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Never in a million years would I have thought

Beyondbetrayl posted 2/11/2020 18:34 PM

I would be in the place that I am. A little over 2 months ago, I thought I was happily married and that we had a strong marriage and relationship. We have been together for 12 years and each of us had 2 kids from a separate marriage that we basically raised together. On Dec 20th, while on my birthday trip, my husband told me he was gay. I never expected this in a million years and was floored. I thought he was going through some weird mid life crisis and asked him to go to counseling with me. During the first set of counseling, my husband told the counselor he had known this about himself since puberty. He went on to tell how he had a secret boyfriend in High School and how he had met men online during his college years and while married to his first wife. He also told how between and his ex wife he had a relationship with a man. Long story short, over the last several months he had been going places and meeting up with different men. He told me he needed to figure out what he wanted and pretty much left me every evening while he went and did what he wanted to do. He told me I could not tell anyone until he figured out what he wanted. My emotions were all over the place from trying to make it work, to being in denial, to not wanting to lose our life and family we built together. Last week it took a toll on me and I ended up in the hospital having a breakdown. While in the hospital at no time did he even check on me. At this point my family found out. My husband took his clothes and work computer from the house and moved out. I have no idea where he is staying and he didnít need any furniture or dishes or towels or anything else. Just his clothes and work stuff. Last Friday we signed separation papers and he acted like it was no big deal at all. I became upset signing the papers and began to cry and he just looked at me and said stop. I donít know how you can be with someone for 12 years and treat them like he has treated me. I have not spoken to him since signing the papers. I am moving into a townhome this weekend as our house will be sold. I just canít wrap my head around a couple months ago we had it all and in a matter of one sentence, I lost my husband, best friend and future as I knew it.

Cooley2here posted 2/11/2020 19:22 PM

It makes you wonder why he married for the second time.

Please donít confuse his behavior with being gay. His dismissal of you is cruel. He should have been much more sympathetic so this behavior tells you there is a lot wrong with him. I have gay relatives and they are kind caring people. He isnít.

Use therapy to move on. Gay or straight, he is too cold blooded for you to even try to find sympathy from him.

Buffer posted 2/11/2020 19:25 PM

I am so sorry ^^^ what was said above ^^^.

tushnurse posted 2/11/2020 19:42 PM

Please see an attorney and ensure you are getting a fair deal.

He is being detached and that could be for any number of reasons but it is clear that he has accepted that he is moving on. It is clearly mean and abusive to you.

But one thing is for sure you cant change hom and you cannot force him to do the right thing. What you can do is make you the priority.
Get into therapy with someone that specializes in trauma and infidelity.
Get to your Dr or to planned parenthood and full STD screening done. That means a pelvic and blood work. Be very honest and up front with your kids and if they are struggling get them in therapy too.
Check out the healing library in the upper left side of your screen.

Charity411 posted 2/11/2020 22:15 PM

Hugs (((((Beyondbetrayed1)))). I'm so sorry for you. My first husband was gay. I learned a thing or two about that.

Your husband is cruel in the way he decided to come out. In being so callous and having utter disregard for how he used you. And use you he did. That's the worst part of it.

In my case, we belonged to a very fundamental Bible Church. His family members were deacons and deaconesses and Sunday school teachers and choir members. Being gay was of the devil. So he married me as his cover. He never actually came out. I divorced him when I realized he was gay. I kept his cover. For me it was losing my church and social circle because divorce was forbidden. For him to come out it would have meant losing his family, so I took the hit.

In the end the result is equally horrible. You and I both got used, completely without any knowledge on our part. It doesn't matter if its about religion or something else. No one has a right to use another human being to make their way easier without their knowledge or consent. It makes them awful people.

It's time to take care of you. Don't feel you have to keep his secrets. He shouldn't have to keep a secret of being gay. He chose to do that and used you and his first wife to do it. That's his sin, not being gay. You'll survive this. In fact a lot will begin to make much more sense now that you know.

It is still going to hurt. But now it will start to make sense, which will help to get over the craziness of it all. That will help you make decisions about your future and financial safety free of emotion or the notion you have to protect him. He hasn't protected you.

Anotheron3 posted 2/14/2020 16:31 PM

As some have already or not, his behavior is not acceptable and not fair to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

ChamomileTea posted 2/14/2020 17:40 PM

Agreed with Tushnurse... get thorough STD testing and a really good attorney. Just because this guy is gay doesn't mean he can't be a card-carrying narcissist. The fact that he KNEW he was gay since childhood shows a callous disregard for the two women he's used as beards. And then the abrupt and unemotional discard at the end... it just screams "narc".

Narcs aren't typically very easy to deal with in divorce proceedings. The guys and gals in the Separation/Divorce forum can be helpful in getting a handle on that.

I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I don't give a crap about people's sexuality, but there's nothing that makes me madder than when I hear about gay people willfully using their partners for years and decades, then when the kids are raised and the golden years should be coming, they suddenly pop out of the closet, astounded that others should think ill of them for depriving their former spouses of the love and companionship those spouse's invested in.

Marie2792 posted 2/15/2020 09:00 AM

I agree with Chamomille, he has always known this and hid behind you and the marriage you took seriously. Heís a big coward.

Iím sorry you are going through this. There are members here that have been in your situation where the husband left for another man or the AP was same sex. Hopefully one of them will come along and offer you some of their insight.

My main concern is of course STD checkup and separate your finances. Anything he is spending to finance his new life is still marital funding. Do you have children? Are they okay in all of this? I would recommend some therapy for them because this is not going to be easy to support them through.

Sending you hugs, and a reminder that you are special enough to be loved properly. This is his problem not yours.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 6:36 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 2/15/2020 12:22 PM

Wow, what unbridled cruelty.


I became upset signing the papers and began to cry and he just looked at me and said stop.

I had a similar experience recently. It's like they turned off their empathy and are tired of your pain. Telling someone to "stop" who is completely devastated is something else.

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