"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Sallyjay posted 1/14/2020 22:40 PM

We had a trip to Disneyland already booked and paid for, airfare, hotel, entry tickets...

I am very hesitant to go as a family at this time. I am still very angry and I have a really hard time, even just being civil with him, which is not my usual.. I usually turn the other cheek pretty quickly.

Would you forgo the trip all together? Let him take the kid on his own, 10 year old boy? (Memories that would be made without me)...
A bit of background my ex, is a high functioning alcoholic and since the split, he has done what appears to be a full 180, he spends quality time with his kid, is drinking less, doing fun social activities, that sort of thing... (behavioral changes are not sustainable due to the extent in which he drank before and the unresolved trauma he has to live with, this type of change can only be made permanent with years of therapy, which he is not doing).
Options:
1- Letting them go together, but only for 5 days instead of the original 9 days
2- We all go together, but for 5 days instead of the original 9
3- We cancel the trip altogether

Please tell me what you would do...

UneedToSmile posted 1/14/2020 22:43 PM

Can you take your son without your WH? That seems fair to me. But then again, will you worry what WH is doing at home and let it destroy your fun?

Sallyjay posted 1/14/2020 22:48 PM

I dont think he would go for that...
And I don't have enough savings on my own to pay for all our food and transportation while we are there. So it would not be as much of a fun trip with just me...
He has moved out already and I could care less what HD does if we were to leave for 5 days... lol

[This message edited by Sallyjay at 10:49 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

UneedToSmile posted 1/14/2020 22:54 PM

I would do all of you or nothing then. Definitely wouldn’t let him have all the fun. Your son needs his amazing mom right now. It would be so hard to scrap it if your son already knows about the trip.

MamaDragon posted 1/15/2020 09:25 AM

I'd go, I'd go to show him what he will be missing if things don't work out.

You can go and have a lot of fun with your son and just consider your WS to be a "tag along".

You can give him the 180 while there. He wants a family picture? To bad, it will be you and your son. He wants to play around and be jovial? Do it with your child.

He can be the bag carrier, luggage toting man servant.

Do not allow him to taint this magical vacation.

The1stWife posted 1/15/2020 10:49 AM

What’s in the best interest of your son?

Does your son need to see you ignoring his dad while on a fun vacation? Does your son need to see his parents not speaking? How will that makes your son feel?

HalfTime2017 posted 1/15/2020 17:46 PM

maybe you go with him for 5 and let the WH go for the other 4. that way you both get to go, and the only additional expense is the change in airfare

EvenKeel posted 1/16/2020 07:03 AM

Did you book through an agency? If so, can you call, explain the situation and see if you can postpone the trip for a year? Even if you need to take a penalty? Give yourself some time to heal emotionally and financially and THEN you and your DS go!

So it would not be as much of a fun trip with just me...

Stop this thinking! YES - your family dynamics are changing! But whether you take a solo trip with your DS now or in a year, it will still be a new dynamic of just you and him. Don't NOT go just due to this. Will it feel strange? Will it be hard? Maybe - but you will all will be establishing your new normal.

I was hellbent to do my normal family vacay that first year. I booked a cabin on a river that offered us kayaks, etc. Did it go smoothly? NOPE. The water pipe broke, my DS had an emotional meltdown and I cried in bed every night. BUT.....it was important to do. It hasn't horrible, we have good memories from that trip and it was very important for the new chapter of our book. It was empowering, etc.

So see if you can postpone the trip or do some sort of substitution.

I would probably not go as a family. You do not want to set that as a precedent for future trips.

OR.....see if you can split the trip?