Milk posted 6/26/2020 13:44 PM

My wife’s phone was buzzing one night after midnight. She got up to go to the bathroom. I’ve never looked at her phone or through her things, I trusted her implicitly. Something was weird about it though, so I looked to see if her phone was on the night table, but she has taken it with her. So I went into the bathroom and she was texting. She put the phone on the floor face down to hide it. I picked it up and instantly I knew.

I started to shake, I now realize I was in shock. She started to say “let me explain”, and “I will always love you”... I left our home, and went and got my mother. She was the only person I thought I could get. Initially I got her for moral support but now I’m so glad she was there as a witness.

After getting my mother I went back to our condo. I told my wife to get out. I still had her phone. All she wanted was her phone back. She must have asked for it twenty times. She also didn’t want to leave. She kept insisting she would just sleep on the floor or in the third bedroom. I finally convinced her to leave. This was about 1am. She came back later around 4am and insisted she stay again, but again I kicked her out. I was yelling at this point.

The next day she came back and said I had grabbed her arm and left a bruise, but this was after she told me she would not allow me to file for divorce with adultry. In the 10 years, 6 married there has never been any hint of abuse, so it doesn’t bother me much, except I am sure she has related her version to her side of family.

Five days later she phoned me and said Its been five days and I should get over it. She has been aggressive and cruel. She has not apologized or shown any remorse, and says that I dictate everything.. I know it’s classic defensive maneuvering, but it still hurts. She has the support of her family, I am sure she has not been honest with them.

The problem is we have children and I cannot simply cut off contact. I have filed for divorce and will be going through with it. If she had shown any remorse, and quit her job (the other person works with her) I would try to reconcile for the children, but her actions have caused so much pain and she has been so disrespectful I simply do not want to.

The problem is I don’t know how to heal without any remorse shown on her side. I want her to cry with me about the whole situation but she obviously moved on long ago and has come to terms with her decision. I know In time I will be better off, but the fact that I have to see this person Scares me. How do I not get triggered and have this anger and sadness not show up every time I have to speak with her.

We are currently dong week on/off for the kids. But I also agreed for one FaceTime a week. I give her her privacy when these calls are going on, but the last time I had to go into another room as well so I could not hear her voice 100% because it was giving me anxiety.

How do I get past this hate and anger? It’s been three weeks, and I know this pain is only hurting me. I wrote her a letter thanking her for our time together and saying goodbye. I also forgave her, not to get her back but because I though it would help me. I don’t want to hate or anything else. But I realize it probably only helped her justify her actions if she is already forgiven. I just want to move on. I look forward to indifference, and I know I am the better person, but I also know based on her actions that shame and remorse are not going to get her to do the right thing. How do I accept this?

I feel so devastated and like I have been reading, it’s simply my cross to bear. I want to scream to the world what a piece of garbage she is. She deserves to suffer, but I know the world enough to know that often good people do the suffering and there is no redress.

I’m going to therapy, exercising, reading, taking care of myself, but I am so scared I will not ever stop hating. Help.

ChamomileTea posted 6/26/2020 14:24 PM

The problem is I don’t know how to heal without any remorse shown on her side. I want her to cry with me about the whole situation but she obviously moved on long ago and has come to terms with her decision. I know In time I will be better off, but the fact that I have to see this person Scares me. How do I not get triggered and have this anger and sadness not show up every time I have to speak with her.

You don't need your WS to show remorse if you're intent on D. In fact, true remorse on the part of a WS just makes that decision more difficult. The fact that she's showing her ass works to your favor when you really want to be done because it's a constant reminder of why you chose to divorce.

In terms of how you handle interactions... there's a cool little technique called "gray rock". You can look it up online using keywords, "gray rock psychopath". Read the articles you find. In a nutshell though, you become a really boring target, so boring that the cheater isn't getting fuel for their ego. You're just a "gray rock", offering nothing of interest, interested in nothing.

Remember that what you're feeling now is temporary and finite. You won't always feel this way. You're only a few weeks out from having your family dynamic blown to smithereens. Your feelings are NORMAL... and temporary and finite.

Other tricks...
Imagine that whatever interaction you need to have with your STBX is going to be seen by a family court judge. So, try to keep your communications in email so you've got a nice fat paper trail of what's been going on and who's been doing what. When you imagine the family court judge reading your words, you'll choose them carefully because YOU want to be viewed as the sane one.

Try a parenting app. There are some good ones out there and this too will reduce direct communications with the STBX. Most are paid, but worth the money as they are also admissible court evidence.

Allow yourself to be too damned stubborn to act like the bastard she's twisted you up in her mind to be. The WS goes through a whole series of mental gymnastics to make us out to be the bad guy. Keep your voice soft. Keep your opinion to yourself. Don't feed into the image she created which allowed her to make an adversary of you. I don't know about you, but if I'm asked for Pure Stubborn, it comes naturally.

