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DottyPotty posted 7/9/2020 15:27 PM

Where the heck do I even start?

So background is me and H have been together 12 years, married just under 1 year. I discovered what I thought was a genital wart a few months ago which shocked me and resulted in a trip to the gynae and biopsies. They confirmed warts but reassured me that this can lay dormant for many years so I presumed I picked it up long before I met H.

They recommended a full screen so I agreed. I found out 2 days ago I have syphilis. I am in absolute turmoil and canít sleep or eat. Needless to say this raised several Qs and I shared my results with H. This lead to a confession that he had been with another woman on 2 occasions. Once whilst I was on my hen do (just great) and the other time 3-4 months after our wedding.

What hurts is that he was never going to tell me if I didnít have an STD. The fact he didnít even use protection and put my heath at risk. The fact he could have a child out there and not know. Head spinning.

Iím in shock mode. And feel angry so much so I canít even cry. I donít know what this means for me or for us. Heís been all Iíve known for 12 years. I canít even look at him.

Looking for support to guide me through these early days please.

Dotty x

fooledbyapilot posted 7/9/2020 15:33 PM

So sorry you are going thru this. It's probably not the whole story. You are more than likely hearing the tip of the iceberg. You need to find out who these women are and if he is still involved in any way. That will be the difficult part

DottyPotty posted 7/9/2020 15:50 PM

Thank you for replying so quickly. At such a loss.
He says it was the same person twice that he met on a dating app. I feel disgusting knowing Iíve caught something so serious and worse, through no fault of my own.

H feeling very guilty and sorry for himself. So good to have a place to vent. I feel so angry it was actually whilst on my hen do. And the fact it was twice so not just a drunken ONS or something (that still wouldnít be ok).

Feel so naive as did not expect this from him. He says he didnít want me to be the only person heís slept with in his life. Worth risking a marriage over?!!!

Needtosurvive posted 7/9/2020 15:58 PM

Iím so sorry u are feeling this, itís been 6 weeks since my dday. I hurt so much and itís unbearable but I know my good days are out there. Do not believe what he tells u, he has already proven what type of person he is. U deserve better than this, all our betrayed folks do!!!
So sorry lovely, u are better than this situation x

DottyPotty posted 7/9/2020 16:03 PM

Iím so grateful for this safe place to talk and just put my feelings down somewhere instead of spinning around my head. I havenít told anyone else. Too embarrassed.

I just donít know if I can get through this. I donít yet know if I want to. He has done something I could never have ever done to him. I canít imagine right now ever being physical with him again.

He is sleeping like a baby and Iím a nervous wreck on here. Donít get me wrong he has been a mess too. Stayed off work and been physically sick. Probably due to getting caught out.

Definitely feel like I donít know the full truth yet. Probably never will. Thatís whatís hard.

fareast posted 7/9/2020 17:44 PM


Sorry you ended up here, but you will receive good support. Your WH is a real jerk for putting your health at risk. Read in the healing library. You are still in shock. Most importantly, take care of your health. Take in food as best you can. Get sleep, with aids if necessary. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. It is hard to wrap your head around the betrayal. Give yourself time. If you have a close friend or family to confide in. Give yourself some space. Donít make any decisions about your relationship right now. Give yourself time. See an attorney to learn your rights. Again, very sorry you are here.

[This message edited by fareast at 5:54 PM, July 9th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/9/2020 18:09 PM

You'd be smart to kick him out. You haven't mentioned who these women are. They could be hookers for all you know. And if that's the case, no telling how deep the rabbit hole goes.

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 01:13 AM

Thank you all

With regards to the women, he claims only one (same one on 2 occasions). I outright asked him when i found out about my STD if it was a prostitute as I was told by my Dr how rare the disease is.

I slept quite well. Today is a new day and can only help to feel a bit more sane about everything.

I really appreciate everyone replying to me and offering support. Itís really what I need right now.

Dotty x

The1stWife posted 7/10/2020 04:15 AM

He says he didnít want me to be the only person heís slept with in his life.

You realize he planned to cheat. Planned. This.

This statement alone is a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.

I am so sorry for you. You should be in the honeymoon phase of your Marriage. Not going through an STD and infidelity.

Heís an entitled selfish jerk. That statement above says it all.

I will give you the benefit of my experience. I have about 15 or so friends and family members who were cheated on prior to their marriage. They forgave the BF/GF or fiancťe/ fiancť.

