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Busted Wife in an Affair

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The1stWife posted 8/19/2020 09:37 AM

I hope it works out for you. I know the pain of the ďnow you know everythingĒ routine over and over.

Just remember sometimes itís nit the affair that kills the marriage but the behavior after Dday that does.

Finding out how long the affair occurred on your own is just one aspect. Her refusing to be completely honest is another.

beenthereinco posted 8/19/2020 09:37 AM

Also do not be fooled by her willingness and enthusiasm initially for the polygraph. You said that before she agreed immediately to the poly and you know now that she was lying to you when she did it. She may agree to the poly now but find a way out of it later or maybe she thinks she can beat it. Most likely you will get a confession right before the poly of something she hasn't told you and then she will say that now that you know everything you don't need the poly. Don't fall for it. There will be more. There are plenty of people on here that had a Wayward Spouse agree to a poly, tell them they knew everything and then failed it miserably. Cheaters are nothing if not consistent, they lie.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/19/2020 10:19 AM

What else is she still lying about?

This is the question that you'll now get to live with indefinitely.

It may be time to do an evaluation of your life and determine what you want it to look like in 5-10 years. Will your WW help or hinder you getting there? Is it going to be possible to have a happy, content, drama-free life going forward with her? Do you want to spend your future with someone who has lied, cheated, and betrayed you (and may or may not do it again) or would it be brighter with someone else? Additionally, if she's getting exasperated so soon in the process then she's proving her lack of empathy for the damage she's done to you. When you truly love someone, cheating never crosses your mind. When you truly love someone, the last thing you would do is get exasperated with them especially when you're the one that's hurt them.

Your WW has issues. You have options. Take some time and go over them. This life is about you and your happiness. Your WW made her choices to bring this destruction to you and her family. Now it's your turn to make your choices. Block everything and everyone else out of your mind and choose what's best for you and your future. You've been given this window of opportunity. Make the most of it while you can.

I wish the best for you.

Idiotmcstupid posted 8/19/2020 11:30 AM

There's probably even more.
I couldnt believe how far the rabbit hole went with me, I found out about years of A's and 5 different AP's before I stopped. I probably could have found more.

Thumos posted 8/19/2020 11:43 AM

The beatings will continue until the morale improves.

The only one who can or will advocate for you on your behalf is yourself.

Mene posted 8/19/2020 12:08 PM

When youíve been on this site for a while and you start reading a new case of infidelity and you, you really know, that the betrayed spouse doesnít have the whole truth. And you go back to the post a day or two later or a month and low and behold they find out the initial confession was the tip of the iceberg. And it always leaves you dreading. Feeling awful for the betrayed because most of us have gone through this scenario. Keep digging OP, hopefully you wonít find more. Just remember if your wife doesnít tell you the whole truth you canít move forward. You canít reconcile.

[This message edited by Mene at 12:09 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/19/2020 12:44 PM

Hi Bark-

In your fist post, the first line was she was packing to go on a business trip, does she travel often? Can you be 100% sure that in light of the additional year of the EA that she didn;t meet up with her BF?

She has shown that she will lie and seems to be good at it.

Robert22205https posted 8/19/2020 14:21 PM

Cheaters lie and lie some more. Withholding information that she thinks will make it worse is actually typical (but still not acceptable).

However, it's not evidence that she's a hopeless case - rather it's evidence that your wife thinks like a typical cheater (wayward) and is now in damage control.

Plus it's evidence that your wife has serious work (including IC) to do in order to make herself a safe partner.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:22 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

KingofNothing posted 8/20/2020 12:11 PM

Personally, for me the straw that broke the camelís back was was she claimed you grabbed and bruised her. Thank God you had a witness!!!!

Wait.. what? When did this happen? I'm missing something. I thought I read all of barkplug's posts.

baller20 posted 8/20/2020 12:41 PM

I did some digging and found out that the contact began a full year before she told me. A. Full. Year.

No she didnít admit it to me first, I had to discover it on my own


OMG, No. I strongly believed in reconciliation before I read this.
Now it's so hard to predict what will happen..

Be strong barkplugs, and keep digging.

barkplugs posted 8/20/2020 15:40 PM

Personally, for me the straw that broke the camelís back was was she claimed you grabbed and bruised her. Thank God you had a witness!!!!

You might have me confused with someone else. I never grabbed her, she never claimed violence for bruises. No altercations either.

Buster123 posted 8/20/2020 15:51 PM

Poligraph any time soon ?

barkplugs posted 8/20/2020 15:57 PM

OMG, No. I strongly believed in reconciliation before I read this.
Now it's so hard to predict what will happen..
Be strong barkplugs, and keep digging.

