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How Can I Show Her?

Fugari03 posted 7/5/2020 11:10 AM

Hey guys. In need of a little help/advice.

I trickle-truthed my BS for almost 2 years about my A. I got most of (what I believed to be) the "pertinent" facts out at the beginning of all of this (that we only kissed, the A was for attention, and that we had gone to lunch...all true). I know that in order for my BS to heal, I should've been honest and come clean when I was first asked and caught. I did end the A (did this in front of my BS) and haven't seen, or spoken to AP since. I told her the final bits of the truth (some extra time I had spent with AP that I had never told her about) around a month in a half or 2 months ago. I have been in therapy for almost 2 years, and have always been honest to my therapist. We have been through 2 MC's and are now on the 3rd. She really likes this one, so I'm hoping we can make some progress.

Basically what I'm looking for are ways I can prove to my BS that I've gotten the truth out. To show her that I have bared my soul to her. I told her that when we go to therapy (she has said she doesn't want me proving anything until we have a "good" therapist) we can all figure out what I could do to satisfy my BS. I already have some thing in mind like; turning in my phone for forensic testing, so she can see the deleted texts from my phone during the A. Also, taking a full-disclosure polygraph test and messaging AP. I know that in my BS eyes, I'm a liar and untrustworthy. I understand why she feels that way and she has every right to. I've proven myself to be a liar, a cheater, the source of her sadness, and of course, the person who caused her more pain than she ever thought possible. I've told her that I love her more than enough to let her go, if she can't be happy with me. I want to be with her more than anything, but I have to accept it if she doesn't feel the same way. Until I can prove the truth to her, everything else seems pointless.

This is much longer than I intended, so thanks to the people who have read through to the end. In short, just looking on some ideas on how to prove I'm being completely honest with her now. The trickling was about how many times I went to lunch with her, and that we actually kissed 3 times and not the 1 time I told her about. Also about some time she didn't know I spent with AP. I hid the "insignificant" details because I had already gotten the "big" things out of the way and didn't want to hurt her with anything that didn't "really" matter. I understand my errors and the poor decisions I've made in thinking that way. Now, I'm here, at the bottom, I've given her all there is to know and (no surprise) she doesn't believe me. Again, thanks for reading this, and extra thanks for any constructive feedback (good or bad).

MrCleanSlate posted 7/6/2020 09:58 AM

Fugari,

Trickle truth can be a hard thing to try to recover from. Your BS has no reason to believe anything, heck I came clean from the get go and it still took 4 years to regain some trust.

Write out as detailed a timeline as you can so you can share this with your spouse. Don't hold back things. Little details will matter.

If you still have any evidence of the A - make it available to your BS to read. Dig deep - any back up files that might have something, alternate emails, whatever.

Share all your passwords.

If there is some more truths that come out during this process so be it. But don't try to cover it up.

If you really want a chance at R you need to do some heavy lifting in figuring out your whys and also showing your BS you are worth the grace of being offered R. Actions will speak volumes. I don't buy that giving your phone over today or doing a polygraph will change how your BS feels - those are snippets which may or may not reveal some facts. What your BS needs to know is are you safe and worth the effort.


Fugari03 posted 7/6/2020 13:50 PM

I wish I had come clean at the beginning. Things would be so much easier for my BS. I have already shared all of my passwords and access to all of my accounts. I've never had any alternate email, or any hidden ways of communicating. I've tried accessing the files for deleted messages, but it wasn't turned on originally, so there was nothing there. I have been in counseling for almost 2 years now and I know why I've made these horrible decisions, it just comes down to facing them and ultimately fixing them. Since I know why, it's been easier for me to recognize the patterns and behaviors that led me to this point and stop myself from lying and making poor choices.

I am trying to show her now, instead of giving her lots of words and empty promises. I've been showing her in my actions, and I won't stop doing that. Thank you so much for your advice and for taking the time to read my post.

MrCleanSlate posted 7/6/2020 14:01 PM

Fugari,

Lots of little things you can do.

I Became very reliable. If I said I was going to do something (get milk, wash a cup, whatever) I made damn sure I did it. I became really good at writing out lists as a result.

I became very punctual. If I said I would be home by 5pm then I I was home by 5pm or calling as soon as I realized I would be late (not at 5:01 to apologize).

And if I was out late at work or at my moms, etc I made a habit of sending a photo of where I was, or a selfie - proof of place.

It takes a lot of effort to rebuild some trust. The thing is all trust is blown. You are suspect if you don't answer the phone by the 3rd ring.

And don't lie about anything, or omit details, to your BS - even about little things. It will bite you in the ass if you do.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 2:06 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

JBWD posted 7/7/2020 20:03 PM

Gotta tell you what a remarkably insightful friend of mine frequently reminds me of- You are now off of any prescribed timeline.

Bear in mind that you spent two years telling her you were being completely honest, but weren’t. I think you’ve probably seen enough here to know that that is far more destructive than the act of betrayal in the first place. You knew exactly how you hurt her, but continued to quietly do so for your own comfort...

My suggestion is to give up on trying to prove anything. Trying to convince your BW is at this stage wasted effort and is better served conserving energy for a time in the future when she’s ready to address her healing with you.

All the other “tips and tricks” send the message that you’re looking for a way out of this, and where you are now there’s not a shortcut out.

My advice is to keep just showing up, and if there’s something she could use that she articulates is helpful, do that. But do that for her, not to prove something on your behalf.

LastChanceDaddy posted 7/7/2020 20:23 PM

First of all. You are a liar. I am a liar. We have to accept that and sit in it and own it. We have not been safe because of that. And finally, we have done the ultimate. Fed our wives a huge shit sandwich. And mine had a fat whore on top. My point is, you are not safe. Have not been for probably longer than you have been married. There is nothing you can do or say to the contrary. This does not mean you and your situation is hopeless. You need to stop trying to show her. She sees what you do everyday. All you can do is get yourself together, start living in the truth and doing what is right. You have sewed weeds for years. You are going to reap weeds. You start seeing flowers you will continue to reap weeds for a long time. A long time means a long time. You do what is right.
IC
MC
Fix your boundary issues
Get out of your way and sit with her in the shit you have caused when she is triggered and flooding. AKA.. empathy
Be a better man for you your family and then possibly for the two of you. If you make it.

Proving you are good and trying to save your marriage is upside down.

Helping her heal and being with her in this quagmire you created. That is being not doing. This is the only way to truly possibly “prove” anything.


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