Cleanslate..... I want someone to talk about me one day the way you talk about your wife
Then you earn that. You need to be in IC immediately.
As far as the marriage:
I resented my husband for situations and expectations that I caused. Over time, I told myself stories because noone wants to be the bad guy in the story. The affair amplifies that because of cognitive dissonance. We tell ourselves stories to justify and make ourselves feel better about our decisions that we know are wrong.
When I fixed the lens in which I was looking at the situation I saw my husband very clearly for the first time in a long time. I hadn't appreciated him, and was ready to throw away a man a lot of women would give their left arm to have.
The story you are telling yourself about him not touching you in 3 years doesn't include your responsibility in that. You have laid the blame at his feet while feeling entitled that you deserve more or something better. We create narratives in which we don't always acknowledge all parts of it and with empathy.
As for the pining:
Stop looking at his facebook page. I know it's so tempting, but block him on everything. Read about Romantic infidelity by Dr. Frank Pittman. You need to see what is happening to you is just a very typical reaction to having a limerant affair. That was helpful for me to dispel the star crossed lovers, soulmates, etc because the intensity of the feelings is nothing but addiction. And, the addiction really isn't to the AP - it's to the story you are telling yourself. The feelings from that make you high. Until you stop doing that, you will remain addicted. So as you are stalking his facebook page, you are telling yourself stories that fit your narrative, but when you really stop and look there is no proof. You are going off your own confirmation bias.
Withdrawal is a bitch. It helped me to get a lot of cardio (replaces the endorphins), practice self care - get enough sleep, take vitamins, eat well, etc. You literally have programmed yourself to get all the dopamine hits from this fantasy you have.
You did the same as me - you escaped your reality. You blamed others for your reality. We are responsible for our own happiness, and we can not hold other people responsible for it. You are filling a void with something unhealthy, it will take a lot of time to answer the questions of what WILL effectively fill that void for you. How can you be excited and happy with your own life? It's certainly not through trying to take someone else's husband, and possibly someone's father from the family.
When you think about him you need to learn to change the channel. You need to tell yourself a different story. The true one. That anyone who helps you destroy yourself and your spouse is a POS. You will also have to acknowledge the way you were being is the same and start looking at why you had become that person. The ways you mismanaged your life.
So, what I did was, I got in IC. I spent a short time sorting through my issues there. I read "How to help your spouse heal from infidelity" Then, I confessed. I told him everything without blaming him or the marriage because by this time I could solidly see they were my issues.
R may or may not be in the cards for the two of you but these steps you will be taking will help you remove the barriers you have that you will either take into your renewed marriage with your current H, or in future relationships. We hold the keys to our own reality and our own future. As long as you stay in this mode you will remain a victim. In your eyes you are victim of a loveless marriage and a victim of a man who didn't love you enough to stick around. You are not the victim, you are the creator.
Love is effort. And, honestly when you are a healthier person you will see that the biggest deepest feelings you can have is really doing things and being there for your person. The effort we make is where the butterflies really are. You felt that with the AP because you put in the effort and you liked how that made you feel. You liked you could be someone else than who you were before. But, this was not authentic, and both of you were manipulating each other and lying to each other.
It's very difficult to get out of this circular obsessive thinking, but if you step forward and take control of the situation you will find you will be miserable for much less time. The way you are living now is not what you want.