Same here. I still lean towards reconciliation based on what I think I know, but Iím waiting on some evidence to come back and then see what it says.

Donít get me wrong, the damage is great.

Thereís some great advice here and a lot of painful experiences are resonating with me. Iím reading every thing and taking it all to heart. Iíve got milestones to pass, boxes to check, fears to deal with. My situation has complicated aspects so Iím not rushing to a decision.

Some questions here I could answer more directly but I donít want to give away some identifying information in case this thread is found. For example, Iím pretty sure they never met up and I have very solid evidence as to why - even now. Yes, I could be wrong and maybe I am. If I am, Iíll let you guys know.

However, Iím reluctant to put certain things out there because the hurt endured by some members causes them to project their situation onto mine. While the human condition lends itself towards common themes (and it has here in spots), it doesnít always translate into identical situations and the tone can be... assumptive. That said, I get the spirit of it: you want to help. But thatís feedback.

BTW, @BluerThanBlue - your post is so similar to how I feel and I thank you for it. It was something I needed to hear.

barkplugs posted 8/20/2020 16:03 PM

Buster - Iím waiting on the results of some of my digging to produce before I schedule a polygraph. I need to know some facts for myself before I take the polygraph step - or even ask her about them. I wasnít going to do what I am doing now the first time and that would have been a mistake.

Buster123 posted 8/20/2020 16:35 PM

However, Iím reluctant to put certain things out there because the hurt endured by some members causes them to project their situation onto mine. While the human condition lends itself towards common themes (and it has here in spots), it doesnít always translate into identical situations and the tone can be... assumptive. That said, I get the spirit of it: you want to help. But thatís feedback.

Your SI member number is 74,667, yes every case is different and not necessarily "identical" but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

There's a saying here on SI that reads "Take what you need and leave the rest", however I can assure you that the collective wisdom of SI could prove very valuable in any situation, and the common "standard" suggestions given here have stood the test of time over and over again, and most of those times the faster a BS heeds the advice the better the results.

Buster123 posted 8/20/2020 16:46 PM

Buster - Iím waiting on the results of some of my digging to produce before I schedule a polygraph. I need to know some facts for myself before I take the polygraph step - or even ask her about them. I wasnít going to do what I am doing now the first time and that would have been a mistake.

Ok I understand and of course "digging" for info is good, however I hope you don't get caught in what we sometimes call "Analysis Paralysis" here, and unnecessarily delay "asking her" or the poly itself.

barkplugs posted 8/20/2020 19:12 PM

I am familiar with analysis paralysis. This is the difference between confront with or without evidence that I can actually obtain.

Should know within a day or 3.

KingofNothing posted 8/21/2020 15:14 PM

However, Iím reluctant to put certain things out there because the hurt endured by some members causes them to project their situation onto mine. While the human condition lends itself towards common themes (and it has here in spots), it doesnít always translate into identical situations and the tone can be... assumptive. That said, I get the spirit of it: you want to help. But thatís feedback.

I empathize with this. I came here, already divorced, after stumbling upon SI.com on Reddit. My drama was done, I thought. Yet, I know I didn't have what some people would term my "karma moment". I didn't really have a feeling of justice done. We just walked away and lived our lives apart after the final papers were signed. Every story on here, man or woman, has echoes in my experience, but nothing is exactly the same. So sometimes I know I am getting emotionally invested in what I read, maybe too much. Especially when families are destroyed. That's when I shut up and just offer encouragement, because I don't EVER want to sound like as you describe-- projecting my own shitty life experience on other people's fresh pain. The fact is, you don't know where life will take you. Marriages that experience infidelity DO reconcile from time to time. On the other hand, sometimes the bad guys win, too.

I like your approach to this. You have a line you won't cross, I sense that, yet you are being very matter of fact and sensible about all of it. Trust? (I don't know, maybe some day?), but verify...

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 3:14 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 8/21/2020 15:30 PM

BP

I did not know about this forum during my Hís affair. You know, the one where heís kicking me to the curb to be with the much younger OW.

I basically acted on my own and common sense. I made mistakes in the beginning. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Trusted him waaay tooo much. Pick me dance. You get the drill.

Point is that had I been on SI I am positive most would have said run. D him. His second affair. Blah blah blah.

Point is we did reconcile. We did beat the odds. It can happen.

But I would have trusted and respected the posts from the experienced contributors here too. Sometimes people are a bit passionate. I understand why.

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/22/2020 06:21 AM

Iím sorry for blending someone elseís incidences with yours

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