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trust and reconciliation

Zugzwang posted 4/28/2020 10:08 AM

Just thought this might give some insight to new WS.

1. A stranger on the street is more of a friend than you are. Remember that. They haven't hurt them. They haven't proven they would choose to hurt them in order to get a leg up and feel better about themselves. A stranger is safer than their own spouse.

2. You don't trust yourself. Why in the Hell would they trust you or feel safe? You want them to open up to you. There is no reason why they would. It requires them to be vulnerable with someone that has prove to hurt them by choice and that doesn't even trust or love themselves. It makes no absolute sense for them to trust you. So, stop expecting it and do your best with work on yourself to earn it. It will take a long long time. Never if you never work on you and your whys. Never if you never learn to be enough for yourself.

3. You aren't picking up where you chose to leave off in the marriage. It is gone. It is actually worse than gone. There is now poison where you want to rebuild. The foundation doesn't even exist for them.

So many new WS just don't see that. For good reason. They are too self absorbed in regret. It is nice though to remind yourself of this and hopefully with some work you will begin to move from how this is inconvenient for you to how you really did hurt other people intentionally to feel good about yourself and become more remorseful.

kairos posted 4/28/2020 13:09 PM

I like this: "It is actually worse than gone. There is now poison where you want to rebuild. The foundation doesn't even exist for them."

There is poison beneath the non-existent foundation. I feel this strongly. Everything has to be rebuilt, including the soil underneath the decrepit foundation I once called my life, my marriage, my relationship. Everything has to be re-created. The starting point is less than zero. And until a wayward understands this, there will be no effective starting point from which to recover.

And for what it's worth, the foundation you describe is non-existent for the BS and the WS. Everything is gone for both.

I did not realize these things for the first 6 months or so after Dday. I lied to myself. I didn't look in the mirror. And for this reason, I lost my marriage to an incredible woman. So if this is a message to new WSs, do yourself a favor and listen to these words.

[This message edited by kairos at 1:10 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

pinkpggy posted 4/28/2020 13:52 PM

Also there is no time limit or promise of trust or reconciliation, EVER. Don't expect, or ask for it. Just work TOWARDS it, consistently.

I have failed at this lately. Even 3 years ++ later, I have been having issues with expecting trust.

Zugzwang posted 4/29/2020 09:56 AM

^^^^We have to earn it. Even not guaranteed by doing our best, earning, and changing. We still don't just automatically get it in return. We will never be entitled to it. Not from the ones we have hurt. That is a gift of grace and we aren't owed it. Many forget that, I agree. They have expectations that if they do x,y,z....then the BS should do x,y,z in return. Do we deserve to have people trust us when we have changed....I think we do. Just not the ones we already have proven to hurt. If a WS can't accept that, then they need to divorce. Start their life anew. I see many new WS come here (I was the same) refusing to accept stuff. Ownership. Who they became. The rights for the BS to not trust. Responsibility of choosing to hurt others and the consequences of that including the OBS.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/29/2020 11:20 AM

We have to earn it. Even not guaranteed by doing our best, earning, and changing. We still don't just automatically get it in return. We will never be entitled to it. Not from the ones we have hurt. That is a gift of grace and we aren't owed it. Many forget that, I agree. They have expectations that if they do x,y,z....then the BS should do x,y,z in return. Do we deserve to have people trust us when we have changed....I think we do. Just not the ones we already have proven to hurt.
I think we have to earn it here, too. Once you've been here a while, it feels like madness to believe every WS who shows up here saying they've woken up to their BS's pain and are committed to total honesty from here on out.

I lurked for several months before my first post, and it helped me make some important progress, so I thought I deserved instant credibility here even though no one had seen me doing the work. I've since seen other newbies come in feeling like they deserve trust because just being on SI means their intentions are good, and that they've woken up and changed. It's honestly a little off-putting when someone comes in and starts dispensing advice without establishing their bona fides, or answers every critique with "Yes, absolutely, that's such a great point, I'll get on that right away!" I mean, we hear that a lot, only to get later confessions of "Yeah, I was still lying," or reports from the BS that the poster's online persona doesn't match their IRL behavior, or a blast of resentful pushback that doesn't match the previous measured humility, or they just plain vanish.

Trust is earned, and it doesn't happen overnight. Hell, I feel like I've been here a long time at 18 months, but for the real old timers, I'm still a newb who is learning the SI ropes. It's an ongoing process to establish true credibility.

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