Everyone was cheated on during the marriage. Some were serial cheaters while others were occasional cheaters. Some divorced. Others stayed married but with deep regrets.

Point is - the cheater never changed. They did the crying routine and made empty promises. But as soon as the dust settled ó they went right back to cheating.

Take this for what itís worth.

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 04:47 AM

I really donít know what to do guys

Iím out the house today which is good but not on my own so canít vent or talk about it. Putting on a brave face and acting is exhausting.

Is there any hope?

Lalagirl posted 7/10/2020 04:48 AM


I'm so sorry, sweetie. I think his "confession" of "two occasions" is a boatload of horseshit.

Do not sleep with him until he gets tested (full panel, just like you) - if you are being treated, he could reinfect you.

If it were me, given the seriousness of this awful STD and its potential dangers, I would have him take a polygraph to see if this is the only OW. I have a sinking feeling it is not.

You don't need to make any decisions now regarding R or D; you do, however, need to take care of your physical and emotional health whilst you are healing from the STD - hydrate, eat nutritious food, exercise, practice relaxation techniques. Take care of you for now. See an IC if possible.

As far as your WH is concerned, he needs to GTFO of your marital bed at the very least. Look up the 180 in the Healing Library and implement it. This will also help you regain some control whilst you take the time to care for yourself.

Keep posting here - we will be here to support you as you get out of infidelity, no matter what path that may be.

Sending strength & hugs,


edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 4:49 AM, July 10th (Friday)]

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 04:53 AM

Thank you so much Lalagirl.
He had full STD check yesterday and Iíve explained I will need so see all results when they come back (should be next week).

Canít ever imagine sleeping with him again. Havenít even touched him since I found out.

Donít know where to access a polygraph (am not USA based, donít know if they have them where I live or their reliability?).

Thank you for highlighting I donít need to make a decision regarding R right now as Iím putting that pressure on myself.

Going to find an IC to talk to for sure.

Dotty x

Lalagirl posted 7/10/2020 06:40 AM

Donít know where to access a polygraph

Hoping one of our non-US based SI friends will chime in to help with this.

One day, one moment at a time. Do something good for you this weekend. Are spas open where you are yet? I think a mani/pedi/massage would do you good. You need to escape this hell if only for a few hours.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:41 AM, July 10th (Friday)]

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 06:59 AM

Spaís not open just yet here unfortunately.
Will have a pamper day at home myself. Canít really kick him out as nowhere is open to stay and donít want family to know. I know that isnít my problem to solve.

Thinking of booking a weekend or a week away myself once treatment completed.

Explains why Iíve been feeling ill for so long now. Iím so thankful I found out. The long term affects of syphilis are life changing, even death (over 10-20 years).

Iím a regular blood donor so hope it wouldíve been picked up then if I didnít find out this way.

Marie2792 posted 7/10/2020 09:28 AM

He is not worthy right now of reconciliation.

He set out to have sex with another woman. He is feeling sorry for himself. Thatís different than being sorry for what he did to you and showing remorse.

Please take care of yourself. Try to get into counseling which could be hard in the pandemic.

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 11:19 AM

Can someone please point me in the direction of the 180. Is it in the healing library? I can only find the summary version and guidelines on here. TY x

Lalagirl posted 7/10/2020 15:00 PM

Here you go, sweetheart. Please don't be discouraged by the lack of responses; late Fridays and weekends are very slow. Come Monday, we'll be back (((HUGS)))

This is the simplified version written by one of our long-time awesome vets.

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 15:33 PM

Thanks for the link and explaining weekends can be quiet on here. Itís hard as when Iím at work Iím busy so mind doesnít wonder as much. Weekends are the worse 💔

Lalagirl posted 7/10/2020 16:01 PM

Hang in there; we're going to get you through this. Yes, we are strangers, but we are strangers who care and want you to be happy and whole. No one is conspiring against you to try to force you to D your WH...I promise. We are only trying to get you out of infidelity...and that in and of itself is one hell of a trek.

We've got you!

DottyPotty posted 7/10/2020 16:25 PM

Thank you so much lalagirl.
Iím just chilling on the sofa in the lounge. will likely stay here. Canít bear to sleep next to H. Heís trying hard but right now canít bear normal chit chat with him and pretend nothings happened. Feel suffocated. Have read the 180 and a lot of things Iím already doing which is a start I guess.

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