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So here I am now

Lostallalone posted 2/12/2020 20:17 PM

I have reread my past posts. I felt so much remorse for my anger and response. I don't know what I was thinking. I was depressed. Just had 2 toes amputated. Survived attempted suicide twice. I was in a bad place.
So this past year update. Wow. Alot has happened. When I was blocked from this website I started to engage in online validation again. Made a few new female friendships. Never anything sexual but again it was a form of validation I hid from my wife.
All my life I look at myself as friendly helpful. Maybe to much people pleaser. Never had close friends who respected me. Before I was married I could easily walk in a bar alone and leave with some woman to have a ons. That's actually how I met my wife. We have been married 32 yrs this yr. I'm a Madhatter. More detail in my profile. I always would seek validation from women. Made me feel good. Men are either to cocky who I would start a fight with or just plain dumb and not meet my close emotional needs as a friend.

So in the past year my needs emotionally were being met online while life with my wife was quiet. I liked quiet. Better then her berating me in front of my small children. They are all grown now. One night (my birthday) my son who has a history of kidneys stones complained of extreme pain. I had been drinking. My wife refused to drive my son to the E.R. She told me to do it. I should have dialed 911. But I didn't. I made it ok. Signed my son in. Soon my wife shows up. I guess my sister yelled at her for not going and drove her to the hospital. He did have kidney stone. Pain killers. Surgery a few days later. He is ok.
A few months later we were celebrating something don't remember what. Had 5 way chili. This is spaghetti with chili topping. I am diabetic. But thought one night would be ok. OMG I had horrible back pain and stomach cramps. Hours passed did not get better. I was screaming in pain in my private loft. I had no idea what was wrong. Couldn't stand. Barely walk. Went to my wife in bed and said I need to go to the E.R. She said no just get over it. Also said to be quiet cause she was sleeping. I sat alone in the dark. Tears,trying to be quiet. Trying to sleep.The next morning I finally felt better. Looked up symptoms online I believe it was diverticulitis. Could have burst my colon. Life threatening.

I talked to my online Ap? She told me I only live one life and it up to me to decide what I need. This hit me between the eyes. I for the second time began to plain my escape from my marriage. It didn't take to long my wife looked at my phone and discovered my online AP?. She asked if I was having an affair. She lives across country never even seen her. But I admitted to it. Then said I want A Divorce. I told her I don't feel safe with her. I didn't mean emotionally. I am 56 yrs old. My health won't get better. I would rather be alone then to have her just watch me die and not lift a finger to help me. She broke down and cried. I felt terrible cause I was having the emotional affair but here she is apologising.
I apologized for my affair but held firm on my stand on divorce. I blocked my online friend. My wife trying to convince me to go to counseling. Witch in the past I had asked for and she refused.
Thats where we are now. She sorry for how she treated me. Me sorry for my EA.

Sorry so long. I don't know what I need but thanks for reading.

[This message edited by Lostallalone at 8:23 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

Lucky77 posted 2/13/2020 06:32 AM

Hi LA,

Time to focus on you. Your self care. Your self love.

I am your age. I know too well guys' ability to self destruct. We easily put things in our body we shouldn't even though we know we shouldn't. We talk to people we shouldn't even though we know we shouldn't. Why is that? I'm doing some digging these days with some philosophers (Nietzsche) and learning more that we are all inherently self destructive. It's a daily balance to manage our own crazy behaviors. I know. I remember my night in jail really well. It's what it took to get me straightend out. I hit bottom.

You are going down some bad rabbit holes. You are not caring for yourself. Your are not loving others. But outward love starts with inward love. Take some time today on Youtube. Look up the "stoics". Learn about self control. Self care. Self restraint. If you don't reel yourself in further damage will happen

EvolvingSoul posted 2/17/2020 18:17 PM

Hi there Lostallalone,

Welcome back.

You have a lot of untangling to do. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment for the way your wife has treated you in your marriage and that your resentment was a justification for seeking validation from other women and hiding it from your wife.

I went back and read some of your posts from last year and one thing that kept coming up for me is it seems like you are very guarded against rejection. It is almost as if you push people away and reject them before they can reject you. Even on the posts you've made since your return there is a flavor of "no one here likes me". That kind of defensiveness is pretty common in someone who is all twisted up with shame, and I think that you probably are.

Are you in counselling? If I were you I would listen to "Men, Women and Worthiness" by Brené Brown and I would learn as much as I could about self compassion. The book "Self Compassion" by Kristen Neff is a pretty good overview.

You cannot really change your relationship to other people without first changing your relationship with yourself. Untangling it all takes a pretty long time, but that time is going to go by anyway so really you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by going all in on digging into your whys. I know you think it was your wife's treatment of you that caused you to seek validation from other women but digging a layer down you'll need to understand why you accepted that treatment to begin with.

Keep digging and I hope you keep reading and posting here. Your marriage may or may not be salvageable, but you definitely are. You are 1000% worth the effort.

