I have been slowly accepting that this is not going to end with her happy and with me, which is difficult but desirable if the alternative is her being unhappy.
Yes, you need to face that possibility, but I don't think you need to pivot all the way to accepting failure, either. Right now, she doesn't trust you because nothing in your history indicates that she should. That could change if you do the work sincerely and consistently. The work has to come first, though, because it doesn't take root if you just see it as a means to an end. And yes, the story you've laid out means a serious uphill battle.
I'm finding it hard to follow the sequence of events (paragraph breaks in future posts would help with that, btw), but am I correct that you cheated on your wife with a friend of hers, and then forced her into a reluctant friendship with your next AP? That the COW affair began before you married and ended when your wife was pregnant, and then only because you moved away? And the sexting was pretty much ongoing throughout your relationship until you got caught and exposed by an OBS? Finally, your solution to a lack of sexual interest in your wife post D-Day was to outsource that role to another man?
That's a lot. If you had deliberately set out to destroy her self esteem and sense of security, I'm not sure how you could have made a more effective plan. And unfortunately, some passive voice structure in your post illustrates that you still need to work on owning those choices. What does "I had sexting issues with women" and "I was having online sexting with different people" mean if not "I sexted women?" The issues didn't compose the texts. And how is a two year A "getting out your perversions?" Cheating isn't therapy.
Don't get me wrong. Finding our whys is very important. But so far, yes, you're presenting them as excuses, even though you put a disclaimer saying that you aren't. Past traumas can blow holes in you, but the holes themselves don't force you into specific behaviors. I say this as a fellow CSA victim who made toxic choices to find cheap validation. You do not have to be defined by your history. You don't have control over the past, or your wife, but you do control yourself and have substantial power in reshaping your future.