BS here. I agree on reading Love Languages. Both of you.
My WH was like your H. Very task oriented. He unloads the dishwasher, does laundry. He felt like doing that was “helping” me. (His parents were both acts of service). Thing is, I feel like helping me around the house (and taking out trash, etc) isn’t going out of his way to show love. It’s shit he’d do anyways. Just like I always took care of kids/social life/cleaned toilets, etc. That was just kind of how jobs split. Now...if he goes OUT of his way to be observant or helpful? It means something - even though acts are not my LL. (For example cleaning out MY cats litter box or noticing I’m out of a soap bar and getting me a new one or taking both kids to school when he can, so that I can sleep in.
Since DDay 1, we’ve both made it a point to say thank you. For all of it. At night, we always list out things we are grateful for (goes from making dinner to handling a kid’s drama to chauffeuring kids around).
Since my LL is quality time, he now does not work at night. (He used to come home, run, shower and get on his computer most nights.) He asks to play games with me, plans dates (literally NEVER planned anything unless it was our anniversary or Valentines Day), and suggests family outings as well. We do book studies, take classes, listen to books/podcasts together, and have things we can discuss together.
He texts me every day when he gets to work. Tells me what he listened to, usually says some appreciation, tells me his morning work plans, and then texts randomly throughout the day to tell me he is thinking of me (especially at times when I’m going/leaving therapy or an event or having a rough day).
I think the LL and the Gottman Book (7 Principles..?) were instrumental in helping us understand each other. So was a course we took on the Enneagram.
He doesn’t get annoyed when I’m not jumping up on Saturday mornings to do housework bc he knows it’s not my priority. So sometimes we are lazy and make breakfast and watch tv in bed. And some days we get up and do yard work (I compromise too 😜
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Saying thanks out loud goes a long way in making someone feel seen. For example, my WH took our 12 yo to the dentist a few weeks ago. I had a conflict and couldn’t take her, but it was very necessary for her to go. First time he’d taken either of our kids to a dentist (our oldest is almost 15 and had dental issues starting at 3). He came home and said thank you to me for taking care of that stuff for o many years. He actually enjoyed getting to do that for our daughter but it also made him realize how much I’ve done that he never appreciated. It’s the little stuff that makes a big impact.