Proceed with compassion and courage.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Lostallalone posted 2/17/2020 18:46 PM

From the beginning of my marriage I have allowed my wife to verbally degrade me. I grew up in a household where my father was a serial cheater and him and my mother fought about it in front of me all the time. My mother developed cancer. Not only was she extremely sick it lasted for years. I'm the youngest of 4 by ten yrs. I was driving my mother to Dr visits when I was 12. During the summers I was tasked the job to "nurse maid" my mother. Every 30 minutes she would throw up and I had to clean it up. She had a poop bag that leaked and needed chgd i had to do. My siblings were nowhere to help. When my mother died I was releived. I feels awful to say but yea.
So my dad remarries to one of his APs a yr later. She hated me. My dad and her would go to her family for Thanksgiving and xmas the next several yrs. My siblings didn't want me around. Luckily I had some friends who would invite me to their family celebrations.

So during my marriage I guess I just excepted that's the way it is. I know I need counseling but like I said before my wife hates I go. Then she wouldn't go with me. She wants Christian counseling. We been down that road before. They always rugsweep her issues and tell me I must be the leader and return good for evil. (I am beginning to tear up writing this) thank you for replying. I figured No one wanted to deal with me. That's why when I see someone being pounded with 2x4s I feel compelled to come to their rescue

Lostallalone posted 2/17/2020 18:46 PM

From the beginning of my marriage I have allowed my wife to verbally degrade me. I grew up in a household where my father was a serial cheater and him and my mother fought about it in front of me all the time. My mother developed cancer. Not only was she extremely sick it lasted for years. I'm the youngest of 4 by ten yrs. I was driving my mother to Dr visits when I was 12. During the summers I was tasked the job to "nurse maid" my mother. Every 30 minutes she would throw up and I had to clean it up. She had a poop bag that leaked and needed chgd i had to do. My siblings were nowhere to help. When my mother died I was releived. I feels awful to say but yea.
So my dad remarries to one of his APs a yr later. She hated me. My dad and her would go to her family for Thanksgiving and xmas the next several yrs. My siblings didn't want me around. Luckily I had some friends who would invite me to their family celebrations.

So during my marriage I guess I just excepted that's the way it is. I know I need counseling but like I said before my wife hates I go. Then she wouldn't go with me. She wants Christian counseling. We been down that road before. They always rugsweep her issues and tell me I must be the leader and return good for evil. (I am beginning to tear up writing this) thank you for replying. I figured No one wanted to deal with me. That's why when I see someone being pounded with 2x4s I feel compelled to come to their rescue

EvolvingSoul posted 2/17/2020 20:30 PM

Hi again Lostallalone,

Well, individual counselling is for you and you should find a counsellor that works for you. I agree that the spiritual bypass (forgive and forget while not doing any actual work to address issues) is not a great idea. Also, not all Christian counsellors will advise you to do that so don't count one out just based on them being a Christian. Evaluate them as individuals.

It seems like you were put in a difficult situation as a child, caring for your mom with out a lot of support. It actually does not sound awful that you felt relief when she died, it sounds normal. I'm sure that relief was not the only thing that you felt. I hope you also felt some sort of good feeling that you were there for your mom when she needed you.

You have clearly figured out that the relationship you are in isn't working and that how things have been isn't just "how it is". You have choice, so does your BS. The relationship does need work, but right now I would focus on fixing you and figuring out your whys and also figuring out what you actually need. I had a bit of a similar problem, not with a verbally abusive BS but rather my view of what love and relationships were supposed to be like was very skewed. I viewed them as being largely transactional where each person was supposed to make sure that they "got theirs". It was much more about "what can I take?" as opposed to "what can I give?" and I didn't have any qualms about lying or withholding information or manipulating to make sure I "got mine". During my big brain rewiring project I read this definition of love when I was reading Brené Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and it really spoke to me and helped me reorient my views on love and relationships. It was the first time in my life that I could point to something and say "That. I want that so much. That is the relationship I want to build with BS." Here it is:

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”


As far as dealing with your BS goes, even if she treats you terribly, remember that her anger/contempt is most likely coming from a place of pain. It is difficult when you feel you are being attacked but try to have compassion for her. It will become easier to have compassion for her as you develop compassion for yourself. If you find yourself unable to have compassion for her when it's happening, then focus on having compassion for all the other people in the world that are going through something similar at that moment. With 7.5 billion people on the planet, you know they are out there. You can use these difficult experiences to foster a sense of shared humanity and connection. The details of our situations are different but we all experience pain. We all experience loneliness. We all feel lost sometimes. Focus on breathing in the pain of everyone going through what you're going through right at that moment, and then breathe out relief for them. It sounds counter-intuitive I know, but it is a very powerful practice.

You have a lot of studying and learning to do. Get started now and future you will be thanking present you for doing so. A person a lot smarter than me once said "If you want to understand the present, look at the past. If you want to see your future, look at what you are doing today." The choices we make in the present moment build our future.

Lostallalone posted 2/17/2020 20:43 PM

Thank you for reaching out. I will look for that book asap.

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