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5 years later and I still have a long way to go

Lost1122 posted 1/25/2020 13:10 PM

{Sorry didnít mean to post with a stop sign. Reposted on reconciliation forum.}

Reconciliation is a path you take, not a line you cross. Hope my story helps other WS not make the same mistakes I've made and change your mindset about the real work that needs to be done everyday.

Hi, I'm a long time reader on SI, especially when things seemed hopeless - but rarely got up the courage to post. Mainly because I already felt bad enough about myself, that I didn't need other random strangers reinforcing that I suck. And then, after years of self-reflection and IC, the lightbulb finally went off. Call me slow or just a selfish a-hole, I know now that it's not about how I feel, but how I made my BH feels. It's about investing the time every single day to help my BH feel safe again.

Here's a little background on my story. Like all marriages, we had our ups and downs. We went through some pretty tough times with our parents, jobs and overall anxieties about life, but we were always there for each other. We also have one freakin amazing son that is the center of our world. After a series of health related issues in my early 40s, physical changes, a miscarriage and hysterectomy, something broke inside me. I wasn't happy, I turned inward and focused only how I felt. And then in 2015 I did the worst thing possible. I chose to have an affair with someone I met on a work trip that lived in another country. At the time it seemed like an escape from some reality that I didn't know how to face and it was all about me feeling good about myself again. I met the AP on 2 occasions for the PA. Worse than that, my BH had to find out by reading secret emails that the AP and I had written to each other every day. I can't even imagine how horrible that was for him.

Although I never questioned that I wanted to be with my BH and end the A, I was a complete narcissistic jackass. Over the next 2+ years, I TT everything and lied about things like who I had told or when the AP had contacted me again or if I was looking at the AP on social media. I also kept a pair of earrings the AP had given me and continued to wear them. They are visible in so many pictures we've taken as a family, on vacation, etc - and I didn't tell him about them until I finally came clean. Even then, it took me longer than it should have to delete all of the pictures of those horrible earrings that are a constant reminder for my BH that I still was not putting him first. I did all of those terrible things, not because I wanted to be with the AP, but because how I was feeling at the time. I used the excuse that I didn't want to hurt my BH again (which was of course true) but the truth is that I wasn't ready to be truly vulnerable with him and put his needs first. I was scared that he would hate me even more than he already did, when all I kept doing was hurting him more. You see, the PA and EA may have lasted 6 months, but I've put him through nearly 5 years of emotional abuse. I finally understand thanks to IC and his patient and loving support that just doing some of the work is not good enough. And I know that someday's I still need to be reminded of that and there are still reminders that I have caused that will torture my BH again, but I am trying. Even during both good and bad days, I will never stop show him that I'm forever grateful that he stood by me during it all.

Today is our 18th Wedding Anniversary and he deserves the respect through my actions and my lifelong dedication to my own personal recovery and growth. The best way I can honor him is by posting this message for all of you and being better today than I was yesterday.

[This message edited by Lost1122 at 2:19 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

SI Staff posted 1/25/2020 15:02 PM

Lost1122:

The stop sign will be removed shortly. BSís must wait until itís removed before responding.

wifehad5 posted 1/25/2020 15:46 PM

I've removed the Stop Sign. BS's can now respond.

oldtruck posted 1/25/2020 20:33 PM

my wife kept wearing jewelry from her OM for 5 years
and then kept it hidden for 19 years. in her
possession for a total of 24 years.

She also was the master of trickle truth. now 30+ years later she will let me ask questions but now
remembers next to nothing so I mainly get the I
do not remembers.

make sure you do a thorough job of purging
everything affair related and truthfully answer all
of your BH's questions. Though remember there is a
difference between being honest and being brutal
when you answer your BH's questions.

book a polygraph on your own then tell and have
BH bring you. that extra step has to help your
BH heal some more.

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