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Busted Wife in an Affair

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BeyondRage posted 7/2/2020 15:04 PM

Barkplugs

Iím struggling with trusting anything sheís told me that I canít verify due to the messages being deleted. Thatís such a huge problem to me. But it is what it

Thats what you wrote on your first page. You have done a lot exactly correctly, but I hope you are not one of the guys who gets almost to the goal line and then fumbles the ball.

If the fact that you are not sure you know everything you need to then you are not sure what you are reconciling with.

So I am going to tell you again. DO THE DAMM POLYGRAPH!!!! Only an idiot would want to and eagerly agree to it if they knew the chances of being caught lying are great. And her reaction and behavior as it approaches will also tell you a lot. Some of our WW wives actually insisted on it.

And please stop this unreliable stuff. No its not perfect. Is her deleting the messages and her word perfect. ??? Not according to the highlighted statement. I always am amazed when someone rejects the tool most likely to find the truth and accepts the words of someone who has lied to them for months or years.


I'll address your bullet points

She let me know what things I did "wrong". I agree with some of those things, but not in the context of causation for cheating.
- She does not blame me for her decision to confide in someone else.
- She used those things to justify her behavior to herself during the affair and states unequivocally that she was wrong for thinking that.
- She 100% acknowledges her decision to cheat is on her and not due to my behavior.
- She also acknowledges that the real solution was to come to me and discuss those things, not take them to another man.

#1 You are where you are because of what SHE did. PERIOD. It was her choice not to discuss them with you. And if you decide to divorce her what you did wrong is not relevant.
#2 If she doesn8t blame you, which is bull shit, then who is to blame??? The OM??? This predator stuff is all crap. She may have made an INITAL "mistake" if you want to use that word, the first time she crossed the conversation line. After that, she knew exactly what she was doing. You're obviously a smart guy, so I am assuming you are not married to a moron.
#3 Unless they are "checked" out, which she wasn't, they ALL have to find some reason to assuage the guilt that is going to pop into their heads at some point. If you actually believe that she was having phone sex with some guy without giving herself a pass to do it somehow, you need to file immediately. A lot of women will somehow, because it is so easy to get hooked on internet communication, really actually convince themselves that having virtual sex doesn't count. And in todays world, if you asked her ten best girlfriends, my bet is you would be told it wasnt that bad and you should get over it.

#4 Well, if she acknowledges that she should be on her hands and knees dragging you to the poly office since you obviously don't totally accept that or you wouldn;t be troubled by it

#5 If she didn't acknowledge that she should not have taken it to another man, would you even be asking these questions. Its called CYA mode.

Now, you've confirmed they did not meet, but why are you so convinced that if she got away with this that there would not be another OM?

I did a poly and my wife was eager to do it. So here are your questions

(1) Have you had sex with anyone other than hubby, or had intimate or inappropriate phone conversations with any other men but Om since being married? The examiner will define for her the meaning of inappropriate conversations.
(2) Do you have any means of electronic conversation or communication that Barkplugs does not know about, even if you disabled or deleted your profile
(3) Do any of your friends or social network know about what you were doing?
(4) Was there a plan to meet this guy in person or did that happen?

I hope you work it out successfully

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 3:05 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

Buffer posted 7/3/2020 01:40 AM

Wise words from a very knowledgeable person ^^^^^
Buffer

barkplugs posted 7/6/2020 10:52 AM

Update:

Polygraph scheduled. Wife willing, not hesitant. Questions being planned.

Otherwise R is going well. I'd call it progress. Communication is good. Problem solving is like anything where two people are working things out and focusing on honest feedback.

Who knows. It's early.

I'll let you know how the polyg goes.

NeverTwice posted 7/6/2020 11:10 AM

Hi Bark,

Polygraph scheduled. Wife willing, not hesitant. Questions being planned.

I am SO glad you have done this because I believe it is the only thing that will give you some peace of mind.