Deny ego kibbles. For the ego-centric, can't get enough attention cheater all drama is GOOD drama. Drama reassures her of her own centrality. Your tears, your upset, and even your hostility reassure her of her importance. Again, we rely on sheer dumb stubbornness and refrain from becoming narcissistic supply.

Lots and lots of BS's fall into the trap of thinking that if their WS could somehow understand the hurt and the damage, things would be better. We'd heal faster or maybe even reconcile. But the unremorseful cheater is too self-involved for all that. What they see instead is affirmation of their great importance in your life, and they're willing to use that in order to get more time in their affair fantasy, or a better deal in their settlement, or even just the raw pleasure of thinking they're so unforgettable that you can't do without them. Why would you give an active cheater a gift like that?

Anyway, have some faith that you're going to be okay. We all know the pain. It's the worst hurt most of us have ever had. But we're getting through it, and you will too. Believe it.

Strength to you as you process.

ETA: One more thing that helps with the interactions... IGNORE anything she says to you about her feelings or the state of the relationship. Just toss it out as chaff. You only respond to questions about finances, children, and the divorce settlement (if appropriate), otherwise, give her nothing. She's no longer a trusted insider and is undeserving of the intimate details of your life or your thoughts. Divorce is a severing of the partnership. So treat it as business.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 2:35 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

Okokok posted 6/26/2020 14:26 PM

Hi, I'm so sorry you're finding yourself here, but this is the best place to be under the circumstances. You can get lots of help here from people who have been exactly where you are.

Please be sure to check out the Healing Library on the lefthand side of the page and read all you can there, especially the BS FAQ and the articles.

Five days later she phoned me and said Its been five days and I should get over it. She has been aggressive and cruel. She has not apologized or shown any remorse, and says that I dictate everything.. I know it’s classic defensive maneuvering, but it still hurts.

Defensive maneuvering, sure, but they are also signs that the affair continues. This is how people actively in affairs act. Just an FYI.

People who *aren't* in affairs but are losing everything scramble big time to try and save things. Doesn't sound like that's what she's doing.

The problem is I don’t know how to heal without any remorse shown on her side. I want her to cry with me about the whole situation but she obviously moved on long ago and has come to terms with her decision. I know In time I will be better off, but the fact that I have to see this person Scares me. How do I not get triggered and have this anger and sadness not show up every time I have to speak with her.

Yes, unfortunately it's something you have to do on your own. She won't get there anytime soon, and it's likely she never will.

I totally get your wish for this. I wanted it too. It just doesn't come, especially if she's still in contact with this guy (which she is if they work together).

You could blow up the affair at work and with her family and probably see something different, but at this point, if you're moving forward with D, it probably doesn't matter.

Big question: does the AP (affair partner) have a wife or significant other?

How do I get past this hate and anger? It’s been three weeks, and I know this pain is only hurting me. I wrote her a letter thanking her for our time together and saying goodbye. I also forgave her, not to get her back but because I though it would help me. I don’t want to hate or anything else. But I realize it probably only helped her justify her actions if she is already forgiven. I just want to move on. I look forward to indifference, and I know I am the better person, but I also know based on her actions that shame and remorse are not going to get her to do the right thing. How do I accept this?

Get ready for the ride of a lifetime. You will get there, but of course it's going to take a hell of a lot longer than three weeks.

I'm sorry. There's no other way but walking the coals just like everyone else. But you will get there. Processing and posting here as much as you can will help. Getting into counseling, exercising, taking care of yourself, focusing on your kids, picking up new or old hobbies...these are all helpful. But you have to walk the walk.

Again, sorry.

[This message edited by Okokok at 2:31 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

goalong posted 6/26/2020 14:43 PM

Anger is like holding a hot coal to throw at the target - you are the one get burned (Buddha's saying). So just forget about that kind of thoughts. I know it is easier said. Hold your head straight and do your other things even better. It is sexy when you function well despite adversity. Do not shout with anger. What has happened has happened. This has been longtime in the making . She is selfish and tug you along until she is sure. But rest assured the POS may look different to her if she start living with him 24/7. Or even he may dump her now that everything is in the open. The cheater need to know s/he has a caring spouse at home to enjoy cheating. Now she does not have that background.
Looks like this is an exit affair and it seems you have accepted it. If she start telling what is wrong with you or marriage remind her of her dishonesty and putting even your health at risk

[This message edited by goalong at 2:43 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

Bor9455 posted 6/26/2020 14:52 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Robert22205https posted 6/26/2020 14:57 PM

Notify the other man's wife or girlfriend. Exposure is one of the few consequences of adultery.

