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Diagnose me please

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

hikingout posted 1/28/2020 21:29 PM

Ii understand we do love our children like that. And I am not at all suggesting that we should not have expectations within our relationships of being loved and respected. But overall when you think to times that you had butterflies in our stomachs it was when we were doing something to impress or create some other emotion in the other person. Getting dolled up to go out, choosing gifts for them, planning a romantic night for two...thatís when we connect the most with how we feel about the other person. I am not suggesting that we donít get that effort or care in return but that we are not specifically doing x to get y.

I am not even asking you to take 90 percent of the blame for the status of your relationship. The only reason I pointed it out is because I think once I fully took stock of what I had contributed and not contributed it really I wound a lot of the resentment that I harbored for him.

Anyway, I am saying do the therapy with an open mind of working truly on yourself. You may have a different outlook in a few months.

rewritemyending posted 1/28/2020 21:31 PM

[This message edited by rewritemyending at 9:59 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

rewritemyending posted 1/28/2020 21:46 PM

[This message edited by rewritemyending at 10:07 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 1/28/2020 22:19 PM

Yeah well on that note I think I am out for now. Itís going to be a while but you will see it will never really be worth a fraction of the fallout.

rewritemyending posted 1/28/2020 22:53 PM

[This message edited by rewritemyending at 10:07 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

rewritemyending posted 1/28/2020 23:03 PM

[This message edited by rewritemyending at 10:08 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 1/29/2020 06:39 AM

I didnít mean it that way. I just meant that I think I have helped all I can for now. I am interested in where it goes from here but I think you need to sort through things in therapy for a little while. Sometimes other ws trigger is too and we have to step back until there is more room to be taken in. Keep posting.

rewritemyending posted 1/29/2020 21:23 PM

[This message edited by rewritemyending at 10:09 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

IHatePickingName posted 1/30/2020 06:39 AM

It felt so good it was/will be worth the fall out.)

The thing is, you cant know that in advance because you cant be sure what the fallout will actually be.

I have to tread very carefully here because you have a stop sign. I am a madhatter, so both a betrayed and a wayward. I can only post as a wayward with the stop sign.

My first OEA's (online emotional affairs) lead to three years of my husband cheating in every possible way, because he used it to give himself permission. His full disclosure of his infidelity lead to me being actively suicidal and almost following through a few times. Neither of our affairs has lead to divorce so far, but both definately complicate our marriage and hurt our and each other's mental health.

We often think we know the fallout, but most waywards on the site are shocked by what actually happens. You may be ok with divorce, yes. But it isnt the only, or the worst, option out there.

hikingout posted 1/30/2020 07:58 AM

No, it's not that feeling of giving people advice and them not taking it.

Triggering here is it reminds me of a time in my life, where I was, who I was, that is painful for me to look out. This statement is what triggered the hell out of me:

I don't even regret it. It felt so good it was/will be worth the fall out

It took me back to a time when I was callous, that I didn't understand that infidelity is a trauma to the BS, that I thought I had it all under control. I agree with Ihatepickingnames - until you go through the fallout and find out what it is you will maintain a certain arrogance. I remember having that, it makes me even more remorseful to my husband and honestly reminds me how low I can sink and how much I really betrayed myself with these thoughts and behaviors. So, triggering is an emotional response of a time that is really unpleasant to visit. I was you. I was so many of the new WS here. And, as much as we wish we could transplant what we learned and have you to wake up to it, this is a process that each WS has to navigate themselves and discover for themselves. At the other end, you may find yourself a lot more humble, regretful, remorseful, and just plain out sad that you didn't handle this a whole lot differently.

That is not intended to be a lecture, but I wanted for you to understand why I say trigger here. I ended up seeing that and wanting to smack the daylights out of you. But, in all reality it's because I wish I could go back and smack the daylights out of myself.

IHatePickingName posted 1/30/2020 08:03 AM

But, in all reality it's because I wish I could go back and smack the daylights out of myself.

Yep, me too.

rewritemyending posted 1/30/2020 09:22 AM

[This message edited by rewritemyending at 10:09 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 1/30/2020 09:41 AM

I am not sure that last statement completely rang authentic to me, but I don't know you. I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

In the meantime, have you considered confessing yet? I think that is going to be something that brings you a lot of clarity moving forward. And, your husband does deserve to know what is happening in his life.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/30/2020 09:59 AM

hikingout.

I am not sure that last statement completely rang authentic to me

I thought the same as you when I first read it. Then I remembered how I was years ago and I can see the exact same thing.

It is the beginning of the morals inside us rising up, but our infatuated emotional mind trying to beat them back while saying the correct things we expect society wants to hear.

rewritemyending is looking for justification to suit her selfish goals all the while using those closest to her (BH and kids). It is that selfishness that leads to harming everyone around them.

hikingout posted 1/30/2020 10:07 AM

rewritemyending is looking for justification to suit her selfish goals all the while using those closest to her (BH and kids). It is that selfishness that leads to harming everyone around them.

I can say I have been there done that. The highs of the affair really were something I wanted to protect. It was so artificially filling my voids that to remove it at once was extremely painful to me. But because I wasn't filling that void yet (and didn't know how to) I was kind of stuck in that selfish mode. So, I can see it with some compassion while seeing everything you are saying here is 100 dead on.

Westway posted 1/30/2020 10:39 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:41 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

rewritemyending posted 1/30/2020 11:10 AM

[This message edited by rewritemyending at 10:10 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Zugzwang posted 1/30/2020 15:48 PM

I don't even regret it. It felt so good it was/will be worth the fall out.)

At least you are honest. Be sure to tell your husband exactly that. You don't regret hurting him and using him. Just because your husband is yawnsville. He deserves to be treated cruelly because you are dead inside? He deserves to be treated cruelly because he is boring? Yeah, you probably should have skipped The Bridges of Madison County. That is just some bullshit romantic shit. Real life isn't like that and real people get hurt. Sounds like you don't care because your resentment of who your husband is that you chose to stay married to is much to thick. You really should have more resentment for yourself. How about you learn to be enough for yourself. You chose to have three children with this man. You could have stopped at child number one. Stop justifying and stop blaming it on a dead marriage. You can rage all you want in the middle of a room. It is no ones job to see you but yourself. People are supposed to be partners. Not crutches. Not objects to please you or make you feel loved or valuable. You need to do that for yourself to yourself first. You will feel wanted by this man, then the next, and the next. They only want you to want them and really don't care about you. It is shallow. It is easy. You will still end up screaming alone. Till you learn to love yourself more.

hikingout posted 1/30/2020 18:14 PM

I get it. I left for a while shortly after I got here. I wasnít ready to hear what others had to say yet. It may seem like we are being cruel but in many ways when we put our thoughts out there we donít always like what it reflects back. Itís difficult after cultivating them in the dark to show them in the light and itís vulnerable. Typically we arenít so great at being vulnerable.

For me my first therapy sessions were cathartic. I cried mostly. After that they seemed to take this shape that what we were doing was irrelevant. My life was falling apart and the therapist wanted to ask about my childhood and my parents. I felt impatient with the process.

This site was a good accommodation for me because to change your thoughts sometimes we have no way of challenging them. Some of the times I felt most defensive here were times that were followed by an epiphany. Because you then are left to examine and search yourself as to whether it is true or a story we tell ourselves.

Either way I do genuinely hope that you find what you are looking for through these processes. But expect it to feel ugly and hard for a while. Just know thatís where some of the magic is if you can push forward.

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