Excellent post, thanks for sharing.
I feel exactly the same way, that my choices destroyed my wife’s dream, her belief in that dream, her faith in me, her happiness. It is all my fault, and I must suffer the consequences, and I follow her lead on that (every day that she does not “kick me to the curb”, which I deserve, a gift, every day that we try to make US work again is a gift).
As another poster said, the painful awareness of all this is a good reminder to never ever fall back into old wrong hurtful selfish ways, to never let down the guard, to stay focused.
It is not easy to live with the knowledge and evidence of the consequences of my terrible awful behaviors (in the form of “bad days” and distance and tears and sadness), but I need to be often reminded of what I have done, how my selfish secret ways have destroyed a good thing. And I know that any suffering I feel pales in comparison to what I have inflicted on my wife.
I don’t know what the future will bring for our relationship. We are trying to reconcile, to build something new, but I also know that it may be too late, that I may have caused too much damage and pain, that I will never be trusted or respected again. I work on improving myself (which includes learning here), I strive to always be a good husband, I listen to my wife intently, and I respect and follow her wishes and needs and desires.