Do not allow them to make you complicit in their adultery by you keeping silent.

Talk to a lawyer about how divorce will impact you and to build a plan.

Get checked for STDs.

There's nothing you did or said that caused her to cheat. Her decision to cheat (vs other options) is 100% on her.

WilliamM posted 6/26/2020 15:07 PM

Notify the other man's life and notify. I would also consider notifying HR at her job that an affair is going on. She is trying to paint you as a monster. I would share just a bit of the information you have to her parents so they can know what is going on. She is angry and is trying to hurt you. Protect yourself. Also carry a VAR with you so you can protect yourself. Record every interaction so she can not claim that you did or said something you didn't.

fareast posted 6/26/2020 15:19 PM

You have received great advice. Sorry you are here. Do not engage. Become a gray rock. Do not descend to her level. Use your anger to detach and move forward. Notify the OM’s spouse, OBS, of the A ASAP. She deserves to know she is living a lie and her health is in danger. You are still in shock from the trauma. Exercise. Eat Healthy. Protein shakes. Take care of you and your kids. No contact other than about kids, finances and divorce. Look into a parenting app to help you deal with the interactions. Communicate by email only. Gives you a written record. Ignore any attempts at blameshifting, or worse, trying to be you friend. She is not your friend. Friends don’t lie and betray you, and stab you in the back. Carry a VAR to protect yourself from a false DV charge. Be vigilant. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:04 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

Westway posted 6/26/2020 15:29 PM

Her lack of remorse indicates the affair is still ongoing. As long as she knows she has another tree branch to swing to, she'll hang on to yours until the last moment. She expects you to fold, so don't.

I'm sorry this happened to you. You are now a member of a club you never wanted to be in. Read up on The 180 and practice it.

barkplugs posted 6/26/2020 15:34 PM

Terrible situation - I hate it for you.

I'm assuming that she has photo documented the bruise on her arm. That's a disgusting and sick approach. You may need video evidence or a VAR and a friendly witness to any in person interactions from now on.

Agreed with the poster who says to document everything in writing, all communications over email - EVERYTHING. Family court sucks bad enough so don't put yourself in the position of looking unprepared because they will look at you as if you don't take it seriously enough.

Also, be careful not to damage her income source if she works. If alimony and child support is in the cards, revenge could bite you here.

Robert22205https posted 6/26/2020 15:43 PM

Carry a VAR. There's a couple on amazon that look and act like a pen but record too.

The1stWife posted 6/26/2020 16:31 PM

I’m sorry you are suffering and had to join our infidelity club. You will get great advice and support here.

One thing you may want to be prepared for is when you tell the other betrayed spouse about the affair, your wife’s affair partner may immediately dump her in an attempt to reconcile with his wife. If that were to happen there’s a good chance that your wife will decide she suddenly wants to “reconcile” with you.

You need to be prepared in case that occurs. Given that you have children, you don’t want them to see that she is coming and going and coming and going. I’m not saying that you definitely need to divorce her, but I am saying you need to be prepared for the love bombing and her attempt to make amends Should her circumstances change with the other man.

Okokok posted 6/26/2020 17:34 PM

Also, be careful not to damage her income source if she works.

Some are advising you to expose at work, but what barkplugs says is really important if you're definitely getting a divorce. Think long and hard about it.

If it doesn't matter to you that she loses her job, then by all means, expose if you'd like.

Buffer posted 6/26/2020 18:08 PM

Brother Milk,
So sorry you are in the shit sandwich club

All the good folk have provided great advice, take on board what you need. Remember, your STBX isn’t the person who married you. The duration of the A is applicable here, could she be pregnant to the POS? I mean no disrespect but some here will suggest DNA checks for your children. VAR at all times and text or email conversations are the better options. Always listen to your legal advice regardless what is advised by friends or family.
If you inform her work about the WPA, it may come back and bite you on the bum in the settlement phase. Expose her wayward ways to all but not your children; just let them know mom has left the marriage.

She will try to manipulate the situation blame shift onto you, don’t enter into any arguments as advised be that grey rock.

Keep up your self esteem. Strength to you during this time.
One day at a time
Buffer

Milk posted 6/26/2020 18:33 PM

Thank you for the responses. I have told her work, her partner was stealing as well, there are texts confirming that. Nothing has happened. She is vital to the business, so I can see them simply overlooking things. As well, I probably just sound like a vindictive husband to them. It’s just another nail in my heart that she will face zero consequences.

The other wife knows about it. Her husband actually told her about the affair. At least she got that, I had to find out or I never would have known. I spoke with the other wife, she has two young daughters just like I do. She decided to take her husband back. I don’t know how she puts up with them still working together... I could never let myself be put in that situation and I won’t. But even after he ended it or said he did, my wife was still going after him. Her text messages were horrifying to read. She damaged another family who also had two young daughters, she has just acted so cruelly.

