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Feeling thankful

Iamtrash posted 3/27/2020 06:49 AM

My state is currently in lockdown. No school, no work (for now, that could change if I get reassigned). Husband still has work, but his hours have drastically changed. Nothing is open unless it is essential. We have had a ton of time together. Not just us, but the kids too.

Even though the kids are squirrelly and a bit much at times, this time has been amazing. During and even before the affair, I can see how much I didnít appreciate and everything I took for granted. We are literally trapped in the house together. Before/during my affair, this would have been torment. I have recognized a lot of unhealthy behavior with my constant need to go and be engaged in things outside of my home. For the first time in my life, I am content to just be here. No obligations, no work. Itís a very calm feeling that Iíve never experienced before. I donít feel anxious not being on the move. I feel like finally slowing down has been very helpful. I can truly process my own issues and feelings. I can work through my thoughts and anxieties. I can talk to my husband without being held up by work or our normal, busy days. (It is very hard to talk and communicate regularly because our lifestyle is literally sunup to sundown with little time for us.)

He and I have both been hearing about people being driven insane being home together with their spouse. Itís a big adjustment for a lot of people. I donít feel this at all. This time has been wonderful. We are able to talk freely, especially as we need to. We donít have to wait all day to get our thoughts out. We have time to cook and eat meals together. We have time to go for walks and talk. Granted, we still donít have a ton of time for just us since the kids are home all day, but we actually get evenings together after the kids go to bed. With his new schedule, we have real time together that isnít just us falling asleep after a hectic day. I can actually talk to him about how I feel. I can tell him how I feel about him. Itís so helpful to have this time together.

I truly appreciate the teamwork weíve had throughout this. I appreciate his presence. I feel best when heís home with us. I appreciate the communication. Most of all, I appreciate that he is still here. I appreciate that he was willing to give me a chance when I didnít deserve one. I have so much to be thankful for, I have so much to work towards. For the first time in my life, I see what I have to lose and I am determined to make myself the safe partner I need to be. I no longer spend my time focusing on flaws, now I can see who he is. Who he always was. I am so thankful and appreciative of him. Heís a great man and he deserves someone that is capable of reciprocating that.

MrCleanSlate posted 3/27/2020 07:32 AM

IAT,

It always good to read something positive.

I'm much in the same place as you, also having realized what I really do have and appreciating it.

It is good, in spite of the circumstances, to have the time together and really reconnect. Make the best of it!

Chaos posted 3/27/2020 09:28 AM

I also am glad to read something positive. And hearing this mindset is reassuring.

I hope you share your feelings with him.

Lifeitself posted 3/27/2020 09:55 AM

Iamtrash, thank you for the positive update. How is the pregnancy going? Please keep extra safe from Covid-19.

hikingout posted 3/27/2020 09:59 AM

Great post, and same. I havenít been able to get in as much because I am truly trying to be present and make the best of this time. Your post is a good reminder of the blessing it can be to have this time and use it more towards healing. Also I had no idea you were pregnant, congrats to you and hallmark!

thatbpguy posted 3/27/2020 10:53 AM

Wonderful post. I hope this continues.

fareast posted 3/27/2020 11:11 AM

Very well stated. Thank you for posting this. Itís good to see a positive post. Happy for you both. Keep it up.

eehamlet posted 3/27/2020 11:53 AM

I was very happy to see that post. You seem like a very decent human being that just happened to make a terrible mistake. You do not deserve the forum name that you gave yourself because you are not trash.

As bad as everything is in this world it seems like you and your H are making lemonaide out of the lemons.

i hope that you'll be able to repair the marriage.

Good thoughts heading your way!

Iamtrash posted 3/27/2020 12:32 PM

I am continuing to make sure to tell him all of this. I am super thankful to have him. I want him to know how appreciated he is. I want to know how meaningful it is to still have the opportunity to work on myself and be a safe partner for him. Itís still very hard to see the pain in his eyes. Itís still hard to know heís having a rough day with his own thoughts. I have been putting effort into feeling with him so that he doesnít have to suffer alone. I truly hope it is making a difference for him. Itís hard to always know what heís thinking. Sometimes he has a lot to say, sometimes very little. Either way, I am there for him and make sure to tell him that. I hope it is helping him, I hope he can feel my presence with whatever he is feeling at any given moment. I donít want him to feel alone in his healing. I am very proud of the efforts he has made to help himself. I make sure he knows that too. He continues to work in IC and I feel like it is really helping him now that he has one he likes.

As for the pregnancy, itís painfully obvious I am not as young as I used to be. This one is rough. Even before the affair, our family was done. This was a big surprise. The first two were very planned/fought for. (I tease him that this one is his fault. It was totally his error, not mine.) This pregnancy is a complete loss of control for me. I had lots of mixed feelings about it at the start. It was bad enough that our kids had to live through this nightmare I created, what were we thinking bringing another child into this? Throughout some of the really low points, Iíve reached some really dark places. Especially thinking about what this innocent child will have to live through. I have also recognized a lot of unresolved and completely denied postpartum issues that I never faced with the previous pregnancies. I am thankful for the open conversations weíve had around this. Thereís a lot I never saw happening and now I have the opportunity to make sure I am prepared after this baby is here. I have the proper help and supports I need for my mental health this time around.

Hamlet, I wasnít always at this point. I went through some really terrible behavior, denial, and lies to get here. It took me quite awhile to really learn from this. I am far from perfect and it took me a long time to get here. Itís not always sunshine and rainbows. I am very blessed and fortunate that my husband is still here. My behavior should have lost him completely. How I handled everything after d-day was worthy of an immediate divorce. I donít deserve this chance.

eehamlet posted 3/27/2020 13:11 PM

I donít deserve this chance.

Maybe you don't deserve it but you do have it.


Keep making the most of it. All you can ever do is try in the best way you know how. Many times that is what it takes.

I am glad that there is a forum like this to help people on both sides of this issue.

Stay safe, stay healthy and good luck. There are many people pulling for you.

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