(Re posting because I wanted to uncheck the WS Response Only)
I have been on this forum for a few days now. First post but have read a few stories this last weekend and today at lunch. So far my understanding of what happens to become a wayward is our past. I hope I can give everyone the best picture of my past and my side of my marriage up until this point. Please correct me if im doing this the wrong way.
I have two first memories. One was of a horned lizard in my backyard and being blown away of how cool it was. The other was my babysitter instructing me on how to give her oral sex at 3. She also had found my parents vibrators which we thought were for a back massage. She then instructed my older and younger sister on how to use them on themselves. This all happened in 1986.I only found out that my Dad knew about this the whole time 5 years ago. He told me infront of his female cousin that I had just met an hour earlier in the day. Then then on out I began to have sex with my sisters till about 16 or so. Maybe longer I don't remember exactly but I want to say around 19 is when we stopped. I didn't get therapy for that until I was like 31. Mid twenties all of us kids found out that my dad had been cheating on my mom basically their whole marriage. We found out on Christmas. And they got divorced. My whole childhood my parents fought, my dad threw and broke things. I threw and broke things when I was a kid as well. Banged my head on walls when I was mad. I always the smallest kid. I got picked on a lot and I kind of became a loner. I spent most of my time in the garage or in my room building or making things. My social skills did not develop. My parents didn't have very many friends so we didn't go to people's houses. Also my schoolwork suffered really bad. My parents never really checked my homework. I moved around in schools from third grade on. I was put in Catholic school in fourth grade because they thought they would teach me more. We also moved around a lot because my dad was constantly getting new jobs (later in life we found out some of these were because he had an affair with a co-worker, but I'm not sure about all of them.) In sixth grade we moved again to a different state but still in Catholic school. I was the outsider, the smallest, and one of the least educated kids there. From there on out I was the outcast. I was friends with another kid that was also an outcast. The school I went to taught me that masturbation was wrong, sex before marriage was wrong. That of course made me feel guilty any time I did do that as a child. I think that further developed my separation of good from sex and it became farther and farther.
I was cheated on by the first two real girlfriends I had. For the next few years, I had several girlfriends, none of them really long term, a few of them on and off relationships. I cheated on most of them. Only one I didn't cheat on. I broke up with her because my dad told me I should since she wasn't Catholic. I regretted that a lot and went into a year or so long depression after. Theres many times I thought of suicde after that. Then I conceived a child from a one night stand. I got a DUI that year as well. I lost my job right after that. The mother of my son wanted to be with me and I wasn't in love with her. I lied to another girl about the status of that relationship and started dating her before the mother of my son moved to my area. I then tried to break it off when she did move there. Of course, she came over when she was there to "get her things". That put things on bad terms for a while with the mother of my son.
This is when I started drinking more and then it transferred over to more of a sex addiction. I first got on dating sites and then I learned how to talk to girls and ask for sex online. I probably had sex with over 100 women. It got so bad that I resorted to having sex with 2 men (I am straight). I almost never used any form of protection. I got a treatable STD about 10 times. I had multiple pregnancy scares. Towards the end, I was having sex with women I wasn't at all attracted to. And that was when I started really feeling like I didn't want to do this anymore. It consumed my day. Texting, searching, planning for sex. I would go home at lunch to masturbate so I could actually work in the afternoon. I would masturbate sometimes 3 more times before I went to bed at night. After I had sex with these women, I would immediately feel disgusted, self-hate, constantly asking myself why?
It was at this point that I met my wife. When I met her, I knew she was the woman that I would want to be with. I didn't have my stuff sorted out (still down't) but I really tried, or I thought I tried, to be a lot better than what I was. I cheated on her multiple times and then broke up with her. I ended up telling her that I did not deserve to be with her and I told her my problems what I had going on. That was the first time somebody actually listened to me to help me. After I told her she said she would help me and she stayed on the phone with me from the time I got in my car until the time I got out of my car when I got to the clinic. That was the first time I told somebody that I had a sex addiction. They helped me. I broke down crying in there in front of like 5 people. They prescribed zoloft to me and I started in individual therapy. That was the beginning of my partial recovery. I wouldn't say its a full recovery.
3 and a half years later, we are married, we have a house, lots of pets, and I never stopped seeking validation from women or objectifying women. Although I never had sex with anybody, I still talked to girls, messaged them, made comments on social media. That was a slippery slope which led me to message my wife's best friend's sister while my wife was in the hospital, insinuating that the sister should come over.
A few days later, my wife's best friend told her what had happened and sent her screen shots. That was the first bit of information that led to my wife finding out that I have not been faithful this entire time. That night I was drunk. I wanted to work on my own stuff. I was completely selfish.
I started going back to individual counseling, I started defining all the words that I didn't understand to try and understand and found out I struggle with empathy, associating love and sex, still have childhood issues.
Then my wife found my twitter account and all the terrible comments I made on there, which led to her wondering if theres a lot more things out there that I did and didn't tell her. She gave me the opportunity several times to tell her everything that I had done. I didn't tell her about the twitter account. Its that unrational fear of telling her and then her being even more mad and me being ashamed of myself which I think is more like coming to terms with myself which I read somewhere, like you don't want to actually look at yourself. I told her that I planned to never tell her about the twitter account. She took that to mean that if I never planned to tell her about that, there's no way I would tell her about anything worse.
Now I'm here. I want to try and figure out my childhood, how I can associate sex with love, how I can learn to not self-hate when I bring up issues about myself to my wife and change that around to helping her when I screw up.
One of my biggest fears with continuing on with my marriage is that I won't be able to do it, that I will fail, and that I've just drug her through the mud all the way through this.
My wife is worried that I've done way worse things, that I've had sex or downloaded apps or been searching for sex. She told me that she thinks I don't even want to be here. She thinks that I'm a "robot" and she tells me I don't show emotion or empathy, that I"m too logical sometimes and don't see her emotions. She is scared that I don't feel true remorse or that I might not ever be able to.
She wants to me to show more love, random acts of kindness, show more initiative, tell her that I love her at different points in the day, just anything that shows I love her.
I think my wife feels like she thought I was a different person, I think even I thought I was a different person but I'm not. Just a slightly better version I guess of me.
She was shocked, let down, confused when she found out. She wants to continue the marriage and see me put in the effort and show her that it will be worth it.
I would like to continue the marriage but I need to fix and figure out my own self first once and for all. I think that starts with 1986, when I was 3. I don't think I ever really got over that even though I've talked about it.
I'm looking for people's opinions on where to start, what I've done wrong, and mostly what to immediately fix right now to hold things together long enough to fix the rest.
Thank you for taking the time to read everything.
Rizziedizzy