I spoke with my wife’s mother today. She is as heartless as her daughter. She said things like “it was just a little kiss”. So she has been told all these half truths but she willingly accepts them. She has always been like that though. I was trying to speak to her husband actually but she picked up. So again, no consequences.

I got an std test, on my 40th birthday to boot, quite the present. I will be getting a DNA test for my younger daughter. My oldest looks like me, I don’t really believe my youngest is not mine, but nothing seems like it’s true anymore.

We were intimate up to the end. We kissed each other after coming home from work. We took the kids to the playground and all played tag and hide and go seek together. The night I caught my wife, we had been curled up on the couch sharing a blanket talking about our day at work. I caught her on a Friday, on Monday she sent me divorce papers through a mediation company. I have since hired a lawyer and will be proceeding with the divorce, but she has tried to frame it that the marriage was so bad and the affair does not matter because she wanted to end the relationship anyway.

I’m just lost. It’s only been three weeks, I understand I’m still coming to terms with this. But I just don’t know about the universe when people so blatantly get away with things. I have accepted if she hasn’t apologized by now, anything she says will not help me heal. It’s just so hard to accept, one day you are eating together as a family, the next your life is destroyed and you have to shoulder the burden of everything.

Thank you again for the responses. I know many people have gone through this and even worse, and I feel true empathy for all of you. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I just don’t understand what is going on.

thatbpguy posted 6/26/2020 18:37 PM

Not for revenge or to show your side, but out her. On social media, her work (threaten to sue if her boy toy is a superior in any position stating it was part of his job requirements for her)… It's really the peer pressure and it's also the truth that protects you most. If he is married, you also have an obligation to tell his wife (or partner). By so doing it will cool her jets a bit as well.

fareast posted 6/26/2020 19:08 PM

Sorry that you are going through this. Your WW is exceptionally cruel. The hard fact is that this is all terribly unfair to you and your children. Your WW is a fraud as a mother and a W. She pretended to be something she isn’t. Th e sooner you can accept that she is simply a fraud, the faster you will heal. She will continue to be a fraud her entire life. You may think she got away with it. Maybe. But the good news is it’s not your problem anymore. Given what you just wrote you really need to protect yourself legally from her as best you can. Get a separation agreement ASAP. No contact equals no new hurts. Only very minimal contact concerning transfer of kids and custody. She will try to engage you and hurt you.

Her OM has dumped her and she will be lashing out. Right now she is on her own. Keep it that way.

Also, I would not allow her to set the narrative with friends and family. If she continues to blame the M, you can set the record straight as you wish. Just be smart and be sure the timing is right with th D process not to hurt your legal position. It’s unfair. But you are free from a relationship with a cruel, evil person.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:55 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

goalong posted 6/26/2020 19:41 PM

she is in affair fog and may be believing everything the OM says. She may also be cocky because of her position in the company. The reality is slowly rolling out. Such as everyone in the workplace will get to know, the OBS may force the POS to distance, she is going to face the social impacts. It is good idea to sue the company (after everything settled if you are too busy now) based on their disregard for your concerns. Also it is good to have one or few people who care about you to talk about how to navigate this unexpected situation.
She is still going after him? Expect drama - looks like POS is getting what he asked for. If he really wants to keep the marriage he will not like this. Their workplace also will become toxic. Also judging from the speed which she doing all this she may be heading for a bad relapse.

[This message edited by goalong at 7:59 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

Stinger posted 6/26/2020 19:46 PM

This is not unusual, the cruelty. Many cheaters are personality Disordered. Lack of empathy is the hallmark of personality disorders.

It is unlikely, IMO, you will ev err get an apology and if you do, it will be to attempt to manipulate you.

I went through this, as well. And, many of these types are very good at image management. You can bet she is painting you in a bad light.

I simply ignored the smearing. Those who knew me would never believe it. Those weak minded cheerleaders, who are he fuck cares.

The1stWife posted 6/27/2020 06:55 AM

She’s going down the rabbit hole with the mindset that she’s never going to admit she was wrong. She didn’t cheat but if she did it’s your fault b/c the marriage was bad.

Maybe you are lucky she is choosing D. I say that b/c dealing with someone right her mindset and attitude can be so much worse. No remorse. No regret. No sense of loss. No caring that she is destroying people.

I hate to see a family destroyed. But she’s choosing this path without even trying to R. Cut the strings and run. Refuse to face your mistakes. Bury your head in the sand. Lame everyone else.

Typical cheater behavior. I’m sorry for you and your children.

If the OM is “reconciling” - is the A over or is it that he’s still continuing the A and the OM is lying to his wife? Maybe you need to inform the other betrayed wife with more recent evidence the affair is on-going.