the first symptom is 21 days, but can range from 10 to 90 days.


I'm very sorry. He's lied again. I'm so, so sorry.

[This message edited by babbu at 5:10 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 7/10/2020 17:58 PM

Just know that lying after the fact or after the exposure day is very common.

However itís just as bad as the actual affair. The damage just keeps getting harder to accept b/c you want the lying to stop yet the cheater continues to lie, thinking itís better than being honest and coming clean.

Your good friends here will always steer you in the right direction. It will get better. You will survive. We all do. Itís just a slow healing process.

And the fact he cheated recently probably means there were multiple women or multiple times. Not just once or twice.

Sometimes itís nit the affair that destroys the marriage. Itís the behavior after the fact that destroys any hope of reconciliation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:58 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

Outoflove2020 posted 7/10/2020 21:03 PM

Dotty - sent you a PM but not sure if you can receive them yet. Hope your evening is going ok.

hardtomove posted 7/10/2020 21:21 PM

Fuck him. There is nothing worse than a sloppy man. He gives less than zero fucks about you. Burn him and the horse he rode in on.

squid posted 7/11/2020 04:23 AM

What is his attitude lately? Is he begging you for a second chance? Or is he just offering excuses?

If it's the former, you may have something to work with. If it's the latter, RUN.

There is almost always, as in 99.9% probability, the likelihood that you don't have the whole truth. And all of his empty promises and grand gestures don't mean a thing. He's got a lot of work to do in order to fix himself and regain your trust. Do you think he's capable of that?

Right now he figures you'll never leave him. He's worn his mask very well. The quote we often use around here is "when a person shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time".

How ironic when people offer apologies they say crap like, "I would normally never do that" or "that just isn't me". Hmmm, your actions don't quite match your words.

As others have said, take your time making major decisions.

It's really shitty what he's done to you. I'm so sorry.

DottyPotty posted 7/11/2020 05:14 AM

Squid, thank you for taking the time to reply. I canít tell you how much I appreciate each and every message or comment Iím receiving.

In terms of his attitude he is showing remorse and guilt. Hard to believe anything tho isnít it. Showing and saying that he wants to work things out. I just need to be certain that this is because he truly wants to and hates what he did, not just because he doesnít want others to find out about his disgusting behaviour.

Heís not offered any excuses. Only when I asked him why the F* would you do that you selfish pri** he replied saying it was stupid, heíd an idiot but he didnít want to have only slept with on person (me - we met when we were 16/17).

Thatís what hurts me. What we had was so precious. To have met someone that young and fallen in love. Why did he have to do that. Eugh. What a dick.

Having read the 180 Iím just continuing on as best as I can. Iím not showing him affection, I canít. He isnít me either as Iíve told Iím I need space. Iím just carrying on going out to see family and friends like Iíd normally do.

He does say that in his mind things are fucked and canít see me forgiving him. So as much as he hopes Iíll stay and wonít leave, I think he deffo knows there is that serious possibility.

Dotty x

Carissima posted 7/11/2020 06:21 AM

I'm sorry but I think your WH is still lying to you.
I looked up some information on how syphilis is passed and it the reputed website said it's initially passed as a painless sore. Once the initial attack is over then the it can lie dormant for decades before becoming active again.
If this is your first attack of genital warts it would indicate the disease was passed recently and not when he told you he cheated. Of course it's possible you had a small sore years ago and didn't notice it.
I would question him more but also think about a polygraph to find out the truth.
The sex 2 times is also likely to be a lie. If you read here long enough you'll see it's a recurring theme. It's almost like cheaters know their spouses won't believe they only had sex once so they say twice because they think it sounds more believable.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. You are the priority now, remember that.

The1stWife posted 7/11/2020 06:32 AM

What are his actions? That is where you can see his commitment.

Any moron can google ďhow do I repair a marriage after infidelityĒ. There are tons of books, podcasts, articles, YouTube videos that he can access.

My H had no chance at reconciliation. Second affair. Second Dday and false reconciliation. Had I known of SI at the time you would have told me to D and rightfully so.

However even though he saw almost no chance he got up off his butt and did something. Every day. He did something to make amends. Was he perfect? No. But he never gave up and never quit even when we hit a rough spot.

My H didnít think I would forgive him. But he was determined to give it his all and try his best to reconcile. Even though I would not help him. He was in his own.

So what is your H doing? Anything besides giving up and throwing in the towel? Because I think he has a window of opportunity.

As do you. I strongly suggest you do nothing to lead him down the path. Because you need to maintain your power and control in your marriage. If you start helping him fix this mess he will continue us to take advantage of you and view you as a doormat.

Ask me how I know. BTDT.

DottyPotty posted 7/11/2020 09:51 AM

Thanks The1stWife.

Did you R after both occasions?
What helped? I want to be strong enough for forgiveness but itís such early days.

He isnít giving up and throwing in the towel. Heís just being his normal self whilst appreciating I need space to deal with the curve ball heís just whacked my way.

PS whatís SI?

[This message edited by DottyPotty at 9:52 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]

traicionada posted 7/11/2020 10:03 AM

Dotty,

SI is short for the Surviving Infidelity site

You mentioned you are working with a medical professional for treatment and additional STI testing; have he/she offered you with a referral for individual counseling?

ShutterHappy posted 7/11/2020 10:36 AM

DottyPotty

A few points...