And those deleted messages? If you have the phone purchase the FoneLab software that will let you recover those messages.

Good luck - I am pulling for for you. Sending strength and hugs.

HellFire posted 7/6/2020 11:13 AM

Keep in mind, many waywards say they're willing to take a polygraph. Doing otherwise automatically makes them look guilty.

BE prepared for a parking lot confession. It's when a WS drops a huge bomb of truth on their BS, right before the poly, hoping the BS will believe they now have the entire truth, and will cancel the test.

Always follow through with the test.

DaninOH posted 7/6/2020 11:43 AM

My wife passed her poly with flying colors.

Only because, she confessed to everything I knew and more.

ShutterHappy posted 7/6/2020 15:59 PM

Polygraph scheduled. Wife willing, not hesitant. Questions being planned.

I (and many others) hope she will pass.

I suggest you post your questions here, the collective wisdom will help you.

For instance, donít ask if she had sex with this OM specifically, but rather if she had sex with someone else than you ever since you married (or started dating if you prefer)

Buffer posted 7/6/2020 18:57 PM

Strength to you. Well done scheduling the polygraph. Getting on with getting it done. So to speak.
Is the communication between you both getting to the base of her conscious decisions to seek validation in another?

One day at a time
Buffer

BeyondRage posted 7/6/2020 19:26 PM

Ok Barkplugs
Nice work! Now donít get lulled to sleep. NO MATTER what she says, does, or thinks until the test , you GO THROUGH with the test .
As others have said , many times you will get even before youíre in the way some TT hoping youíll be satisfied and cancel. And even if she confesses a whole lot more you still go through with the test. I already gave you some suggested questions that I think you might want answers to. The examiner can tailor them to your specific wants.

Now what you also need to do is formulate a plan on what you MIGHT do with different results. You statement to her should NOT make her believe that if she passes the test sheís in the clear and allís forgiven. She still cheated and all this test is is a tool to let you know that what you might reconcile with is the truth.
Conversely , I would not tell her if she fails any or all of it that itís instant divorce even if you think that. After what she has done she gets to sweat it out a little

Lastly I recommend you do not say a word to her on the way and if possible donít even go, or drop her and leave . You do not want you making her more nervous as an excuse for failure from her

Good luck. You have done a great job realizing that the folks here have some brAins and knowledge on how this shit works
Hoping for the best for you

Dismayed2012 posted 7/7/2020 11:35 AM

Thanks for the update barkplugs. I hope she passes but be ready in case she doesn't. Have a plan in advance. Also, be ready for any pretest 'parking lot confessions'.

Buster123 posted 7/7/2020 18:57 PM

Good job on scheduling the poly, now did you ever get the written timeline of the A? if not, make sure she does it before the polygraph test, cheaters for the most part don't really know how many questions they will be asked, and even if they knew, they wouldn't for certain know which ones, so you may get more answers before the poly. Again make sure she writes the timeline now then ask as many questions as you need before the poly, chances are she will think that ALL those questions will be asked during the test.

barkplugs posted 8/18/2020 20:58 PM

Update.

Polygraph was cancelled due to some stuff that came up. But then shit went sideways.

I did some digging and found out that the contact began a full year before she told me. A. Full. Year.

No she didnít admit it to me first, I had to discover it on my own. Talk about a spanner in the works. Iíve spend the past month trying to decide if I polygraph at all or just go the D route.

Now, she is adamant Iíve found out everything. The tone is pretty exasperated, the reasons she gave make sense.

Yeah. Right.

I donít want divorce. I want reconciliation. Unfortunately the girl I thought was special is now just ďsome girlĒ I married. So Iím left with a lot of consideration for the other people involved as well. Not going to be easy.

Thumos posted 8/18/2020 21:07 PM

I did some digging and found out that the contact began a full year before she told me. A. Full. Year.

I'm sorry. There;s always more, seems like. And you still believe her story about no sex with a man she was in contact with a full year?

