I am new to this forum, and a friend encouraged me to post on here to possibly help with my situation....so here it goes
First and foremost, I am a BIG piece of Shit for doing what I've done. I can take the bashing I'm probably about to receive. Yes I know I was married, I made a vow to everyone at my wedding and to my wife and to God, which I value, or did value.
I had some marital problems after being married for 15 years, 3 children, and I addressed them to my wife, and continued living with the issues instead of asking her to go to counseling to help her and I. Never had an affair, could have, never blinked an eye at it or entertained the idea EVER. I knew my character, my heart, my love for my wife would never allow for me to do this.
Well, about a year after I started having concerns about our maritial problems, I just accepted them and said this is the way married life is and somewhat suppressed the issues I felt we were having.
A female who was close with my wife and I, very close actually, really great friends to be exact, who was married with children also, started texting me randomly and took the texting a little bit farther each time we texted privately. At first, I thought it was kind of blind to it, but then soon realized she was pursuing me in a sexual way. At first I blew it off, and then a month or so went by that I started to fall into the game and responded back very inappropriately for a married man to speak to a married woman. Well, this texting turned into talking which ultimately turned into an affair.
Let me give a little history on my affair partner. Married about 10 years, 2 children, had an affair twice ( I know this is a huge red flag for me to consider, and why I allowed this to happen I don't know)
History on myself, married 15 years, 3 children, never had an affair or even thought I would.
Our families were great friends of about 7 years, we did a lot together, our children were the same ages and did several sports programs and school programs together which brought us really close overall. Essentially, our families were best friends.
So back to the story, she started texting me when I was away from the house, I initially played it off but then shortly after started responding back and taking it to deeper levels. We decided that we would just meet by ourselves without our families being there which was a mistake on my part. Not much happened other than some kissing and confirming we were both interested.
Well, then we agreed to meet again which started the physical affair. About 3 months went by until we actually got caught by her husband. She got caught with some messages we exchanged in her phone. Her husband immediately called me in the middle of the night and confronted me in front of her and my wife.
Here is the tricky part, I already said above that our families were close, prior to the affair, it was common to be around her alone or to watch their kids, or viceversa, and the thought never crossed my mind to have the affair. I work for myself, so finding time alone with her was very easy and didn't send any red flags to my wife or her husband. The affair did start out as lust, I admit, but I will say that before the affair, I cared for her and I guess I didn't realize how much I did until after our affair started.
About 2 months into the affair, I realized that I loved her, and she loved me. No doubt, I'm not living in a fantasy world, I'm not in lala land. When the affair came out, and her husband confronted me in front of her and my wife, I immediately confessed of the affair, and then told both her husband and my wife that I had fallen in love with her. Shocking, because I wasn't man enough to stop the affair, I wasn't man enough to tell my wife we should divorce or seek counseling, I was a coward in every way, but yet I still confessed that I loved her.
Well, my wife and I had a bad weekend obviously, she told me she didn't believe I loved her, and that she would forgive me and I was confused as to what I had done and really started questioning every aspect, from my marriage, was it really in trouble prior to the affair, to did I really love my affair partner, was everything worth losing for her. I went to marital counseling with my wife, and the end result was I wanted to choose my affair partner over everything, so I met with an attorney and my wife and I planned for a divorce.
This process of divorce has lasted 6 months, and my affair partner got divorced within 2-3 months. My wife had my affair partner in the papers....the papers stated she was not allowed to be with my kids ever unless we were married, which, was not going to happen at this time. My wife and I went back and forth and finally she agreed to take my affair partner out of the papers.
Myself and my affair partner were relieved. Well,I wasn't going to move in with my affair partner until the divorce was final, and I told her I was going to sleep in the upstairs spare bedroom at my house with my family until the divorce was final.My affair partner understood to a certain extent, but it bothered her. Things got pretty bad between us to where she called my wife trying to say ugly things to my wife, which I didn't appreciate. We had already hurt my wife and her husband and I didn't want to make it worse. The 6 months it took to get the divorce finally on agreeable terms took a tole on mine and my affair partners relationship.
Throughout the whole time, my wife stood by my side, saying we could work it out, no matter what, and selfishly I went against her on it....and denied it....until my affair partner started reaching out to her and being ugly to her. Keep in mine, my wife was aware that my affair partner and I were going to be together. When she started being ugly and texting my wife and calling her, I kind of lost respect for her and we got into a huge altercation to where I ultimately ended everything. There is more to the story but that is just getting to the point directly.
I have been seeing a therapist for the past 10 weeks, and he has helped me tremendously in making my own decisions. Well, when I told him what happened, he asked what I wanted to do and I told him I wanted to make it work with my wife. I told my affair partner it was offer and blocked her.
I'm struggling with a lot, which is my fault, which is a result from me being a piece of shit and a coward, but I'm struggling with the fact that I love the woman, no matter how wrong it is. I miss her tremendously, and I'm trying to make right of the mess I created, and I'm taking full responsibility. I am grateful for my wife and I'm working on everything, doing everything the right way, begging for her mercy, but at the same time, I miss the other woman.
Once again, I know I'm a piece of shit coward, I just need some help getting this out of my mind about how bad I love, miss and everything about her.
Thank you for your time.