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JBWD posted 5/20/2020 15:02 PM

Feel like stuff’s going sideways right now. Normal routine challenges of trying to navigate a slowed (stalled?) D process that seems inevitable but also somehow both more and less intense. No fear of COVID but frustration as it makes my work far less predictable and seemingly random. Now faced with the potential death of who I was hoping would be my sponsor in SLAA as he navigates home hospice and end of life planning. Now I’m in my car crying because I’m so sad for everyone and don’t know what to do about anything.

foreverlabeled posted 5/20/2020 15:17 PM

Im so sorry.

But hey, you don't have to know exactly what to do about anything this very minute, just get through the wave. Take a deep breath. Sometimes and we face some hard shit all at once. And it sucks, big time.

I have this mantra (I guess) that seems like it's been on repeat lately. I keep telling myself you've made it through [insert hard thing] and you'll make it through [insert hard thing] too.

Lostallalone posted 5/20/2020 19:08 PM

I'm sorry there is so much turmoil. I don't know your story but i hope you will be ok.

BraveSirRobin posted 5/20/2020 20:27 PM

((JBWD))

Zugzwang posted 5/21/2020 10:27 AM

So sorry man. Get some rest. Sit with the feelings. There isn't always anything we can do. I would send a care package to his family. Gift cards to a place they can get food made for them to take a burden off of them. Do you have a hobby you can relax in. Maybe try something he liked to do.

Pippin posted 5/25/2020 20:44 PM

I'm sorry it feels so overwhelming. It's OK to cry and feel like you don't know what to do, and much better than self-soothing in more destructive ways. And everything you described are difficult things to deal with one at a time, let alone all at once. I hope it's got a bit better in the past few days, or at least manageable, and that you get a breather before the next time it feels so big.

Can you say why you used the word saturated? I've never heard that word for this kind of feeling and it's apt.

JBWD posted 5/26/2020 08:28 AM

He passed on Saturday night- His daughter (now reconciled but long estranged previously up until the past decade) made it cross country to be with him- Though I knew him only briefly it was clear that made a great difference in his later life. I’m choosing to celebrate that.

Pippin- I think I’ve spent my life saturated, and it’s just a matter of if it’s “good“ or “bad” that saturates. I honestly think it’s a joyous burden: It of course was front and center in believing feelings because of the associated intensity. But a year and change on I find it’s interesting how difficult it still is to put words to these.

Pippin posted 6/2/2020 21:25 PM

It of course was front and center in believing feelings because of the associated intensity

This feels super important to me JBWD. If we are inclined to believe our feelings, we are probably inclined to strongly believe our strong feelings. Flipping it around so that I have understanding - then belief - then feelings was really helpful for me.

JBWD posted 6/2/2020 22:07 PM

Pippin- I've gotten so much better at this over the past year. I still feel intensely, but I can see it for what it is and let it fuel creative endeavors when that occurs.
ETA when it doesn’t lead to creation I am able to discredit the places it could lead me off.

[This message edited by JBWD at 11:02 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]