So, been a while since I've posted. Been through the mill with major depressive episode, anxiety attacks, suicidal ideation, flu, sinus infections... you name it, the mask finally came off the shit storm of worries I was holding inside. Got a good IC therapist, finally on some good meds and just now able to look around and see where we really are.
And that's on the verge of divorcing... get to that later.
As for my why's, I've come to find out that due to FOO I've felt insecure about my own value and worth and used various things (academic, job and worldly success and later "spiritual understanding") as ways to win approval of various other people in my life (mother, father, finally husband and his family). Turns out my father had affairs on my mother, belittled her enormously and enabled her crazy behavior (her temper tantrums and screaming and name calling). So, I turn out to fall for a man who I allow to belittle me and enable via making financially unsound decisions. Sometimes I think my dad would provoke my mom into her tempers so he could sit back and say to himself, "see honey, you're just overly emotional and therefore anything you have to say is worthless." Which was exactly what my husband does to me...
Sooooo... felt devalued and worthless in his eyes, anxious over finances and felt powerless to change anything, NEEDED validation and someone to pursue me. Along comes AP with his sweet talking ways, understanding kindness and LOTS of compliments. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but at that point in the marriage, I no longer cared. And that's the thing I've got to work on- feeling so powerless to change anything and so hopeless of ever being good enough for my husband that I would be willing to go behind his back to get what I need instead of challenging him up front and making changes for myself.
It's really eye opening lately, reading the covert narcissism and codependent pages here... it looks like he's covertly narcissistic (nothing I do is ever good enough, not allowed to "feel" a certain way about something, constantly invalidated in my opinions and worth) as well as my own level of abuse to him- jealousy of his carefree spending, jealous of the women he gave his respect to and jealous of those women he compared me to. We have both been abusive to each other to a certain extent.
Only now, after being in IC, I'm learning I don't have to rage like my mother or enable like my father, that I can assert myself in the relationship. This makes my husband upset and insecure. He wants me to do everything for him to make him feel better- dye my hair, wear heavy makeup, plan date nights, show more interest in building the basement. All of these are good things. I've done the date nights, makeup, etc, but each time it's not enough for him. Each time he says that they are selfish in the way I do them. I suppose I am trying to reconnect with who I am and see if he can connect with me as I am, so I plan an outing with a concert I like, a dinner he likes and wear the hair/makeup/dress he likes. Because I put the concert in there, I'm selfish and doing the whole thing for me. I also find it hard, after long days at work and cleaning and cooking and homework with the kids to be interested in building in the basement when the work I do is not to his standard, or there is little for me to actually do. So, I don't go down there and help him. That is selfish. Can't get around that.
He wants to feel a sincere apology for what I've done. I've begged him on my knees not to go, cried, ended friendships, gone NC with other ex-male-coworkers, started pursuing friendships with female co-workers instead and in general examined why I do things and why I talk to the people I talk to. I've stopped complaining to my female friends about him (although I do still share difficulties with my sisters who love him and my best friend who likewise loves him). I've worked very hard to get where I am. Now I'm at the point where, when he says I don't make him feel loved or feel appreciated or feel like I'm sorry, I stop the conversation, remind him of the apologies and or changes I've made, and remind him that "I can't MAKE you feel something." And refuse to get baited into the dynamic where he PUSHes and PUSHES and PUSHES me until I snap and go crazy yelling like my mom did. I remind him of this too when he claims I'm too unemotional- I say to him that I'm trying to change the way we interact, that I'm feeling a lot on the inside, but I don't like becoming a crazy yelling monster and am keeping a tight reign on my temper. I do remind him that, if he likes, I can yell again if that makes him feel better... but in the end, all it does is make me feel disappointed with myself and put me further in the hole.
My husband says my actions are shit and my words are shit (and he has good reason to), but then wants me to make him feel loved and appreciated and to heal him. I tell him I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well holding a spoon and he's asking me to dig myself out. He wants me to things for him selflessly and unconditionally, but I don't think I have it in me to give like that. I've told him that I can only give to him out of what I have as a person (ie: share the interests I have, listen and share in on his and generally encourage each other to be better people).
I feel like for so much of our relationship, I've put my interests (ie: concerts) as a backseat to his interests (ie: clay shooting, which I do enjoy) and put his "needs" (fanciest house in family, impractical and unaffordable sport car) over my needs (paying bills on time and not getting said car repoed and or having foreclosure notices in the mail and shut off utilities). I think that's where the resentment came from- all the anxiety I swallowed over the unsafe financial situation (the kids' school wasn't going to let us re-enroll until we paid our bills- my kids were going to be kicked out of school!!). It lead to resentment. I resented my husband so much (and still do since the situation has not changed financially, nor will in the near future) and felt so enmeshed and helpless to get out that I decided it was ok for me to have an affair (since he got the car...)
Sigh. All this to say, the finances, the belittling, the discounting have all not changed. I'm coming into an understanding of the holes in my soul and doing what I can do and need to do to patch them. I can definitely do more to make myself a safe partner. I'm going to read the "how to help your spouse heal from an affair" and "not just friends" to better understand what I can do for him. It's been about 6 months since DDay and definitely not been a straight line since then. Finally feel well enough to tackle my end of the business in regards to what is owing to him.
At the end though, will it be enough? We are seriously contemplating divorce right now because of my lack of "selfless giving" and submission to him, my remaining distrust and anger toward him (how can you submit your will to someone who puts you down and neglects to make you feel safe??). He feels the relationship is very one sided (he gives and gives... what I see as appropriate levels of care for children and spouse are taxing to him) and doesn't feel the same from me. Whenever I try to give to him of myself, it's not what he wants. If he doesn't want what I have to give, then what are we really doing together??
I don't need validation so much from outside sources, God made me who I am and is pleased with His work, I'm trying to make my life more of a gift to Him as a way of being thankful to Him for making me. At the same time, if my husband ultimately doesn't want what God's put in me, should I stay?
Stay or go... Any thoughts?