This is a pretty harsh lesson in trickle truth and another D-Day.

What do you want from life?

Buffer posted 8/19/2020 00:29 AM

So sorry brother, can you build up on this lie?
Conscious decisions to continue the lie, to Ďminimise your painí. BS on those types of comments. It was to minimise her damage control. You gave her ample opportunity to give it all up. The TT is in effect here. Sorry but there is more, a lot more.
Time to have her served with D papers.
One day at a time
Buffer

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/19/2020 00:55 AM

You know what you have to do. Personally, for me the straw that broke the camelís back was was she claimed you grabbed and bruised her. Thank God you had a witness!!!!

It wonít be easy, but if this isnít enough for you to file, what would she have to do for you to say ďenoughĒ?????

Good luck and stay strong

Buster123 posted 8/19/2020 03:25 AM

I donít want divorce. I want reconciliation. Unfortunately the girl I thought was special is now just ďsome girlĒ I married. So Iím left with a lot of consideration for the other people involved as well. Not going to be easy.

Listen if you want R you should know as much as possible about what you would be reconciling with, so now you have another full year of lies, there's always more. You mentioned something came up and the poly had to be cancelled, have you reschedule it yet ? if not and what are you waiting for ? schedule the polygraph ASAP and talk to a D attorney to know your options.

BluerThanBlue posted 8/19/2020 06:11 AM

BarkPlugs, as another user said, your goal needs to be getting out of infidelity. Maybe that means reconciliation or maybe that means divorce.

You now know that, like every other cheater on this site, your wife will only admit to what you can prove and nothing more.

I also predict that sooner rather than later she will cycle from crying and pleading to lashing out in resentment.

At this point, she should be doing the heavy lifting to prove that sheís trustworthy. That means she takes proactive measures such as doing recovery of messages on her phone, scheduling the polygraph, making the timeline, looking up websites, buying books on infidelity. She had her fun, now itís her turn to do the work.

For the record, Iím divorced and I suspected but never had concrete evidence of a physical affair. What ultimately led to my decision to divorce wasnít the cheating itself but my exís unwillingness to work toward rebuilding my trust; I played detective, I bought the books, I scheduled the appointments.

The most he did was cry, apologize, and feel sorry for himself... but then proceed to get angry and blame me because I wasnít willing to just let it go.

People told me I should polygraph; I wasnít willing because all it is a measure of a stress response. Itís effective as an interrogation tool but not for gaging the truth. A person that is comfortable lying can pass a polygraph.

If you really want to get to the truth, file for divorce (or at least consult with an attorney) and then watch her actions. If sheís committed to saving your marriage, she will move heaven and earth to prove her worthiness for reconciliation. If she doesnít then you will save yourself years of pain.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:13 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

Ginny posted 8/19/2020 07:47 AM

Iím sorry you have had to deal with TT. It does SO much damage when waywards do that.

beenthereinco posted 8/19/2020 09:26 AM

Hi Barkplugs,
Look I know you want to believe this has not been physical but it just goes beyond belief that it has not. You said in your first post that it went on for 7 months and now you find out that it is really 19 months. You found messages with "i love you" in it and your WW was leaving on a business trip when you found out. It is almost certain that at some point in those 19 months your WW went on a fake business trip or the AP met her in whatever city she was traveling to. It just has to be. I just can't see a text messaging affair continuing for 19 months, exchanges of I Love You and all of that. There would be physical contact to keep it going. Reschedule the poly and ask this question. I think you will find out she is still lying to you.

DictumVeritas posted 8/19/2020 09:32 AM

I read that you verified that her schedules excluded the possibility of physical contact in the initial timeline of 7 months.

I would urge you to verify this for the full 19 months. I like beenthereinco, am dubious that this was only an online emotional affair, but to be open, as far as infidelity is concerned, I am ever the pessimist as to the severity and nature of the entanglement and always assume the worst.

It has served me well in my own experience.

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