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Discovered something

Feelinglikethat posted 4/29/2020 14:12 PM

I am reading The Body Keeps the Score now. As I was reading about trauma, a memory came to me from my childhood involving an older cousin and myself. I really am not sure what to think or do with it. Its like for my whole teenage and adult life I never thought about this thing that happened. I cant say for sure if it would be considered sexual abuse or just ‘kids being kids’. I guess that would be up to a therapist to help me determine.

Another part of me thinks that maybe my mind is grasping for reasons to explain why I was the way that I was. I dont need an excuse and I take full ownership for my actions. I just felt like maybe I needed to explore this further to understand myself more. Not that I have doubts about what happened, I know for sure that it happened, but I dont know if it should play any role in my development or my life as it was only one instance (that I remember).

Im posting here because I don’t really have anyone to turn to. My BS has his own heavy load to carry (thanks to me) and I dont want to/have no right to burden him with my processing.

[This message edited by Feelinglikethat at 2:17 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 4/29/2020 14:41 PM

Definitely bring it up in IC. I had CSA that I forgot about for an undetermined period of years (between when it happened and my late teens). Through that experience, I formed an unhealthy connection between sex and validation. While that certainly does not excuse or justify my choice to have an A, I absolutely had to unpack those impulses in order to be a safer and more self-aware partner going forward.

EvolvingSoul posted 4/29/2020 14:47 PM

Hi there Feelinglikethat,

Definitely check that out with an IC. I also had an older cousin interaction when I was maybe 10 years old, I think he was 15. It was initiated by him and not welcomed by me. It happened twice and both times I managed to get away from him. I didn't tell anyone about it until I was maybe 20, and even then I minimized what happened for a long time. I think it definitely had an impact on how I related to men and sex.

That book is a pretty interesting read. Dense, scholarly even, but it was really the best resource I found on the body/mind connection as it is impacted by trauma.

Keep digging, sister.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Jorge posted 4/30/2020 21:26 PM

I am reading The Body Keeps the Score now. As I was reading about trauma, a memory came to me from my childhood involving an older cousin and myself. I really am not sure what to think or do with it. Its like for my whole teenage and adult life I never thought about this thing that happened. I cant say for sure if it would be considered sexual abuse or just ‘kids being kids’. I guess that would be up to a therapist to help me determine.

I had an "incident" with an older female cousin when I was 9 or 10. She was 14 or 15. She led the way. I was quite the willing participant, but in retrospect it changed me forever, in a negative way.

I realized this over 40 years after the fact. Started seeing a therapist a couple weeks ago to help me untangle the choke hold it has on me. Don't underestimate its impact. I did and paid for it as the price is as great as the molestation itself.

I refuse to even acknowledge it as molestation, and still struggle a little with that term, but it is what it is. And yes, it could be kids play, but some kids play is inappropriate and life changing. I'm just giving you a sentence to an otherwise novel, but in a nutshell, explore your "hunch" as there is something to it. In fact, there's a lot to it. I'm finding this out.

[This message edited by Jorge at 9:31 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

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