RedeemedSinner posted 6/6/2020 11:52 AM

I’m sure there is no magic answer to this, but this is a question that weighs heavily on me, some days crushing the breath out of me. How do y’all deal with knowing you destroyed so many lives by such a choice. I just see my wife as a little girl, dreaming of the day she would get married to her prince and live happily ever after. I know this is a fairytale, but it just hurts knowing I’ve forever destroyed that dream for her. Then on top of it I have my two beautiful daughters whose lives are forever changed from this. If anyone has anything that helped please share. Thank you for reading my emotional spill.

JBWD posted 6/6/2020 12:16 PM

You just do. The pain is your reminder that you did something that is Biblically Wrong (I’m not Christian but I like the adjective to help encapsulate the scope and magnitude of just how COUNTER our actions are to anything acknowledged as right and good) and what you do with that pain is yours to own.

If you let it overcome you then you will be less than the man you actually are, the father your little ladies deserve, and whatever degree of teammate you CAN be to the woman you lied to. It’s impossible to ignore the pain, and to do so invites disaster because you’ll waste so much energy trying to keep the closet door shut.

There is, ultimately, a finite amount of time we occupy physical time and space. It isn’t to say that pain and shame is inconvenient and avoidable. But you can learn that you are not your thoughts and feelings, and find the strength to work at understanding them and cutting the leash they use to drag you away.

It’s hard, man. ((((RedeemedSinner))))
But you play the hand YOU dealt as true to how you now know yourself to be. And you simply don’t f&#%king give up. Whatever it is that you become moving forward, you keep putting one foot in front of the other- As though you were stranded in the snow and stopping would kill you.

Practical things that help: Meditation. Pema Chodron’s “How to Meditate” is a good start. The end of my meditation is when I take time to acknowledge what in my day fueled gratitude. Have a schedule that includes activities that nurture you, so you are best prepared to face time alone- Whatever degree of “alone” that becomes.

Hope these words can help you find strength. We’re here always.

RedeemedSinner posted 6/6/2020 17:01 PM

Yeah I hear what you’re saying JB. I own every bit of what I did. I’m just in that in between and not knowing if I will get the chance to love this woman like i should have years ago. The battle rages between the good and bad thinking. Some days are just brutal. Of course I know what she is feeling is beyond what I feel, but watching your family devastated over your doing is the hardest thing. I do acknowledge the pain because it reminds me to never let my guard down again. Thanks for your advice.

GuiltAndShame posted 6/7/2020 06:09 AM

Excellent post, thanks for sharing.
I feel exactly the same way, that my choices destroyed my wife’s dream, her belief in that dream, her faith in me, her happiness. It is all my fault, and I must suffer the consequences, and I follow her lead on that (every day that she does not “kick me to the curb”, which I deserve, a gift, every day that we try to make US work again is a gift).

As another poster said, the painful awareness of all this is a good reminder to never ever fall back into old wrong hurtful selfish ways, to never let down the guard, to stay focused.
It is not easy to live with the knowledge and evidence of the consequences of my terrible awful behaviors (in the form of “bad days” and distance and tears and sadness), but I need to be often reminded of what I have done, how my selfish secret ways have destroyed a good thing. And I know that any suffering I feel pales in comparison to what I have inflicted on my wife.

I don’t know what the future will bring for our relationship. We are trying to reconcile, to build something new, but I also know that it may be too late, that I may have caused too much damage and pain, that I will never be trusted or respected again. I work on improving myself (which includes learning here), I strive to always be a good husband, I listen to my wife intently, and I respect and follow her wishes and needs and desires.

RedeemedSinner posted 6/7/2020 16:51 PM

I know I don’t deserve reconciliation, but deep down I hope for that. It’s hard that she doesn’t want that. Like the thought of never getting the chance to be a better husband to her is hard even though I’m to blame. We really had a great marriage, but my selfish choice ruined it all. I took it all for granted.