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Borg804 posted 2/22/2020 07:47 AM

RE: 180

So I’ve been doing some of these things prior to reading the list. I’ve stopped talking about the future, saying ILY, and asking for reassurances.

I’m curious how it works if he’s being more physically and sexually attentive than ever before?

Should I not respond when he says ILY or hugs me or touches my leg while driving in the car?

And some folks sex can bring closeness during this time. We haven’t had sex since he relapsed in June but we also were in a sexless and rather intimate less marriage prior to the EA.

I don’t want to discourage him if he’s making a sincere effort.

I also want to protect myself.

So how to apply 180 in a real life situation where husband is trying to reconcile?

Cooley2here posted 2/22/2020 09:11 AM

Are you 100% sure he is NC? You have to look at actions. It’s easy to be “good” for a few months but he needs to show real dedication to being a committed husband.
Right now he is panic stricken that you might bail. Get some financial security before anything else. Talk to a lawyer who specializes in that. Once you know your future is safe then you can look at other things.
The 180 is for your protection. It’s not to control him.

Borg804 posted 2/22/2020 09:33 AM

How can I be 100% sure while simultaneously not discussing the situation or the future per the 180?

I guess that’s my point? How to leave it open for reconciliation while simultaneously protecting myself and during myself up?

Cooley2here posted 2/22/2020 12:08 PM

I repeat, get your finances(future) taken care of first. If you read this and many blogs you will see women left with nothing. Cheaters hide assets all the time.
His crying means nothing. His promises mean nothing. Please remember that he lied and cheated. It’s up to him to fix things. You look after you.
The 180 means to stop putting him first. It means your needs are what are important.
Read up on the 180. Take your time. You are in the middle of trauma and trying to follow any guidelines is tough. Just look after your health. Stay hydrated. Don’t use alcohol and get into IC for help working through this.

ChamomileTea posted 2/22/2020 15:43 PM

Why are you doing 180 if you're trying to reconcile?

180 is for creating emotional distance and breaking free of your enmeshment. It's best used when your WS is recalcitrant, either still in contact with the AP or failing to take positive steps to correct his broken character. 180 is stepping back because your WS isn't giving you enough to work with.

Now, that's not to say that if he's cooperative and genuinely remorseful that you have to go right back to status quo. In terms of physical/emotional intimacies, it's important that you're feeling comfortable. Reengaging in intimacy feels risky early on in recovery. It's okay to wait for all that until you're a little more certain he's going to stay on a healing trajectory.

Borg804 posted 2/22/2020 15:51 PM

Apologies. Someone suggested I do the 180 on a separate thread even though he’s trying to reconcile. I’m not sure how I can ever be positive he’s not in contact with her.

I was saying I’m going out of town Tuesday for a week and a half and I’m not sure how to track if he’s in contact with her or if I should leave it alone.

ChamomileTea posted 2/22/2020 16:04 PM

No need for apologies. Some people might go ahead and 180 if they're not completely sure NC is established. I tend to prefer holding 180 back if all seems to be going well though. That way you still have a tool available, rather than just pulling the plug altogether.

If you're not 100% certain he's maintaining NC, you could always put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in his car or someplace he's comfortable talking. You might also install some nanny-cams or a ring device on the front door. And of course, if he hasn't already given you access to his phone, emails, and apps, he needs to do that. Not to say that cheaters can't find alternative methods, but if you're still uncomfortable leaving him on his own, what is he willing to do to reassure you?

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:04 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 2/22/2020 18:44 PM

I did the 180 while trying to reconcile.

No laundry errands or meals for him. Polite in front of kids.

My thoughts were towards D the first six months of R. So he had a major hurdles to overcome.

He’s being affectionate towards you? How nice. Doesn’t mean you have to have sex. Proceed with caution. See how
Long the love bomb phase lasts.

You need to see real action IMO.

nekonamida posted 2/22/2020 19:15 PM

Borg, you can't R if your WH is keeping secrets from you and minimizing the A. He needs to be telling the truth and owning up to his affair fully. That includes answering questions about his sponsor. Sex and more attention DOES NOT fix this. It does not mean that he isn't still involved with OW or won't cheat again in the future. It's about as useful as a bandaid over a bleeding wound because the problem was never the marriage. It was always HIM and his selfishness. He needs to be in IC to address that and it would help for him to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair".

For NC - have you seen evidence of him cutting off the OW? Do you have open access to his phone, email, and social media accounts? Have you checked the phone records lately? Could he go to a different AA location? Changing times isn't enough if he could potentially run into her again and be tempted.

nekonamida posted 2/22/2020 19:20 PM

I was saying I’m going out of town Tuesday for a week and a half and I’m not sure how to track if he’s in contact with her or if I should leave it alone.

The easiest thing to do would be to place a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car and one in the house where you think he might spend his time. I'd suggest looking for them in electronic stores like Best Buy if you have one or ordering them immediately off of Amazon and getting them shipped for Monday if possible.

If you can't swing that, you can hire a PI. You can try downloading a tracking app on his phone. You can have a friend check up on him for you. You can check phone records, use data recovery software on his phone, and check his location for the time you were away through something like Google maps when you get back. You have options and unless you're dead set on D, you should absolutely take advantage of them because this is a high risk time for him to see the OW again.