"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

wwtjd posted 4/25/2020 15:13 PM

Not sure if this is where to post but here I go.

I have been with my wife for almost 9 years. It was going great at first. She was unique, intelligent, beautiful and I loved being with her every second. I still had unresolved issues with myself and I ended up cheating with her with one of her friends and had sexting issues with other women. I exited the military and was going to get a new job in another state. I was in love her, so I asked her to move with me. A month after she arrived in the new state it really felt right, and she was exactly what I had always wanted. My issues from childhood came rearing up again (bad parenting, mother abandonment, babysitter sex abuse, access to porn at a very early age) and to get out my perversions as I did when I was single, I began a relationship with a coworker that lasted for almost 2 years until me moved to another state for my pregnant wife to take a supervisor position at a hospital Please do not take these as excuses. I certainly don’t and I take every bit of blame. During the affair with the coworker I was constantly texting and would frequent her place inconsistently but made videos and exchanged sexual pictures. I injected her into a friendship with my wife before we were married even though she did not really like her. When we got there, I had trouble finding a job and became depressed, not being able to provide as I should. I went to school full time using GI bill and worked 2 shit jobs until our child was born and then just worked 1 and went to school. During my depression I was not very supportive of my wife which breaks my heart still. I was having online sexting with different people but was never physically with anyone. We moved to the area where I was from and I still was intermittently sexting though it was dramatically dropped. Almost as if I were trying to stop myself. The addictive nature of it all was exhausting. I wish I would have been open and honest with my wife. She asked me before if I was unhappy or if I had cheated. I said no, fearful of her anger and hurt. Well one day a boyfriend of a woman I had sexted back and forth with had a PI contact her via social media and it all fell apart. I had attempted to make the situation look better but, in the end, I told her everything. Seeing her hurt the way she was going through was more than I could bear, I was riddled with guilt and shame and I was close to committing suicide. If it was not for her calling me at the time she did, I would have shot myself in the head, because I had resigned myself to death being preferable than living with what I had done. She stayed because of my weakness and although we went to some counseling afterwards, life got in the way. She never healed properly because of this. I had a job travelling as a repair technician with off hours and weeks out of town and she worked on a master’s program for work. So here we are 3 years later. During this 3 year, I was depressed still and didn’t man up to make amends, I gained weight and because of this, did not initiate sex although my wife is gorgeous beyond words. I also felt inept because of weight gain and thought she deserved sex and we talked about her stepping out or cuckholding I guess. She passed on one guy but recently she found a man at work who she had chemistry with and asked over text the day of to go out with him. I said yes. Afterwards she became distant and did not want to have sex with me. She went back to his house 2 weeks later even though I did not want her to. She has cut off physical contact now but still talks via social media and states it isn’t intended to hurt me. I feel deserving of the pain and duress it is causing but I am going through therapy and getting myself in a better place and its causing immeasurable anxiety. This is mostly due to her saying she feels stuck in our marriage and manipulated and as if nothing was ever real. She doesn’t know if she wants to stay or go. She says she feels physical pain to have me touch her sexually which is like a knife in my heart. She is having a rough time and its all my fault. I’ve pushed suicide out of my mind, so she can get her thoughts and emotions out, but I still hurt. I want her back and happy, I want our family to survive.

JBWD posted 4/25/2020 15:49 PM

Welcome- Not a club you want to join but I believe you’ll get something from being here.

From everything I read it appears that you all tried to ignore this and make it go away, with typical results. You’re likely going to need to start from fresh as though it’s immediately past D-Day.

IC for each of you is a good starting point. Reading “How to Help Your Spouse Heal...” is a really good reference for you to develop a systematic approach to understanding a way to heal together.

BUT, most importantly it’s most critical that you understand this point

I want her back and happy

These two things might not be the same. You need to, in the process of learning about yourself and trying to understand your wife’s suffering, get to acceptance for the potential outcome where she’s better off without you.

wwtjd posted 4/26/2020 06:45 AM

Appreciate the reply. I have been slowly accepting that this is not going to end with her happy and with me, which is difficult but desirable if the alternative is her being unhappy. It certainly is a tough path either way for both of us. Thanks again.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/26/2020 09:35 AM

I have been slowly accepting that this is not going to end with her happy and with me, which is difficult but desirable if the alternative is her being unhappy.

Yes, you need to face that possibility, but I don't think you need to pivot all the way to accepting failure, either. Right now, she doesn't trust you because nothing in your history indicates that she should. That could change if you do the work sincerely and consistently. The work has to come first, though, because it doesn't take root if you just see it as a means to an end. And yes, the story you've laid out means a serious uphill battle.

I'm finding it hard to follow the sequence of events (paragraph breaks in future posts would help with that, btw), but am I correct that you cheated on your wife with a friend of hers, and then forced her into a reluctant friendship with your next AP? That the COW affair began before you married and ended when your wife was pregnant, and then only because you moved away? And the sexting was pretty much ongoing throughout your relationship until you got caught and exposed by an OBS? Finally, your solution to a lack of sexual interest in your wife post D-Day was to outsource that role to another man?

That's a lot. If you had deliberately set out to destroy her self esteem and sense of security, I'm not sure how you could have made a more effective plan. And unfortunately, some passive voice structure in your post illustrates that you still need to work on owning those choices. What does "I had sexting issues with women" and "I was having online sexting with different people" mean if not "I sexted women?" The issues didn't compose the texts. And how is a two year A "getting out your perversions?" Cheating isn't therapy.

Don't get me wrong. Finding our whys is very important. But so far, yes, you're presenting them as excuses, even though you put a disclaimer saying that you aren't. Past traumas can blow holes in you, but the holes themselves don't force you into specific behaviors. I say this as a fellow CSA victim who made toxic choices to find cheap validation. You do not have to be defined by your history. You don't have control over the past, or your wife, but you do control yourself and have substantial power in reshaping your future.

wwtjd posted 4/27/2020 08:54 AM

I hear you. I haven't excepted defeat at all to be honest. I read the book you suggested and it was helpful. I never did place any blame upon her at all. Right now the uncertainty is possibly the most unbearable part at the moment. I do feel in "builder" mode, but without knowing which foundation to build on, is difficult. One where still married and rebuilding or 38 year old sad dad foundation, wondering if its worth scrambling to find someone else and starting new. Nothing no one else in a similar position has felt for sure. Ill follow the books advice and the therapist and just let it play its self out. Not much else to do. Thanks for the advice. Ill take the excuses and just bury them.

Zugzwang posted 4/27/2020 16:15 PM

So, IC yet? Fixing you yet?

wwtjd posted 4/27/2020 16:52 PM

Im not hip to all these acronyms.