Your WH cheated on you soon after getting married, ď because he wanted other experiences ď. But he could have broken up with you, date a bunch of women, the eventually decide to settle, like most people do. He didnít, why?

Because he wanted to be in a long term committed relationship and casually dating. This is what he wanted, he used a dating app on purpose and now that you caught him, he suddenly feels remorses.

Now, if you spend some time reading stories here, BS almost never get the truth at the beginning. Something that we read very very often is ďI only had sex twiceĒ. Why twice? Probably because once is too unbelievable, so twice is the ticket.

If you are considering R, make him write a timeline of all his infidelities, then verify it with a Polygraph.

Do you have access to all his conversations on the dating app, or is it all deleted?

R can only be done when you start with the truth. And I (and others) strongly suspect you donít have it yet.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 10:37 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]

squid posted 7/11/2020 11:00 AM

This right here...

He does say that in his mind things are fucked and canít see me forgiving him. So as much as he hopes Iíll stay and wonít leave, I think he deffo knows there is that serious possibility.

...Is a very common among WS's. It's another way of saying they don't want to really do the work.

If he's just sitting on his ass "just being his normal self whilst appreciating you need space" then he's not DOING anything to be a better partner.

It's easy to sit back and do nothing. He should be proactively looking for counselors, reading literature, digging deep into his "why's". I will tell you, if you are the one doing all the work, this will not go well for you. You cannot do the work of two people. In fact, he should be doing the lion's share of the work.

His excuse has got to be the dumbest one I've heard yet.

The1stWife posted 7/11/2020 12:34 PM

DP

First 4 year was an EA. He denied it. He believed no sex = no affair. She also pretended to be my friend to have even more contact with him. It got ugly in the last heís months and it finally ended. And was rugswept. Never mentioned again. Life returned to normal. Both of us happy.

Last affair was mostly EA but they did kiss a few times. However he was planning to D me. Typical mid life crisis affair. He spent the better part of 6-9 months with one foot out the door.

Thatís when I took back all my power and control at Dday 2. Either things changed or we were done. He realized he pushed me too far and I was no longer a doormat. The game had changed and he needed to realize the old me was no longer. Nothing was negotiable.

My H also stopped lying about the A b/c he realized continued lying wasnít helping.

Hurtmyheart posted 7/11/2020 15:47 PM

"Point is - the cheater never changed. They did the crying routine and made empty promises. But as soon as the dust settled ó they went right back to cheating."


What 1stwife said!

It appears that my deceased WH did "just enough" until the dust settled. Then it seemed that he knew he could flirt with other women because he knew that I wouldn't leave him.

Please don't be too quick to make any decisions. Give your emotions time to settle down and then you can decide. I know from my own experiences, I could never trust my WH again.

DottyPotty posted 7/12/2020 00:38 AM

Guys Iím really struggling. Hardly slept.

H has calmed down from his crying and begging me to stay and Iím not sure if I like whatís underneath. Now heís saying he needs time to figure out why he did what he did and is pointing out some issues in our relationship (loss of affection, intimacy). This are all on his side which pisses me off. Not that I condone the cheating but I said to him itíd make more sense if it was I who did the dirty as I feel neglected.

So Iím not sat crying wondering why Iím not enough and that my H possibly doesnít find me attractive enough to stay.

Feel like Iíve lost all my control since yesterday.

squid posted 7/12/2020 09:16 AM

He is making this all about himself. He is being selfish, not empathetic.

He is not a safe partner. He's blaming everything and everyone else but himself.

nekonamida posted 7/12/2020 09:55 AM

Dotty, his reason for cheating has NOTHING to do with you. You said yourself - he initiated the lack of intimacy. You were in the same marriage and you didn't cheat. He could have talked to you, asked for MC, or even broken up with you but instead he cheated. That's all on him.

What he's saying is an attempt to blame you for his bad choices that you had no part of. Don't accept it. Don't apologize for it. And don't stay if he refuses to accept full responsibility for his cheating. You can't R if he is blaming you for the A.

knowingmystance posted 7/12/2020 12:07 PM

Yours is VERY similar to my D-Day story (well, pre-D-Day story in my case, as I didn't get a confession right away and had to find out the even harder way). I am so sorry, I know exactly how you must feel.

As I wrote in my own topic: In my case, it was the tip of the iceberg and I regret going down the rabbit hole during my R attempts. I am sure I didn't get the whole truth, but what I got in my XW's partial confession and answers (under tears) was simply horrifying. It's never just "two occasions". The fact that there's STD involved might suggest a sexually "experienced" (i.e. depraved) other party who might have done stuff with your H you wouldn't have (meaning at the same time your H having an interest in those acts and doing them to another woman; I don't want to sound like a prude, but I know my limits). At least that was what I had to deal with.

There's also another angle to consider: He must have contracted the infection as well. It is possible that he is crying now because he's afraid no woman in her right mind would date him now, and not because he is so remorseful. With the disease under control he might repeat his "mistake".

It's good that you are able to vent here on the forum. Maybe you have some dear friends who are also able to help you. My team of guardian angels: the doctor who treated the STDs, a friend who was rather militant and helped reactivate my instincts, another who was the voice of reason (it was a wake-up call when he said, get the f* out of that marriage, it's been destroyed way beyond repair), a colleague at work who covered for me when I was not able to work, and, finally, my new partner. It took me more than a month, though (edit: in fact, three months), before I was able to reach out for help.

[This message edited by knowingmystance at 2:25 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]

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